Yukijurou
by The Raven Dark Angel
Summary: This is the story of a girl who changed the lives of the greatest swordsmen in history, a girl who gave a man the greatest gift of all, love. Okita-OC-Harada, Hijikata-OC (Lemon in later chapters)
1. A New Day, A New Hope

Hi all! I have decided to write an Okita story 'cause damn, there are so little out there! Well, this is my first time writing something like this, and please excuse me if there are huge historical discrepancies and stuff, and what the hell, WHO wants Okita to die?! Please read and review, thanks!

And the name Yukijorou here means 'Snow Angel', or 'Snow Fairy', whichever rocks your boat. The title, incidentally, also means Snow Angel.

…

She was back in hell, and she knew it.

The smell of blood and filth pervaded her senses, choking her lungs, as she huddled deeper into the little corner she had come to think of as her sanctuary. Her only safe place where those monsters would not get her. She had been here before, many, many times, and every single time it held that same horror for her.

There was a sudden crack of a whip, and fire erupted down her back. They had found her! "Come, you little rodent. You cannot run from us, haven't you realized?"

They were around her now, shoving and whipping as if she was nothing more than cattle. For six years she had been subjected to torture like this, where basic human rights were denied her, and yet…

She opened her mouth to scream, but the smell of blood, strong and coppery, stopped her throat.

A flash of steel, screams, and heads fell, their lifeless eyes boring through her as their mouths hung open in a macabre show of unnatural death.

Then it was raining. Warm, sticky droplets stuck to her ragged clothes and face, and belatedly, in the haze of her terror, she realized that it was blood.

…

Yukijorou Jarennna sat up from a futon, a horrified gasp escaping her lips. As she regarded her darkened surroundings with wild, wide eyes, she was convinced, for a moment, that she was back in that hellhole, but the softness of the futon and her awakening senses jarred her back to reality.

She was safe now, had been safe for more than half a year, all thanks to the Shinsengumi First Squad Captain, who had been the one who had saved her from the monsters and had taken her back to the headquarters, where a few women had taken care of her. As soon as she had recovered her senses from the trauma, she had volunteered to work in the kitchens and as a Healer, providing and cleaning for the Miburos. It was tough, but she had latched onto it with an almost desperate eagerness, catching onto that reality lest it slipped away from her once more and those monsters came to claim her again.

__

When will I ever forget? She wondered hopelessly. _When will I ever stop fearing? _Her fists, tightly clenched, loosened and covered her face as once again, she wept. Long and lonely.

…

"Yukijorou-san! Is breakfast ready?" Himitsu Junko, a maid who neared her fifties poked her head into the kitchen and asked. She had a wide and friendly face, but was strict when it came to doing work.

Jarenna hurriedly put the last bowl on the trays. "Hai, hai!" The last couple of trays had been taken out by Kimiko, who had been running in and out like a spirited squirrel afterward, getting more bowls of rice or steaming miso.

Struggling slightly with the heavy trays--more food was cooked because of the entry of the new recruits, hence the especially busy morning--she stepped through the door that Junko was holding open, giving the older woman a small smile of gratitude. She hadn't really mastered up the courage to really talk to her yet, even though Junko had tried to get her to reveal more about herself on many occasions. She just wasn't up for it yet. She would, when she was ready.

The last vestiges of the nightmare faded away as she walked briskly into the dining area. The noise level was high, and she saw many unfamiliar faces amongst vaguely familiar ones. Most of them were young and eager, chatting and laughing amongst themselves. Making her way through the sea of blue haoris, she finally located the tables she was supposed to serve, trying to ignore the sudden drop in the noise level as chatters turned to barely concealed whispers.

"She's beautiful."

"Whoa, if they came this young and pretty I woulda joined sooner!"

"Who is she?"

She absently noted that most of the comments came from the new recruits and the occasional old ones, but dismissed that immediately. They would get used to her.

She set the trays down at the long table and handed out the food, wishing the soldiers a quiet 'Enjoy your meal' as she went down the line. Finally, she reached the one person she had been eager to see all morning.

Soft chocolate brown pools met with her own as she set his tray in front of him. He was smiling, as always, a gentle smile that never failed to make her heart skip a beat. He was always the gentle, cheery one, although she had seen his dark, killer side a little more than seven months ago.

He was her savior, the one who had delivered her from the jaws of madness, and she had to thank him for that.

A tiny jolt of excitement trickled down her spine as their fingers brushed against each other's accidentally, and once again, she wondered why someone like that could affect her so.

"Had a good night's rest, Yukijorou-san?" his voice was a mix of lingering childlike huskiness that was incredibly alluring, and coupled with his boyish looks and a deadlier, more dangerous side, he was someone who had every woman of all ages falling head over heels for him. Herself not excluded.

She nodded slightly, even though it was far from the truth. It wasn't like she could pour her entire life story to him or something, could she? "Hai, Okita-sama."

He had asked this question every day without fail, and she would give the same answer. It was routine, but the other maids would constantly tease her about it, as Okita had never spoken as much as four words to any of them.

Once again, she felt her cheeks warm, and bowed to excuse herself as she headed straight towards the kitchen. There was a lot of laundry waiting to be cleaned.

…

"Hey, Okita, I didn't know you'd taken a fancy to her!" Harada Sanosuke chuckled across the table from him as soon as the girl was out of earshot. Garrulous with an explosive temper to match, the rooster-headed Tenth Squad Captain winked at his friend as he polished off his rice.

"I did not take a fancy to her, Harada-san," Okita replied patiently after taking his first bite of food. Ever since Yukijorou-san had worked in the kitchens, the food was significantly better-tasting. Even Hijikata-sama, a person who normally ate very little, began taking second helpings. He sighed, why was he bothering with a conversation that had been repeated every single day? "I was just being polite."

"I don't see you 'being polite' to any of the other maids," came the breezy reply. "Come on, admit it. She's really beautiful, isn't she? When are you going to ask her out?"

Okita laughed lightly. "I'm not going to ask her out. We are fighting a war here. It's not the time for romances."

"Ah now, that's a lie. When are you going to stop using that excuse, Okita? Even Saito's seeing Takagi Tokio right now." He snorted. "No time for romances. Che." Harada's constant womanizing was an open secret, but no one really minded as long as it did not affect his duties. In fact, the man was right, besides the occasional Ishin skirmishes and the patrolling, there was nothing much else to do besides training and…well, training.

And after all, Okita Soushi was a man. He wasn't so blind as not to notice how much Yukijorou Jarenna had grown into herself the past few months. She had been nothing more than a filthy slave when he had rescued her, and honestly, he had no idea that she would be that pretty when she cleaned up. Of course, that wasn't the deciding point in capturing his attention. There was just _something _about her that caught him. Her depthless eyes, the secrets she held, and the hidden face that was reined tightly within her. A spark that hinted that she was capable of incredible passion, and a part of him wanted to see _how much_.

Almost instinctively, he glanced towards the kitchen door, and for an irrational moment he wanted to see her again, just another glimpse…when the door did not open, he turned back to his food.

…

Exhausted, Jarenna wiped a hand across her damp forehead as she finished hanging up the last article of clothing, making sure that the clothes were on their respective hangers. It had taken her awhile to remember which haori belonged to whom in the beginning, but now she only needed to glance at the different, insignificant markings she had made on the bottom hem to make things much easier for her.

The hem of her plain yukata was soaked through from the water, but she hardly minded. Kimiko, who was very quickly becoming her good friend, had been doing the laundry with her too, and had livened everything up with her vivacious chatter. It was difficult to be moody whenever she was around, Jarenna had learned, and despite herself, had enjoyed the other girl's company immensely. They talked about everything, the sky, the warriors, the birds in summer, Kimiko's huge family, everything…she didn't seem to mind the fact that Jarenna had skirted around most of the questions pertaining to her family and her past, and for that Jarenna was grateful. She did not want to talk about her past. It was just too traumatizing.

"Finally, we're done." She said as the two of them picked up their laundry tubs and headed inside. The sun hung high in the sky, glaring down at all of them, but nonetheless, it was a wonderful afternoon.

"Yep!" Kimiko said jovially as she bounced along beside her. "It's a beautiful day out, Jarenna-san. Shall we go do something special?"

Jarenna smiled slightly at the younger girl. "Have you finished everything yet? Junko-san will get mad if you go out without finishing your chores."

"Of course! Now come on, I'll show you this new stall in town. They're selling the best accessories around, you'll love it!"

…

Kyoto, even in the midst of civil battles, still maintained it colorful façade. Shops still opened as per usual, people still did their shopping and walked around. It was only in the cover of the night that the killings happened. Jarenna followed Kimiko at a more sedate pace as she bounced along merrily, acting very much like a child would in a candy store.

Jarenna couldn't help but grin at her behavior, and briefly wonder HOW is it that Kimiko managed to run along without tripping over the hemline of her kimono. They had taken the time to change their clothes, Kimiko in a pretty yellow kimono, and Jarenna in a simple lavender one she had bought a few weeks ago.

"Hurry up, Jarenna-san!" Kimiko laughed gaily, stopping to buy a bag of colorful sweets and offering them to her.

"What's the hurry, Kimiko-san? We have a whole day ahead of us!" She laughed lightly, very much amused as she quickened her pace.

"Half, actually. Now come on. You walk like such a LADY, Jarenna-san, it's not healthy!"

"Hai, hai!" Keeping her eyes peeled for any stall that sold blank books--she had finished her last couple of books, filled with the poems and short stories she'd written down when she had felt particularly afraid. Writing had a sense of security for her, and it had always comforted her to know that there was another larger world out there, a world where anything was possible.

Then Kimiko caught sight of a stall just in front, full of glittering, shining ornaments. A couple of women milled around the stall, and one was busy bargaining with the stallholder. Jarenna watched the exchange with barely concealed delight as the middle-aged woman tried to cut it down to half price.

"I say, it's not possible, ma'am! It's either that or you don't buy it at all!"

Obviously they had been going on for some time now. Kimiko tugged at her and pointed to a delicate looking butterfly kanzashi that lay in the middle of everything.

It was a really pretty thing. The gossamer butterfly wings shimmered in the sunlight, and fluttered gently when she picked it up. The stick itself was gilded with what looked like tiny precious stones that shone brightly, and for it's eyes, a beautiful amethyst color.

"Wow," Kimiko said, goggle-eyed.

"It's beautiful," Jarenna agreed, staring at it. It was simply exquisite, and it wasn't too heavy or light, feeling just nice in her hand.

"Try it, then!" the younger girl urged eagerly, and Jarenna complied, sweeping up her ebony hair and placing it carefully through. Kimiko studied her for a moment, liking what she saw. "Wow, Jarenna-san. It looks fabulous on you!"

The stallholder, who had kept the money the grumbling woman had given him, shot her a cordial smile. "So you've got your eye on this, miss? It's a one of a kind piece, you can't find it anywhere else!"

Jarenna smiled sadly and shook her head. "I'm afraid I cannot afford this, sir." She moved to remove it from her hair, but the stallholder immediately shook his head.

"No, no! It'll be a sin for you not to wear it," he laughed. "Give me whatever you can afford, miss. Whatever you can afford."

…

"I can't believe he sold it to you for only 3 sen!" Kimiko said incredulously as they went on their way, with Jarenna looking very much like a real lady now and liking it. At least she had something beautiful to hold her hair up with. The day was uncomfortably warm, and she didn't like wearing her hair loose. "Gosh, you must have some kind of special power or something! Did you see the way he argued with that lady earlier for over a couple of sen?"

"Maybe he knows she could afford it," Jarenna offered. "She was dressed in a beautiful kimono, after all."

"Or maybe he found you simply irresistible," Kimiko giggled.

"He's more likely to find you irresistible, Kimiko-san," Jarenna smiled. In her opinion, the younger girl was the prettier one out of the two of them, and besides, with her genki disposition, who wouldn't like her? They stopped in front of a small teahouse. "Shall we have tea? I heard that the delicacies this place serves are wonderful."

…

Okita blinked and looked again, despite himself. The crowd was making way for his group; they were on their usual patrol and had gotten news that an Ishin meeting was going on a good few streets away. They were just about making their way there when he noticed a vaguely familiar form cross the street a good few meters away from him.

If he wasn't wrong, it was Jarenna.

In a kimono.

Looking no less than a noblewoman.

She even walked like one

He blinked again. It was her, all right, although he almost couldn't recognize her from the lavender coloured kimono she was wearing. Briefly, his mind ran through all the possible noble families she could have come from, but none of them matched the name Yukijorou.

Maybe her family had been far away from here. He had asked where she came from once, but she couldn't answer, having been abducted from her family when she had been a child. He had never asked since then.

"Taichou?" Came a single, inquiring voice that broke through his thoughts. Okita glanced back, and realized that he'd unwittingly stopped in his tracks.

Shaking his head slightly for being such an idiot, he picked up his steps again and banished thoughts of the servant girl to the very back of his mind. He had a job to do here.

…


	2. Midnight Surgery

…

By the time the two women were walking back towards the Shinsengumi headquarters, the sun had already set and was now casting it's last glows over the horizon. Jarenna was relating to an eager Kimiko about the finer details of poetry and what made it good when Junko-san ran out of the building, her kimono hitched slightly higher so as to facilitate her running. Her face was flushed and she looked extremely disturbed.

"Yukijorou-san, we've got two casualties inside, and they need immediate care! Now!"

Jarenna stared at the older woman for a second. _Casualties?_ The Shinsengumi must've been in a skirmish with those Ishin soldiers again, and from the looks of it, the Ishinshishi must've been pretty formidable. Junko and the other older maids were always the ones who tended to the wounded, but for them to come to her…they must be very bad. Quickly, she digested the news as Junko tugged on her arm. "Junko-san, how bad are they?"

"There was blood all over, and the cuts are extremely deep and serrated. Those are not clean cuts, Yukijorou-san. The young men have been brave, but the longer they wait, the less chance they'll have for surviving. Hurry, time is of the essence!"

"Which squad?" she asked absently as she ran with Junko, hitching up her kimono skirts to take longer strides. She was not able to do anything until she saw the actual scene.

"Takeda-sama is one of the injured. Harada-sama is the other. It was a bitter victory."

__

What battle isn't?

…

With Junko and Kimiko hot at her heels, Jarenna rushed into what was known as the First Aid room. She saw Okita's head whip up to see them, and when he focused on her, she saw that he relaxed slightly.

On the futons lay the two of them, literally soaked in blood. Their injuries, on closer inspection, were much worse than what Junko had just described to her. The sword stab and slash wounds were deep, and they had barely managed to stop the bleeding, and then there was the flesh that had been sliced open, deep and wide enough for her to see bone.

"Where are their squads?" she asked quietly, dreading the answer. She knew for a fact that if one of the rules of the Shinsengumi stated that if their captain fell to the enemy, they should fight to the death. And was that what they did?

"My squad reached there in time to fend them off," Okita stated quietly. "We couldn't save most of them. Harada passed out from his wounds after the Ishin dogs retreated."

"He's a stubborn fighter." _Kami-sama,_ she thought, fighting the urge to retch. She had lives to save here, and it wouldn't do to throw up all over them.

Whipping her dagger out of her kimono sleeve, she unsheathed it and used it to tear open the makeshift bandages that were wrapped around them before sliding the dagger into the fire, her mind running furiously through everything she had to do.

"Kimiko-san, can you please get me a bucket of hot water and fresh towels? Also get me all the new bandages you can find. Now. Junko-san, please find Hijikata-sama and ask if he would spare the Ishida Sanyaku. About six ounces should do the trick. Hurry."

The two women were out of the door in a flash.

"Is there anything I can do?" Okita asked, looking down worriedly at them.

"Yes, Okita-sama," Jarenna said briskly as she went to a cupboard and removed a small pouch. Opening it, he saw an array of wrapped threads and needles that glinted in the dim light. She picked her dagger up from the fire as she turned to Harada. He looked to be in much worse shape than Captain Takeda was, and she decided to operate on him first. "I'll need you to hold him down for me."

Okita, mildly surprised by her sudden take-charge demeanor, nodded and did as she said.

"Jarenna-san, what you needed is here," Kimiko said as she rushed into the room, panting slightly as she set the small bucket on the floor and put the towels on the stand next to the futons.

"Thank you. Give me more light."

…

She worked tirelessly through the night, and no words were exchanged save for the occasional instruction. She was fast and precise, yet infinitely gentle as she murmured soothing words to her patients. Her kimono was stained with their blood, and tendrils of ebony hair were spilling out of her bun, only to be pushed back impatiently. She had managed to completely stop all bleeding and smoothen out the serrated edges of the wounds, and now was the time for the tedious part, making sure that there would not be infection and the wounds were sewn up and closed properly.

Throughout all that, Okita watched her intently, lighting new lamps for her even as Junko and Kimiko finally retired for the night, unable to fight sleep any longer. Jarenna, for one, did not show any signs of weariness, and the strength that enamated from her delicate features captivated him. She was an entire juxtaposition within herself, strength within weakness. And it did not help that she was kneeling entirely too close to him, her unmistakable scent of summer roses wreaking havoc in his mind.

As the night wore on, and his worry for his subordinate waned, another distraction had increased to take its place; he could almost feel her warmth in the scant distance that separated them, and the way the light played sensually across her features, enticing him like a siren's song almost made him reach out to touch her, to see if the skin was really as smooth as it looked. It took most of his control not to do that, coupled with the fact that he was supposed to be helping her, and molesting her really did not fall into the category of 'help'. Disgusted with himself, he'd put a bit more distance between them, hoping that it would dispel the errant thoughts that were running through his mind.

__

She's beautiful when she's determined, he thought, wondering if that was why almost half of the new recruits fell all over themselves for her. He was in the midst of considering this when Jarenna leaned back and sighed, having finished wrapping the bandage around Takeda's upper arm. She then reached over, away from Okita, to take a clean towel to wipe the thin shin of perspiration that beaded on her forehead. Finally, _finally, _it was done. Exceedingly pleased with herself for a job well done, she jumped and held back a yelp when Okita suddenly said, "You put the finest doctors to shame, Yukijorou-san, the way you treat their wounds."

__

He is still here? Was her very first thought as she spun around to face him. Her second thought was infinitely more chiding. _He's still in the dirty Shinsengumi clothes! He must've been the one beside me all the while, making sure that the lamps were bright enough. _Why, oh why, hadn't she noticed him sooner? He made no noise at all, staying near her all the while as she raced against time to save their lives. Oh, Kami-sama.

Flushing with embarrassment, she stood up. "Gomen, Okita-sama. I hadn't noticed you there." She glanced out the window, at the rapidly approaching dawn before glancing at him. He must've been in these clothes the entire night. "I'll bring you some water for you to clean up."

Okita laughed, a pleasant, lilting sound that she found herself liking immensely. "It's quite all right, Yukijorou-san, I understand. I'll get the water myself, you must be tired from working the whole night."

Jarenna had already made her way to the door. "Iie. Come, Okita-sama, we have to get you out of these clothes, or I'll have an earful from Junko-san later."

…

It was still dark out, the first rays of the sun had not yet touched the horizon, and yet the birds were already chirping, a signal of the dawn that was to come. Okita, dressed in a light yellow gi and hakama, had just finished washing his hands and gratefully accepted the new towel Jarenna had handed to him after putting his haori into the wash. The butterfly kanzashi caught his eye, and he spoke, breaking the almost companionable silence. "That's a very beautiful kanzashi."

"Oh!" Jarenna's hand immediately shot up to the elaborate butterfly in her hair. She'd almost forgotten about it, thanks to the events earlier. "I-I bought it at a stall this afternoon. It's nothing, really." Embarrassed that he'd witnessed her bid to be a lady, she moved to take it down. A mere maid had no right to try to dress like a noble, after all.

"No," he said quietly, startling her. His dark eyes were gentle, yet mildly unreadable. "Leave it. It looks beautiful on you."

She flushed at the compliment, and the swordsman marvelled inwardly at how beautiful she was then. Dressed in a lavender kimono--albeit with bloodstains--the girl sent a strange feeling settling in the pit of his stomach, very much like when he'd caught sight of her at the marketplace earlier.

"I-Arigato, Okita-sama." Inwardly, she cringed. He was most likely just saying it to be nice. She knew that she looked like a total mess, hair askew, kimono spattered with blood…there was no way he would ever really think her more than average.

"How did you learn how to treat wounds so well?" he asked suddenly, inclining his head to regard her with a curious stare.

She smiled wryly, shadows dancing in her eyes. "Being a slave for most of your life tends to make you learn things." Absently, she rubbed her right arm, and Okita felt himself flare up momentarily. How anyone could hurt someone like her was unthinkable. Before he knew it, he was looking into doe-brown eyes flecked with green. By God, he had never realized how intriguing her eyes were. Large and expressive, yet with a hint of sadness in them. "Why do you ask, Okita-sama?"

"San," he said before he could stop himself. "When you're alone with me, call me Okita-san." He managed a laugh, though it sounded somewhat dry. "I'd never really gotten used to people calling me Okita-sama."

She regarded him for a moment. How anyone as humble and affable as he could be one of the fiercest swordsmen in the Shinsengumi was entirely beyond her, but she supposed it was a belief. People did many things, both wonderful and terrible according to their beliefs. He, she supposed, was no different.

By now, the sky was beginning to lighten slightly, the tiny slivers of the rising sun barely visible in the distance. She forgot all about her question as she looked out the window, captivated. She turned to Okita and smiled. "Have you ever seen the sunrise, Okita-san?"

"Hardly," he replied. His squad almost always returned near dawn, and when the sunrise actually happened, he was fast asleep, gathering his energy for when he had to wake an hour later. There was no time for idle watching, no matter how much he loved it.

"Well then, this is your lucky day!" her smile grew as she headed outside. "Life is too short for you to miss this."

Despite himself, he followed her outside. The sun was already inching up ever so slowly, and the colors of the sky were breathtaking. Swirls of pink, red, and gold mingled in the air, lovingly painted by the Almighty's paintbrush, and chasing away the nightmares of the dark. He saw the sun's glory before he felt it, bathing him in warmth as he seated himself beside Jarenna, who said softly. "Every sunrise is different, do you realize so? A new song to greet the new day."

"I didn't know you were poetic," he smiled as the sky lightened around them. He tore his eyes away from the beautiful sight in front of him to look at her. Suffused in the gold rays of the sun, she seemed to glow, the perpetual shadows in her dark eyes banished from sight.

And for a moment there, he thought he felt his heart skip a beat.

"Isn't it, though?" she replied. "Do you hear those birds? They're singing a song of hope, because that's what every day brings. No one can look at the sunrise and not be moved, do you not think so?"

"Aa," he found himself agreeing as he looked back at the rising reddish orb lackadaisically rising from the horizon as if waking from a long sleep. The fights and bloodshed were behind him for a moment; the peace and tranquility of the early morning soothing his troubled heart with a balm he found himself welcoming entirely.

And he knew that there would be no nightmare waiting for him when he slept later.

…

"For the last time, Kimiko-san, _nothing_ happened between us!" Jarenna said for the millionth time with a hint of expression. The younger girl had been following her around for hours, pressing her for details ever since she'd caught sight of Okita sitting with Jarenna on the porch watching the sunrise. Apparently, Kimiko had gotten it into her head that they were madly in love with each other.

"Come on, Jarenna-san," she wheedled. "You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

"There's nothing to tell."

"You are _so _lucky," Kimiko said enviously, still tight on Jarenna's heels. "Okita-sama is the dream man of every woman here, you know, and _you_ get to watch the sunrise with him!" she sighed. "_I _want to watch the sunrise with him, have him fall in love with me, have his kids…"

Jarenna laughed as she patted her friend's head affectionately. "Kimiko-san, you've got to stop dreaming."

"Hey," she scowled in response. "It's what I really want to do!" she sighed and threw up her hands. "All I want is for Okita-sama to notice me, but he doesn't! It's so frustrating!"

"Well, if you'd stop trying to stalk him…" It was true. Wherever Okita went, Kimiko was sure to be there whenever she had free time, hovering a little distance away from him, or, on occasion, sticking close to him and constantly asking if he wanted anything to eat or drink. Okita had politely declined countless of times, but what Jarenna was most impressed with was that he had never lost his temper with her, no matter how doggedly Kimiko had trailed him.

"I've got no choice, you know." Kimiko replied pointedly. "Not all of us are as lucky as you are, getting his attention whenever you're near."

Jarenna put the large clothes bucket down on the ground and ignored her last statement. Kimiko was particularly prone to bouts of jealousy where she and Okita were concerned. As far as Kimiko was concerned, she was bent on making Okita fall for her and starting a family with him.

A sweet dream, she mused absently as she started hanging the clothes, shielding her eyes from the glaring sun at the same time. She felt light-headed for a moment, but shook it away quickly. She had gone straight to work as soon as Junko-san and the other maids awoke and had been busy till now, still doing her chores. She had been somewhat of a heroine this morning, when word of her overnight 'surgery' spread among both maids and samurai alike.

Kimiko hadn't been too happy with the attention she'd gotten, having, for years, been the centre of attention, but Jarenna supposed the other girl had gotten over it and proceeded to bug her about Okita until now. Which, quite frankly, was very annoying.

"Jarenna-san…"

__

Oh, kami-sama… she looked heavenward for a moment, quietly praying for strength. "Aren't you supposed to be sweeping the courtyard? Junko-san will put you on night duty for two whole weeks if you forget to do it again."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" the thought of being on night duty again horrified her as she forgot all about her quest and made for the courtyard. "Thanks for reminding me! See you later, Jarenna-san!"

Jarenna sighed and got back to hanging the clothes. _Finally, I have a moment of peace._

…

It was in the late afternoon when she stepped into Harada-sama's quarters with a bowl of freshly brewed medicine. Junko-sama had given Takeda-sama's dose earlier and had assigned Jarenna to take care of Harada, as the older woman had worried that the wounds might act up again.

She jumped when he suddenly said, voice dry. "What are you doing here?"

He was lying on his futon, shirtless and wrapped in bandages. Some of them were bleeding, and he was staring at her. He had obviously been trying to get out of bed but had failed miserably. "I came to bring you your medicine," she replied, then frowned slightly, reaching into the sleeve of her working kimono for her handy first-aid kit. "Harada-sama, you've torn your stitches!"

He scowled at her. "I'm not gonna die from it, and I don't want no medicine. Help me up, woman. I need to see my men."

She met his irritable gaze steadily, not flinching in the least. "If you tear more of those stitches, you'll definitely bleed to death, and you need to take the medicine to help you heal faster."

He growled. "I don't care about that. Are you gonna help me up or not?!"

"Iie."

"Why you--"

"If you want to see your men, you're going to have to be strong enough to get up yourself. You're in no shape to do so now."

"Are you ordering me?"

"Hai, I am." She countered swiftly as she sat down beside him and laid out her kit. "Now, lie down. I want to see if you've torn those stitches badly."

He glared at her.

She glared right back, having had quite enough of his spoilt tantrum. "If you want an infection to kill you just because you're too stubborn to let me look at it, be my guest."

She moved to stand, but he grumbled under his breath and lay down. "All right. Whatever."

"Thank you." Gingerly, she opened the bandage that was soaked with the most blood. It wasn't too bad, though a couple of stitches were torn. The wound was open again, and she sighed, setting to work. She had to rethread it again. "You really should be careful, you know," she said quietly, taking his arm and laying it down.

Harada stared at her. The soft voice was so familiar, he knew he'd heard it somewhere…

"You're the one who treated me last night?" he asked, almost disbelieving. But the touch that fluttered across his skin now was gentle. He remembered feeling that touch as he drifted in and out of agonizing consciousness and finally lulled to sleep, where he had felt no more pain.

"Hai. You were in a very bad shape then. It's a miracle that the two of you survived."

He looked at her for a long moment. She didn't look up, being more occupied with stitching up his wound. He was almost certain--as he passed out after beating down the last Ishin scum--that he was done for. He knew his injuries better than anyone else, and yet this slip of a girl had managed to bring him back from the jaws of death, thus enabling him to kick more Ishin butts.

__

I suppose I owe her a 'thank you', he thought. He had never really thanked anyone before, much less a woman, but then again, she as good as saved his ass. "Arigato," he said gruffly.

She gave him a tiny smile. "Doitashimashite."

He watched as she stitched him back up, noting how her long lashes cast delicate shadows over well-formed cheekbones, and how her dark brown--almost black--hair spilled over her shoulders only for her to tuck them back somewhat impatiently. She really was a pretty little thing, like those little porcelain dolls he'd seen in a couple of shops while patrolling. Briefly he wondered if she was like them, pretty on the outside, nothing on the inside, like a freaking flower vase or something.

"I hope it doesn't hurt too much," she said as she changed his bandages and started on another.

"Are you kidding?" he said cockily. "I've been through worse. Much worse."

Jarenna frowned as she laid a hand on his shoulder, then on his neck, trying not to notice the fact that despite his slender frame, his muscles were very well formed. In short, he was…to put it in Kimiko's words, a total hunk. "You're very warm."

He smiled flirtatiously up at her. "Think I'm hot, eh?"

She completely missed the innuendo and the Tenth Captain's mischievous tone, lost in her thoughts on what a fever possibly meant. Was it infected already? The last thing the Captain needed was more complications, she decided. "You're running a fever, Harada-sama." She was inwardly glad that she had the foresight to leave the bucket of cool water beside him as she dipped a towel inside, wrung the water out and folded it neatly before laying it on his forehead.

When she finished changing his bandages and making sure that no more stitches were torn, she picked up the rapidly cooling medicine and held it to him. "Here, Harada-sama. Finish this up and you can go back to sleep." Then she realized that he couldn't really drink from it, so she held the bowl to his lips.

"Hey, I'm not a little kid." He frowned. "Don't treat me like one, all right?"

"You're heavily injured," she retorted. "Accepting help doesn't make you less than a man, you know."

"You've got a smart little mouth on you, wench."

There was something about him that made her like him immediately. She didn't know what it was, exactly, but for once in many years, she smiled and was comfortable enough with him to shoot back. "Iie, Harada-sama. It's because you're so easily defeated."

He laughed at that. It was the first time any woman had talked to him like that; this girl had spunk all right.

…


	3. Hope, Faith, and Death

It was in the wee hours of the morning when Jarenna opened her eyes, her breath coming in ragged gasps. It had been the same nightmare all over again, terrifying in its intensity. She was reliving her days of slavery night after night, and she was sick of it.

She was sick of being afraid.

Pushing away the thin covers, she struggled to her feet, trying to shake off the aftereffects of the awful dream. She would get to work, then. It was out of the question to get back to sleep now; she didn't want the nightmare coming back. With a sigh, she changed into her working kimono--the weather was getting slightly chillier--and pulled her hair into a simple ponytail.

__

It's already been seven months, she thought as she folded her futon neatly before stepping out. _Strange how it seems to be only yesterday._

In the darkness like this, it was entirely too easy to be transported back in time to that little hellhole she had crawled into, beaten, half-dead, and just a tiny step from being outright demented. It had taken her a long time to resume what she was before she was kidnapped, and she knew it would take her longer still for her to put the whole thing fully behind her. She was trying, kami knew she was, but it was the nights that threatened to undo her efforts altogether.

None of the staff were awake yet, she noted as she headed into the dark kitchen. _It must be earlier than I estimated. _Blindly locating the lamps and the box of matches, she was caught off guard when she lit the lamps and saw someone sitting on the windowsill not too far away from her.

She caught herself from screaming, though, because one, the blue haori he was wearing marked him as one of the Shinsengumi. Two, that person was Okita.

"Yukijurou-san," The man in question greeted, with a bright smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Okita-san," Jarenna replied, recovering swiftly and noting that he was wearing his daisho pair and his full Shinsengumi uniform...had he just come back from patrolling the streets? "What are you doing in the kitchen at this time?"

"I was about to ask you the same question," he responded casually, jumping off the sill and landing nimbly in front of her, looking for all the world like it was perfectly normal that people sat in window sills and jumped off them in front of maids in the dead of the morning. His sudden closeness sent a strange bolt of warmth through her that she had to fight to conceal. Oblivious to her sudden discomfort, he looked her over for a brief moment before his eyebrows knitted slightly, his smile fading. "Are you well, Yukijurou-san?"

"Hai." Jarenna was surprised at the question. Why had he asked?

He studied her a little more before replying. "Why then, are you afraid?"

__

Nani? She should've known that there was nothing that she could possibly hide from a swordsman of his caliber. He had most likely probed her ki. Mustering up a faint smile to reassure him, she said. "It's nothing, really. It was just a dream."

He cocked his head slightly. "A dream that scares you enough for you not to get back to sleeping."

Jarenna made herself busy as she started the fires and began boiling water, anything to take her mind from what he was talking about. "I am simply rested enough. It has nothing to do with the nightmare."

"Then why are you shaking?" he asked.

__

He's good, she thought. For all his merriment, his sharp eyes missed nothing. She hurriedly set the pot down and instinctively put her hands behind herself. "With all due respect, Okita-sama, I must ask, what are you doing in the kitchen at this time?"

His reply was simple as he looked out the window. "To see the sunrise again."

She was pleasantly surprised. Was it because of what she had said yesterday? She knew that he'd just gotten in from patrolling, and he was bound to be tired, so...why? The question was out of her lips before she knew it.

Now it was his turn to be surprised. She caught a split second of his somewhat unreadable expression before he turned away from her. "It's just like you said, Yukijurou-san. Everyone needs hope once in a while, ne?"

"Hai," she said quietly, sensing that he would not reveal any more. She respected his privacy as she reached over to the rapidly warming kettle to check if it was ready. It was still too early for dawn. "Would you like some tea?"

"Aa. Arigato." He nodded slightly with a smile, finally letting himself relax. Even a Miburo grew weary sometimes.

Okita watched her move out of the corner of his eye. The occasional sounds of preparation distracted him momentarily, and he welcomed it. At least he knew that he wasn't by himself. He didn't know why, exactly, he felt that way, but this time, he really did not want to be alone. The duels, the endless fights against the Ishin, the killings...their death screams haunted his every step. And yet, he knew that he could not, _would_ _not,_ stop now. To do so would slight their memory, for, after all, what were they but men who died for their beliefs?

This time, he watched her openly. She had been touched by death and seemingly endless suffering, yet the deep light within her exotic hazel eyes refused to dim, to relinquish hold to the shadows that held sway over her heart.

Finally, she offered a steaming cup of tea to him with an awkward smile. "Ano…it's not exactly the best, but--"

"Arigato, Yukijurou-san," Okita accepted the cup graciously, the familiar scent of green tea tickling his nostrils. "It's been quite a while since anyone made tea for me." He glanced over at her curiously as she resumed her business. "You're not having any?"

"I don't drink tea."

"You're quite skillful with it nonetheless."

Her tone was wry. "Not all of my masters were belonged to the lowest classes, you know. I had to learn, or I'll be beaten. Not much of a choice."

Okita took that in for a moment before he finally asked. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

__

So young, and yet…

"How do you do it, Yukijurou-san?" he asked again, this time staring straight at her with a mixture of amazement and respect.

She blinked, confused at his question. "Pardon me?"

"How do you walk around like none of those monstrous things never happened to you?" _What stopped you from going totally crazy?_

This time she was the one who looked away, breaking eye contact. When she finally answered, it was so soft that he had to strain to hear it. "Because having them haunt my nights is enough. I do not need to dwell on them in the day."

So that explained her terror earlier.

"The ghosts never stop haunting you, yes?" Okita said as he gazed outside. He sighed, and Jarenna saw something that she was sure no one else saw.

The true face of Okita Soushi.

Not Okita Soushi, Shinsengumi Ichibantai Taichou, but Okita Soushi, the man within all the masks he wore.

"You are lucky, Yukijurou-san. You have a chance to put your ghosts to rest. Yet I shall carry my burden for the rest of my life." He looked at her for a long moment, then forced a loud laugh. "Look at us, it's barely the new day and yet we're depressing ourselves with this kind of talk!"

She did not return his smile as she watched him carefully, her expression thoughtful. "Does it get easier?"

"What does?"

"Getting into that mask and hiding from the world. Does it get easier?"

Okita felt a momentary flash of anger. How dare this girl even…

__

Even what? A snide voice questioned deep within his mind. _Even state what is true?_

He glanced sharply at her, but already she was off doing her chores. Apparently, she was not interested in the answer. Even then… "Like what you said, Yukijurou-san, no one needs to dwell on awful things in the daytime too. Just facing them in the night is enough."

He knew that that was totally irrelevant, but it felt good for him to say it. Maybe then he would be able to believe it.

A long silence stretched between them before Jarenna bowed and said. "Gomenasai, Okita-sama, I have overstepped my boundaries."

"Iie, Yukijurou-san. I quite appreciated that." He was surprised to find that he actually meant it. He didn't know what it was about her that made him unable to don his customary happy-go-lucky chap in her presence, and he definitely did not know what it was about her that made him feel strangely…vulnerable and strong at the same time. It was strange and new, yet not entirely unpleasant.

He knew, that if it were any other person, he would've just laughed, cracked a few jokes, made them think he was fine and dandy, that nothing bothered him, and waltz out intact. But with her…she seemed to see into his very soul, and those eyes…he knew he could look into them forever…

__

Ahou, a part of his mind snapped, disturbingly, taking on the voice of his good friend Saito. _This is no time to be getting mushy and soft! A few words and you crumble to her?_

But then again, he was only human. No matter that he was one of the top swordsmen in Kyoto, no matter how many enemies he killed, he was still only human. And with being human came weaknesses; he had come to accept that long ago.

Once again, the kitchen lapsed into silence.

…

The next week and a half passed quickly, and before the crack of dawn of each morning, Jarenna would find Okita seated on the kitchen's window sill, looking out at the dark sky. He would ask her if it was the nightmare, she would make tea for him, and most of the time they would talk.

Apart from the first few awkward days, they began to talk about anything and everything, and Okita had been surprised that for such a delicate and demure little thing, she was indeed a woman with strong opinions and feelings. They had even discussed poetry in depth, and the swordsman had rapidly gained an interest in her, wondering if there was anything else he had yet to know about her.

It was quickly becoming a ritual, watching the sunrise together, and Jarenna had begun to enjoy the two hours she had with him. He was good company, and for some reason, she had begun to look forward to his presence, especially after one of her nightmares. He seemed to have an innate ability to soothe her fears, little by little.

He would leave just after the sun rose, when the other maids started coming in, and she would go back to her work, not seeing him anymore for the entire day. He had told her that his squad was assigned to do patrolling during the day, which explained his absence from the compound. Maybe it was just as well, because Kimiko was seriously getting on her nerves about it. Of course, there were already rumors that she and Okita were involved, and no matter how much Jarenna vehemently denied it, Kimiko seemed to think that she was guilty, and proceed to give her the cold shoulder for kami knew how long, saying something about Okita being her dream.

Finally, Jarenna had had enough. One fine afternoon, she gathered the clothes and stuffed them into the large bucket in front of her, staring steadily at an irate Kimiko, who had apparently heard that she and Okita were having a secret affair. Kimiko was a lovely girl, really, but when she got like that, there was no reasoning with her. "I'm not going to say this again, Kimiko-san. Nothing happened between us. If you want to sulk, go and do it somewhere else. I have work to do."

The underlying irritation in her words annoyed the younger girl even more as she crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips. "You always tell me that, Jarenna-san, but if there is really nothing between the two of you, why do I keep hearing those blasted rumors?"

"Ask those people who started it," came the reply.

Kimiko followed Jarenna's brisk footsteps outside. "Look, I'm just saying that if there's anything--"

"There's _nothing_ between us, Kimiko-san."

She snorted. "There better be…I mean, there are so many men in the Shinsengumi clamoring for your attention, why do you have to find Okita-sama, right?"

Jarenna couldn't help but roll her eyes. Her friend got so ridiculous sometimes. "Clamoring for my attention? Hardly."

As if to put lie to her words, a shout came from opposite the courtyard. "Oi, Yukijurou-san!!"

It was Harada, who was now hurrying across the yard, looking as good as new and with a twinkle in his eye. He really was a handsome man, even with that customary plant stalk in his mouth. Roguish, but handsome.

Both girls started to curtsey, but Harada plucked the heavy bucket from Jarenna's arms and stopped her. "There really is no need for that." He inclined his head briefly towards Kimiko and smiled slightly before turning his full attention to Jarenna. "Now, where do you want this to go?"

Jarenna shook her head. "Harada-sama, there's no need--"

"Nonsense," he snorted. "You've helped me a lot, and it's time for me to return the favor. And call me Sanosuke. Where does this go?"

Behind him, Jarenna caught the raised eyebrow and smugly questioning look Kimiko gave her. She would've returned that with a glare, but with the Tenth Squad Captain looking at her, she couldn't quite possibly do that.

And to make things worse, Kimiko had hurried away. Great, now she was going to be able to live this down. As they walked across the yard to where the clothesline was, Jarenna's mind turned to more important things. Like why in Kami's name he was out of bed, for instance.

"Sanosuke-kun, don't you have to rest? Your wounds--"

He flashed her a crooked smile. "Two weeks is more than enough for me, Yukijurou-san. What do you think I am, a weakling?"

"I'm not the one who took on almost sixty Ishin men and still came out alive."

"True. But if it weren't for you, I'd be dead. So…thank you." He stopped, and Jarenna had stopped with him. His dark eyes held an intensity that was not common for him, and she squirmed under his gaze, feeling slightly uncomfortable. And it really didn't help matters that he practically towered over her.

"There's no need for that, Sanosuke-kun. I was just doing my job."

Again with that disarming roguish smile. The Tenth Captain was very well-known for that. "Oh? I don't see the word 'doctor' in your job description."

__

A doctor?? "All I did was stitch you up and make sure you weren't infected. It was lucky." She tucked an errant strand of hair back and glanced over where a couple of the Shinsengumi men--most likely from his squad--were watching with mild interest. "Thank you for helping me carry the bucket, Sanosuke-kun, but maybe you should get back before your men think we're staging a play."

Harada returned her smile and set the bucket down before heading in the direction of where his men were standing. "Aa. I'll see you around then, Yukijurou-san."

…

"Kami-sama," Junko groaned one night as she sorted through the bloody mess that was called laundry. "Look at all the blood!"

Kimiko, who had been passing by on her way to her sleeping quarters, poked her head in curiously. "Junko-san?"

The old woman sighed and began pouring warm water on the clothes in a bid to get out the blood. "Kimiko, what are you doing still up?"

Kimiko shifted uncomfortably. It was quite impossible to tell her that she had been waiting near the gates for a glimpse of Okita-sama. She hadn't seen him lately, so she was eager for just another glance. He couldn't talk to her, though, because Hijikata-sama had whisked him and the other captains off as soon as they stepped in. Something about a meeting. Nonetheless, Junko had no tolerance for Kimiko's dreams, saying that they were impossible and nonsensical. She had been on the receiving end of the older woman's sharp tongue enough times to learn not to make that mistake again. "I-I went to the kitchen for a drink. Couldn't sleep." She looked at the clothes that were filled with blood and resisted the urge to gag. No matter how many times she saw things like this, it still never failed to make her queasy. She hated blood. "Shall I wake Jarenna-san to help you?"

Junko shook her head. "I'll handle this myself. That poor child's been sleeping late and waking terribly early. She's going to burn out if she doesn't have more rest."

Irritation flared within Kimiko at that statement. Why the heck did everyone always seem to care about Jarenna so much? Okita-sama only spoke to her, Harada-sama gave her all his attention, and now even Junko-san was taking her side! What was wrong with the world? Was she invisible or something? It was terribly frustrating and unfair!

"Would you like to help, Kimiko-san?" Junko asked offhandedly.

She stiffened. Spend the entire night washing blood off this laundry instead of getting the beauty sleep she deserved? _Definitely not. _"Oh, Junko-san, I would love to, but--" she broke it off with a harsh sounding cough. "I think I'm not feeling well these days…"

"Go to sleep then," Junko replied, looking mildly disbelieving, but deciding to give her the benefit of the doubt. Kimiko had been looking slightly off-color these past few days, after all.

…

"I killed my friend."

The statement came out from nowhere, and the brevity of those four words made Jarenna stiffen considerably. They were in the kitchen as usual. She'd noticed from the bloodstains on his haori, his disheveled appearance, and the slightly crooked way his bandanna was tied, but had thought it was just another night of patrolling. He was quiet, but Jarenna had earlier sensed that something was very wrong, though she had it equated to some kind of conflict with other captains. It was not good to pry, after all.

But…

"Okita-san?"

His face was deathly pale, his eyes almost wild; she had never seen this side of him before, and it scared her. Hurriedly, she put down the pot and moved over to where he was seated, concerned. "Okita-san, are you all right?"

"No, no. I murdered my friend." He lowered his head. "I murdered Keisuke."

Jarenna stared at him, stunned. For the past week, news had been flying around that Yamanami Keisuke had deserted the Shinsengumi in the wake of the mess with Serizawa Komo and his minions. All in all, it had been a terribly messy week, full of conflicts between the men. She had not been witness to most of them, however, since she had been in the kitchens most of the time, but she had heard enough to be apprehensive.

But she did not know that it would come to this. Recovering, she reached and put a hand on his. She felt his stiffen slightly, but relaxed a little later, accepting the simple touch. The smooth leather of the armguard prevented her from connecting with his skin, but still. He was troubled, and that was all that mattered. "Okita-san," she said softly, catching his attention and holding it. He looked so much like a child then, like the seventeen year old he truly was. "Okita-san, speak to me."

He stared at her for a long moment, then he told her the story.

As he told her the story, a cold prickle of dread worked up her spine. Hijikata-sama had ordered Okita to hunt Yamanami down, Yamanami, childhood friend of both Hijikata-sama and Okita-san. Earlier, Okita had brought him back and under Hijikata's orders, commanded him to commit seppuku. Okita had been behind his childhood friend to cut off his head when the deed was done, which explained the blood.

__

Oh, kami-sama, she thought as she gazed at the man before her, quaking in his grief. It had taken everything Okita had to actually go through with it, and…she closed her eyes, suppressing a shudder. Hijikata was indeed a man who adhered to the law. So much so that he killed his friend for it.

When Okita was finished, the wild look in his eyes intensified, huge and searching and angry and lost even as he ripped his haori and threw it to the floor with a strangled cry.

The heartbroken sound struck her hard as she knelt down to pick up the jacket for him. Jarenna felt tears prickle in her eyes as she saw Okita break down, sobbing into his knees. Okita Soushi was just a man, after all. A man who had made his friend commit seppuku.

A man who had watched his friend die.

And in all honesty, he had never expected something like this to happen.

Feeling her heart break for him, Jarenna reached over and wrapped her arms around his hunched frame, blinking back tears. She felt him stiffen once again for a second, before she found herself crushed against him. She didn't know how he'd managed to stand, but he did. No words were exchanged; they were not important, what with Jarenna offering her silent comfort, and Okita, for the first time, drawing from her strength. He was just so tired, so tired…

They stood like that for a long time.

…

Hey-ey, what do you guys think? Drop me a comment!


	4. Snow Angel?

Hello all! Here I am again! Just came back from a vacation in Egypt, and so am specially rushing to put this up to the sweet people who reviewed my story, namely **Icy Blossom**, **Aiko-chan**, **Gia**, and **Alice**. Without them, I really would never have put this up, 'cause the initial lack of response had been very discouraging. Gosh, thanks, you guys! This is for you!

…

..

.

The three weeks passed without incident and without Okita's presence, though the kitchens had gained a new visitor, Harada, who, during his free time, came down and flirted with the young maids under the excuse that he was hungry, though it was more to see Jarenna and talk to her. His purpose had been made known after the first week, though, when he asked for Jarenna after not seeing her in the kitchens. In Kimiko's words, "Men are crap at being subtle."

On the other hand, it was appreciated that the Tenth Captain had at least made an effort in subtlety; the Fifth Captain, Takeda Kanryuusai, obviously had not heard of the word. As soon as he'd gotten better, he'd relentlessly pursued Jarenna, having marked her as one of his 'conquests'. The man, who was normally a snivelling stinkweed who had no real opinion of anything, suddenly had developed the tenacity of a pit bull, and it had become almost like a spectator sport for most of the Shinsengumi Fifth Squad members to see how Jarenna dodged his advances time and again.

Bets were placed and wagers were lost as the girl nimbly slipped from his grasp time and again; Takeda had never gotten so much as a customary touch on the hand, which made him the private laughingstock of most of the Shinsengumi men.

Kimiko, on the other hand, did not share the joke. After seeing those two captains hot on her friend's heels, she had silently seethed with envy. Wasn't she the one who had brought the water and most of the bandages? Hadn't she sacrificed most of her sleep helping Jarenna? All her friend did was just take some thread and stitch them up, nothing she couldn't do, and yet she was treated like some kind of heroine or something.

__

If I had been faster on my feet, she found herself thinking angrily as she caught sight of Harada speaking with Jarenna, a goofy-looking grin on his face instead of the usual cocky one. _It could've been me in the limelight. Me talking to Okita-sama, to Harada-sama, to get pursued by Takeda-sama. Not her. Definitely not her._

Now, no one in their right mind would want to be pursued by a man like Takeda Kanryuusai, but Kimiko had been thinking of the attention that it would garner, and it definitely would turn a good few heads in her direction. Releasing her breath in an angry snarl, she scrubbed at the bowls with significantly more force than usual. She had had enough of those men fawning over Yukijurou Jarenna; it was sickening. Jarenna definitely did not deserve that. Kimiko was prettier and perkier, needless to say much more attractive, in the well-endowed sense. It was time to get the attention back to herself.

The sound of voices roused her from her thoughts as she glanced outside quickly to see who was entering. As if their voices were not distinctive enough.

__

Oh great, speak of the devil. She quickly schooled her features into a bright smile as she turned to her newfound rival, who had just entered with Harada-sama at her side. "Harada-sama! What a pleasure to see youhere again!!"

The pair looked surprised at the sudden outburst of enthusiasm, but the Tenth Captain recovered quickly. "Good to see you too, Kiriko."

This time Kimiko barely suppressed her irritation as she replied. "It's _Kimiko_, Harada-sama."

"Right. Sorry." He immediately turned his attention to Jarenna, who handed him a bento box.

"I'm not going to do this for you again, Sanosuke-kun," she chided him with a smile. "What if all the other men come in and start wanting extra lunch?"

He flashed her his patented crooked smile. "Why did you have to be such a good cook, then?"

__

Yeah, right, Kimiko almost snorted. _Who doesn't know that he does this only to spend more time with the great Yukijurou Jarenna?_

Jarenna, for most part, was completely clueless, having had little or no friendly experience with men prior to this. She simply shook her head. "You're a bottomless pit when it comes to food, Sanosuke-kun. I hope that will last you till dinnertime. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

"Right." He shrugged, and Jarenna missed the mild disappointment that crossed his handsome face for a split second. "I'll be going then. See you around, Jarenna-san."

…

The kitchen was plunged into silence as the Tenth Captain sauntered out the doors. Jarenna, for most part, was cleaning up the entire place, wiping clean the greasy tabletops. Finally, Kimiko couldn't stand it.

"Well?" she demanded.

Jarenna looked startled at the sudden bark as she blinked. "Well what?"

"_Just friends,_ huh?"

She sighed and put down her cloth. "Kimiko-san, we've been over this. Why are you so obsessed about it? There is _nothing_ going on. Not with me and Harada-sama, or Takeda-sama, or Okita-san--sama--, all right?"

"I don't care about Harada-sama or Takeda-sama, Jarenna!" she snapped irritably, putting down the bowl with a loud bang. "Okita-sama has barely been back ever since the last time he came into the kitchen. Why is that? What did you do?"

Unbidden, memories of that unforgettable morning wafted into her mind. Okita saying that he killed his friend. Okita pulling her to him. Okita crying in her arms, so unlike the swordsman she knew.

A warm flush spread through her body when she remembered him yanking her towards him. Pressed up against that strong chest, she had to admit that she'd lost her bearings for a while, and--

When Kimiko next spoke, she was a lot closer, and Jarenna could see her face getting redder and blotchier by the second. So that was why Kimiko had been giving her the cold shoulder the past few weeks. "What did you do, Jarenna-san?"

"I…I didn't do anything."

"You're always like that, you know!" the other girl exploded. "No, we didn't do anything, we're just friends, nothing happened. Nothing, nothing, nothing! What do you think I am, a moron?!"

Jarenna finally had had enough. This was stupid, and she refused to have anything more to do with it. "Look, Kimiko, you can choose to believe it or not, but I am under no obligation to explain everything I do to you! Okita-san has his own life, and if you want to know so much, why don't you go and ask him that yourself?! I am sick of you being so obsessive and jealous!" her normally gentle brown eyes flashed with anger as she turned to leave the kitchen. "Grow up, Kimiko. You're not twelve anymore!"

The door slammed, leaving Kimiko stunned. She had never seen Jarenna angry before, not at anyone or anybody, but that sudden outburst…_Well, at least nothing's going on between Okita-sama and her. If I ever find out that she does, there'll be to pay. _

…

__

Maybe a walk will clear my mind, she thought even as she got her anger under control. It appalled her still that she lashed out like that, but Kimiko really had been too annoying. Combined with her confused thoughts during the past few weeks and the lingering worry of Okita-san's absence, she had finally lost her temper. She cast a cursory glance around to make sure that Takeda-sama was nowhere in her immediate vicinity--she wasn't sure she would be able to deal with his advances right now--before slipping out the gate. She had promised Junko-san that she would be in before sunset to prepare dinner.

With a sigh, she headed northwards. It was a beautiful day today, the sun wasn't as warm as usual, and from the looks of it, autumn was setting in sooner than she'd thought; some of the leaves were already turning gold. It was always a beautiful sight, watching gold leaves flutter to the ground in a silent beckon to winter. Sad, but full of meaning.

__

It's only through death that you can find life, she thought as she knelt to pick up a leaf, her thoughts full of Okita. For some reason, she could not get his anguish-ridden face out of her mind. To think that he was dealing with this alone…it pained her all over again, and once more, she wondered what he was doing now. Was he alone somewhere, brooding? Was he out with his squad? No one deserved to see their dear friends die in front of them, much less helping those friends die. It was probably little comfort to Okita that Yamanami had died with as little pain as--

The sound of children's laughter and merry shouts roused her from her thoughts. Startled, she looked around for the source, and finally located it in a meadow by the river. There were several children laughing and playing catch with each other, paper balls, kites…it was almost like a toy paradise.

__

Amazing, she thought to herself as she stepped forward to get a closer look. There seemed to be someone giving them piggyback rides. _Even during these unstable times, these children still find things to be joyful abou--Kami-sama._

She stopped dead in her tracks when she realized who the person giving the piggyback rides were.

Okita Soushi.

Okita Soushi, First Captain of the Shinsengumi, was giving piggyback rides to _children_.

They didn't seem to be too frightened of him, she realized. In fact, they were all clamoring to be near him, begging for rides, for sweets…and Okita was laughing. Really laughing, and he looked so different from when he was within the Shinsengumi headquarters. It was as if a heavy load had been lifted off him, and in that light, he looked no more than a child. A child who had his childhood taken away from him, a child enjoying what he should have enjoyed.

The sparkle in his eyes was unmistakable as he pretended to be tackled by a bunch of boys no older than seven. She couldn't help but laugh at that. Kyoto's most feared swordsman, taken down by a few children? It was a sight to behold, indeed.

Okita, hearing the laugh, snapped to, and saw, not too far away from them, stood Jarenna, looking very much amused. though when she realized he was looking at her, she looked startled and somewhat embarrassed. "Jarenna-san?"

She bowed quickly, looking mildly uncomfortable. "I-I'm sorry if I'm disturbing, Okita-san. I'll leave--"

Okita hastily recovered from his surprise--she was the last person he'd expected to see. "Iie, Yukijurou-san, it's all right."

"Niichan, is she your wife?" One of the girls, Kino, asked curiously.

"Nani?" Okita turned a faint shade of pink as he turned to her. How did she even know something like that? "Iie, Kino-chan, Yukijurou-san is not my wife--"

"Snow Angel, Snow Angel!" Tamiya called out gleefully as she got to her feet and approached a blushing Jarenna, tugging on her kimono. "Snow Angel?"

Jarenna looked down at the little girl in surprise, feeling Okita's matching stare. She knew her first name was special, but to hear this girl say it…the little girl looked up at her with bright, hopeful eyes, and she couldn't help but be touched as she knelt down to her level. "Iie, my name is just Jarenna. What's yours?"

"Nakushi Tamiya!" she said proudly, then looked at Jarenna closely. "Kaa-san told me once that if I kept looking out for the brightest star in the sky, one day I'll find a snow angel and she'll grant me my wish! Are you a Snow Angel?"

Jarenna hesitated for a moment. The child looked so hopeful and innocent, and she didn't want to disappoint her. After all, children deserved their fantasies, especially so in these turbulent times, but lying to a child was something she couldn't bring herself to do. What if she couldn't grant that wish? "Tami-chan, your snow angel lives very, very far up there, and she's watching over you. I'm someone else's snow angel, you see? Your snow angel must come down and grant your wish herself, or it will never come true."

Tamiya's face fell. "Oh…" then almost as quickly, she brightened again. "Well then, who's the person you want to grant a wish to?"

__

I am never good at lying, she thought to herself as she scrambled for an answer. "Well…it's a child who lives far, far away from here."

"Oh! Is she a girl?" Kino piped up. It was then that Jarenna realized that most of the children were now rallied around her, listening to her every word with rapt attention. She started to reply when another little girl spoke up.

"Girls are always better than boys."

"Hey!" As expected, the juvenile battle of the sexes had begun, and it took everything the two adults had to keep both sides from jumping each other. Even then, the mood was lighthearted and relaxed, for they were just children, after all.

…

"I didn't know your name meant Snow Angel."

Jarenna simply smiled. Okita was walking beside her--he'd refused to let her walk behind him like any woman should. She'd protested at first, but he could be incredibly stubborn when he wanted to. "It doesn't. The real meaning is Snow Fairy." Her eyes took on a faraway glaze. "One of my masters gave me that name. He was not as bad as the others."

Okita glanced at her, realizing that she was about to become sad again. Laughing, he patted her arm. "It's a beautiful name, Yukijurou-san. He must've really liked you." It was uncommon for masters to give their servants first names; Jarenna must've had been special to him.

She made no reply to that. Instead, she looked over at him. "Okita-san, are you feeling better now?" What she really wanted to ask was why he didn't watch the sunrise with her anymore, but it would make her sound too needy, so she thought the better of it.

Jarenna caught sight of a momentary flash of pain before he turned to her and grinned. "Aa, I'm fine now. Thanks for asking."

She stared at him for a long moment. It was obvious he hadn't made closure to his friend's death yet. Reaching into the hem of her kimono, she took out the leaf she picked up and handed it to him. "Here, Okita-san. This is for you."

Okita looked confused. Why was she giving him a dry leaf, of all things? "What?"

"It's the first few leaves of autumn," she told him. "I just wanted to tell you that with death comes life. It might not be a human life, but a life of something else, nonetheless. Yamanami-sama was your good friend, but you gave your beliefs life when you executed him. He gave you something to hold on to, and in a war like this, you are going to need it."

In the sunset, she looked as beautiful as ever, her deep brown eyes gentle and expressive, her stance relaxed, a slight smile curving her naturally pink lips…in that moment, he realized something.

He had missed her.

He'd missed the times when he would sit in the kitchen and she would give him tea, following which they would watch the sunrise together. Silently, they would welcome to new day. Ever since that morning, he had stayed away from her; he knew that he had overstepped his boundaries by holding her that day, but he just couldn't resist it. He knew he needed something to hold on to before he went mad, and he reached out for the next best thing, but it made him feel so much worse after that, because all he had thought of when she was in his arms was how easy it would be to just take her, to just delve into her warm body for awhile, to seek the solace he so desperately needed for his grief. But as soon as he'd felt that, he was sickened. She had only wanted to comfort him, but in those few moments, he wanted her badly, more than anything he'd ever known. It had taken all of his discipline and will-power to walk away from her, and even then, he'd known that if she so much as asked him to stay, he would take her then and there, to hell with whether she wanted him to or not.

He looked down at the dried, withered leaf in his hand thoughtfully, feeling as if a small weight had been lifted off him. For some reason, her words comforted him like no one else had.

He stopped. "Arigato, Yukijurou-san. How do you always know what to do or say?"

"Nani?" she looked caught off guard as she stared at him in amazement. _Does he really think that?_ All she did was just to try to make him feel better, nothing more.

He smiled. "Thank you for giving me something to hold on to."

She shook her head. "Iie, Okita-san. You've always had that. I just opened your eyes to what you've always had." Then she glanced at the sky. "Oh, no! I promised Junko-san I'd be back before sunset!" Junko did not look kindly upon people who broke their promises, and Jarenna was sure that she would not appreciate her reasons for the delay. Hitching up her kimono slightly, she gave Okita a short wave before taking off. "I'll see you later, Okita-san. I really have to go!"

Shaking his head, he easily kept pace with Jarenna as she ran. "I'll come in with you, Yukijurou-san. Just explain to Junko that I needed you for an errand and you came back late."

"In case you haven't noticed, Okita-san, I am no good at lying. And Junko-san can pick out liars faster than a wolf sniffs out his prey."

Okita laughed. It was the first time he'd ever seen her look flustered, and he had to overcome a sudden urge to kiss her. "A fitting analogy, that it is."

There, he was laughing again. It was a pleasant sound that immediately seemed to make her feel better. She'd always liked his laughter, especially now, when he actually meant it._ I'll think about that later, _she dismissed hurriedly as she quickened her pace. _Now I've got bigger problems._

…

Jarenna was not happy. After helping prepare dinner last night to the tune of Junko's silent treatment, she'd quickly finished up her chores for the day and headed to her room, where she'd spent the rest of the night writing poems and short stories, and generally being alone, as usual. For some reason, she felt uncharacteristically restless that night. She normally would not have minded the solitude, but last night, it grated on her nerves, and annoyed her even more when she realized there was nothing she could have done about it.

Kimiko had not even looked in her direction the entire night, preferring very much to hang around and flirt with the Shinsengumi men, especially the captains. Luckily for Kimiko, the Third Captain had not been present for dinner--he was known to have very little tolerance for this sort of thing.

Harada, however, seemed to enjoy her company, and for that, Kimiko had desperately wished that Jarenna had been there to see how wildly they flirted with each other, but Fate did not seem to be on her side.

Currently, Kimiko was the entire opposite of Jarenna's mood, as she hummed a tune while she busied herself with the laundry. Okita-sama at least had spoken to her, which was an improvement. Before long, she would make sure that he would fall hopelessly in love with her and--

"Kimiko-san?" Jarenna spoke.

Inwardly, she growled. Why did she _always_ have to ruin a perfect moment?! "What?"

Jarenna was looking at her strangely as she cleaned out the bowls. "You were talking aloud, Kimiko-san."

__

Oh, kami-sama, Kimiko felt her face flush in embarrassment. _How much did Jarenna hear??_

Recovering quickly and remembering her little triumph over Jarenna she simply shrugged and smiled. "Oh, sorry. It's just that I had a good time with the guys during dinner last evening. Gosh, it was like I was the centre of attraction or something! You should've seen it." Well, it wasn't exactly true, but no harm elaborating.

"Oh," Jarenna smiled, completely missing the point of that statement as she went back to her work. A happy Kimiko was always a good thing. "Good for you, then."

"Harada-sama was _such _a gentleman," Kimiko went on with a sigh and an air of wistfulness. "I've never realized how gorgeous he was until last night." She giggled. Well, that was true.

Jarenna's eyes widened slightly as she caught the innuendo, and Kimiko, seeing her expression, moved on smugly. "Well, I've got to go and get some salt before Junko-san has my head, Jarenna-san. Ja!"

__

Mission accomplished.

…

"Jarenna-san, you in there?"

Jarenna looked up from the laundry she was doing upon hearing Harada's booming voice. "Sanosuke-kun?"

She felt footsteps bounding down the stairs leading into the laundry room, where she currently was, and before long she was face to face with the owner of that voice. Hurriedly standing up, she cleaned off her soapy hands and smiled. "Sanosuke-kun! What are you doing here?"

He leaned against the wall with a lazy smile, taking in the blue scarf she'd tied around her head to keep her hair away from her face, and speaking of her face…

He reached over and wiped off a few tiny soap bubbles that was on her cheek, feeling her sudden intake of breath as he did so.

"Sanosuke-kun?"

__

Kami this girl is cute even when she's blushing, he thought as her curious doe brown eyes held him in and made his mouth momentarily run dry. _She's got nice eyes. Seems like everything nice about her comes in pairs. Her eyes, her ears, her shoulders, her nice rounded--_

"Sanosuke-kun, are you all right?" she was looking at him oddly now, having gotten over the initial shock when he reached over and wiped off something from her cheek. She watched as the Tenth Captain snapped out of whatever daze he was in and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just wanted to ask you something." He grinned. "Looks like you're very much into your work, Jarenna-san. You've got soap bubbles everywhere."

"Hai," she smiled. "If I'm not, you all won't be wearing those nice clean clothes, ne?"

"Aa," he shrugged, then glanced around him. "You're alone in here?"

"Before you came in, yes."

"Where's your friend, that Kiriko girl?"

"Kimiko," she corrected him as she sat down again and started on another piece of cloth. So _that_ was what he was here for. He and Kimiko most likely had something going on, from what she'd gathered from the other girl earlier. "She's out buying salt for Junko-san." She paused, glancing up at him deliberately. "Why?"

"Just a question is all." He answered. Well, she was alone right now, so it wouldn't hurt to ask about--

"She's a nice girl," Jarenna said.

"What?" Harada asked, caught off guard. He definitely was not expecting this.

"Kimiko, she's a nice girl. A little too perky, but she's a good person. You've made a good choice."

__

What is she talking about? He thought, confused as he stared at her, wondering if it was a joke. The perfectly serious expression on her face said otherwise. Then it sank in.

She thought he liked Kimiko!

"Wait, wait, Jarenna-san. You think I like Kimiko?"

Now it was her turn to look confused. "You don't? But last night--"

"It was just harmless flirting," he told her. "All in the name of fun, that's all."

"Oh." She frowned slightly. He'd said that he wanted to ask her something. Was that his question? "You wanted to ask me something?"

"Yeah." He paused for a moment, and Jarenna saw a flash of uncertainty crossing his features for the briefest moment before his customary self-confidence slid into place. "Just wanted to ask if you uh--if you were free. After this. After the laundry."

"Yes, I am." She was more confused than ever. _This_ was the question he had wanted to ask? "Why?"

He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Well…it's a beautiful day out. How about a walk, take in the sights and all?"

__

Oh. "But Sanosuke-kun, I don't believe scenery watching is your cup of tea." Harada Sanosuke, she knew, was not one who spent time idling outside admiring the view. He was more the type who spent whatever available time training and sparring with his men, or visiting sake restaurants or going to Shimabara for a good drink and a good time with the women with the other Captains.

"Well, humor me a little. I need someone to accompany me." he replied before he could feel himself losing courage. _What's the matter with me?_ He wondered irritably. He was ferocious and aggressive in battle, irresistibly suave in handling women, but this one made him…nervous, somehow. It was not a good feeling, especially since he knew that there were much better looking women out there than her.

But then again, none of them made him feel the way he did when he was around her.

"But…couldn't you get your men to accompany you?" And besides, shouldn't he be asking Kimiko? She would be happy going out with him, even though she only had eyes for Okita-san.

"I think it's about time I dispelled the popular rumor that all of us Shinsengumi Captains are gay."

Jarenna blinked. There was such a rumor? It was a wonder the rumormonger did not get struck down in an instant. Before she could stop herself, she asked. "Are any of you?"

"Yeah, only one." A flicker of distaste crossed his features momentarily at the thought.

Jarenna, who was busy considering whether or not to go, absently asked--more of a time stalling tactic than anything. "Who is it?"

"Takeda Kanryuusai, of course."

__

What? Jarenna abandoned her thoughts for the moment. Takeda Kanryuusai, the Shinsengumi captain who pursued her relentlessly, was gay?! "I--"

Harada seemed to know what she was thinking. "The ahou only chased you to put on a show. And also to spite Okita and I. Trust me, he likes men. It's an open secret."

At that, Jarenna was more confused than ever. Why would he even want to use her to spite Okita and Sanosuke? It all didn't make sense. Why her? She started to ask when Sanosuke simply shrugged and said. "Well? Do I have the honor of being your escort for the afternoon?" He bowed slightly, and Jarenna had to laugh, a faint blush coloring her cheeks as she dismissed her earlier thoughts.

"Hai, hai, Sanosuke-kun! You don't have to do that!"

…

..

.

Author's note: Apologies for making Okita slightly OOC. In here, he is just seventeen years old, barely more than a child, so…just trying to put a child-like side to him.

LOL, effectively Harada's first date with Jarenna! Can't wait to see how that turns out. Hmm, is the impromptu Okita thing considered a date, too? I have no idea. But it's been really fun writing this story, 'cause even I don't know how it's gonna turn out. Just a reminder, though, the timeline is seriously messed up, so history buffs, please excuse me.

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Icy Blossom: Haha, I was just thinking about how Okita would react, what with the death of his close friend and all. Even Superman has his kryptonite, ne? Thanks so much for reading, and I really appreciated your reviews!

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Aiko-chan: I'm so glad you like my story! Oh no, I really didn't mean to make you cry!! Nah, Harada isn't really a jerk. He just is slightly chauvinistic and has a strong bond with his men, 'cause in the history books it's said that his men love him, so I was trying to put a noble side to him. Haha, Okita-sama is simply wonderful, ne? I love his voice on the OAV!

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Gia: Hey-ey, thanks for reading and reviewing! It means a lot to me, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. You're right, there are not many fics of him out there. Sigh…

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Alice: Hey there! My fourth installment is up. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Cheers!


	5. Awakening Feelings

Hey all! Posting up yet another chapter once more! Thanks to everyone for their reviews, and I really hope you enjoy it…

…

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?

Leading you down into my core,

Where I've become so numb without a soul

My spirit sleeping somewhere cold

Until you find it there and bring it back home

Wake me up inside,

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without,

You can't just leave me

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling 

Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

Got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought without a voice without a soul

Don't let me die here

There must be something more

Bring me to life

--Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"

.

..

…

The sakura trees were in full bloom, holding a brilliant contrast against the rapidly growing amount of gold on the other trees. _Sanosuke-kun has definitely found a wonderful day to go out, _Jarenna thought, taking in the sights in wonder. She had always wanted to walk down a pathway where sakura trees mingled together with golden ones, where she stepped on a carpet of leaves. It was a scene right out of her dreams, which were few and far between. She'd been cooped inside houses and dens for almost her entire life, and it was wonderful to be out during a time like this.

"Knew you'd like this," Sanosuke commented off-handedly. He was chewing on a fishbone this time; where he had gotten it, she had no idea.

Jarenna laughed, mildly impressed. "Arigato, Sanosuke-kun. I hadn't known you had an eye for scenery."

"I'd been raised on a farm, after all," he shrugged with a smile. "Observing the weather was imperative for growing crops. It's a nice day today, not too warm and not too cold."

"What do you grow?" she asked curiously. She had never met a farmer before, much less been in a farming area, since most of her life was being shuttled by slave traders, each of them more brutal than the last.

Sanosuke looked surprised at the question. He'd half-expected her to just nod and be silent, but obviously what he'd just said intrigued her. She was a strange one, all right. "Crops, of course. Rice, vegetables. We reared a few pigs and chickens, too. Why?"

"It's interesting," she admitted, looking thoughtful, her eyes taking on a faraway glaze yet again. "Growing your own food, eating the fruit of your labour…it must've been a wonderful feeling."

Now Sanosuke looked at her strangely. "Woman, have you gone off the deep end?"

She blinked at the brisk tone of his voice, then it struck her. Harada Sanosuke had always been particularly sensitive to the subject about farming, especially since farmers were considered people of low-class and he had been a farmer's son himself. _Kami-sama, how insensitive can I get? _She chided herself as she hurriedly bowed. "Gomenasai, Sanosuke-kun! If I offended you in any way, I offer my apologies. I just wanted to know what it was like working for your own food."

"Yes, that's it, actually. Why are you behaving like farming is a novel thing? Everyone knows that it's common. Hell, you get food from farmers selling their wares too, right?"

"Because I have never seen a farm before, much less a farmer working their fields," she replied quietly, her head bowed. "I just wanted to get a feel for what it's actually like. It's a noble thing, what farmers do. They could choose to keep all the food to themselves instead of sharing it with people, but they don't."

"Because they need the money."

"If no farmer wants to sell their hard-earned food, what good would money do? You can't eat money." She tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear as a small smile spread on her face, her good mood restored. "Maybe one day I shall be a farmer."

At this, Sanosuke had to laugh. "You don't even know the basics of farming, Jarenna-san! You are such an idealist, do you know that? Romanticizing everything you see!"

"It makes for better living."

He looked at her for a long moment. "It doesn't resuscitate you when you're dead."

At this, Jarenna had nothing to say. He was right, idealism was like a disease, blinding you to everything that's happening in the world, but without idealism, where would dreams be? Where would hope be? Ever since Okita-san had saved her, she was determined to live out the rest of her life to the fullest, and that stoic optimism had been a large part of her life since then. Life was too short to brood about things long gone, and she'd seen enough deaths to adhere to that statement. It might not be much, but at least it was something she could live by.

She was about to say something when Sanosuke suddenly said gruffly. "Gomen, Jarenna-san. I have been too harsh just now."

"Your words are not without truth, you know."

He smiled slightly. "Aa. But what can a mere woman do in the midst of all this chaos? Maybe it's better for you to keep living your own dream."

Jarenna smiled. "One life at a time, Sanosuke-kun. One life at a time."

"Nani?"

"I may not be able to fight off even half a dozen Ishin men, but I can help save lives. It's got to mean something."

"You've always got a theory for everything, Jarenna-san."

"Years of brooding will do that to you. It helps to keep you from going crazy."

He flashed her a roguish grin. "Aa. Unlike you, Jarenna-san, I very much prefer to beat the crap out of things. Idealism is just a waste of my time."

At that, she had to laugh. "Sou desu ka, Sanosuke-kun. Sou desu ka."

…

All in all, it was good fun. They'd spent two hours simply walking, and although Harada was bored out of his wits, much preferring to engage in a good fight or a good jug of sake, he endured it. He'd wanted to get to know her more, to see what made her tick. In short, chick stuff, and he'd realized what lay behind that diminutive exterior was someone who loved life and everything in it. Maybe it was the circumstances that made her so, he didn't know, but it was strange and refreshing at the same time.

And at least she had a brain. Most of the women he'd met didn't even seem to possess that vital organ.

"It's getting late, Sanosuke-kun. Shall we get going? Junko-san will kill me if I'm late again."

"Sure."

…

"Why does it always have to be me doing all the dirty work?" Kimiko muttered to herself as she scrubbed half-heartedly at the clothes, trying not to look at the large pile of dirty clothes beside her. It was extremely depressing, to say the least. She would must rather sweep up the leaves in the compound or do something meaningful, like look for Okita-sama or something, but not washing the kami-damned laundry. That was Jarenna's job!

She just couldn't get it, Junko had been angry with Jarenna last night for coming in late, but still let her out today? If it had been her, Junko would never even entertain the thought! It was just so frustrating. Was it her fault that she preferred lighter chores? She had her beauty to think about. What if her hands got too rough from doing such hard labour that no man would want her? What if Okita-sama was free now and she had just missed her chance to speak to him, to get to know him better?

__

It's all Jarenna's fault, she thought irritably. _Going out with guys when she was supposed to do work. This is NOT fair! Just because she's had a bad life before doesn't mean she gets special privileges! _She threw the still soapy garment to the floor with a growl, and then suddenly noted that it lay not too far away from a pair of familiar looking sandals.

Her mouth going dry, she drew her gaze upwards, her heart suddenly pounding in a mixture of excitement and surprise. It was Okita-sama!

"Hi there," the First Captain smiled brightly at the suddenly comatose looking young maid.

"Okita-sama!" she suddenly broke out in a sunny smile in response to his as she hurriedly picked up the garment she threw at his feet and hurriedly stuffed it into the washtub. "Gomen, I didn't see you there!"

"I'm sorry for surprising you, Kimiko-san."

At his words, her heart soared. He remembered her name! Nonetheless, Kimiko struggled to gather herself. "It's all right, Okita-sama. You wanted to ask me something?"

Okita glanced around him for a few moments, hesitating slightly. Kimiko watched him expectantly. Was he going to ask her out? Or even better, ask for her hand in marriage? She--

"Do you know where Jarenna-san is?"

__

What?? That question was not at all what Kimiko had expected. _Jarenna, Jarenna, Jarenna. Is there anyone in this kami-damned place who is not in love with her?! _ It took all she had to not grind her teeth. Here he was, the man of her dreams, and he was asking for someone else?? "Gomenasai, Okita-sama, she's not in at the moment. I'm not sure where she went."

"Oh." He shrugged. "It's all right, then." He turned to leave.

__

No, don't let him leave! Despite the circumstances, this scene was what she'd always wanted, her and Okita alone. Finally. "Is-is there something you want to ask her about? I can pass her the message if you like."

Okita shook his head. "Iie, it's fine." He took out a book. "I bought a book of poems for her. I thought she'd like it."

The green eyed monster within Kimiko flared up once again, and she fought to keep her temper down. It would do no good to throw a tantrum in front of Okita-sama, after all. Maybe, just maybe she could turn this to her advantage…

She let out a loud sigh and made a show of helplessness. "She always does this, you know. She leaves without telling anyone, and expects us to finish the job she's started. Sometimes I really don't know what goes through her mind." She paused again, seeing that she'd gotten his attention. _Well, it's too late to back out now. _"She's always going around chasing guys. I mean, she's got Takeda-sama and Harada-sama eating out of the palm of her hand already."

Okita paused. It was no secret that the two captains were hanging out with her more than usual, Takeda for kami-knew-what reason, and Harada because he'd expressed an interest in her, but Jarenna out chasing men? He barely saw her in their company, if never. But then again, he knew that Kimiko was her close friend, so maybe it had some grain of truth in it. "Oh?"

"Yes." She nodded as she stepped up, closer to him than usual. "You have to be careful of her, Okita-sama. Just because she looks harmless doesn't mean she really is. She's the most scheming person around, making everyone like her then move to someone else." She paused, then looked straight into Okita's eyes. They were so close…just a few more inches, and she would know if his lips felt as soft as they looked…"She's got her eye set on you, Okita-san. Why else she is so nice to you then? She's never nice to anyone whose help she doesn't need. Look at me! When she decided that she'd used me to get enough attention, she dumps these chores to me and goes out cavorting with other men! You'll be her next victim if you're not careful."

Something nagged at the back of his mind, and he frowned momentarily, taking in her words. Jarenna didn't seem like the sort of person to him, but maybe looks could be deceiving. But…

"Kimiko-san?" his voice was as pleasant as usual, but they had lost a bit of their warmth.

"Yes?" she looked at him almost immediately, her expression expectant. Maybe he'd changed his mind about her, then?

"Are you Jarenna's friend?"

She laughed slightly, not really knowing what he was getting at. "We're more like sisters, really. Which is why I'm telling you all this."

"Funny," he said, his voice measured as he stepped back slightly, putting distance between them. "Aren't sisters supposed to stick up for each other instead of spreading rumors about them behind their backs?"

Kimiko flinched at his words. _Great, how am I supposed to get out of this?_

She didn't have to think too hard, because at the very moment, Jarenna and Sanosuke walked in the door, laughing and talking, looking very much like a couple. And in that instant, everyone, save for Kimiko, froze.

On one end stood Jarenna and Sanosuke, and on the other, looking as if they were just about to get intimate, was Okita and Kimiko. It was no surprise that in that moment, terrible misunderstandings spawned in both Jarenna's and Okita's minds as they both stared at each other as the world fell away around them, both not knowing what to think, or how to react.

He recovered first. "Jarenna-san. Sano-san."

"Okita-san."

A strange new prickling feeling of discomfort worked through the two of them as they regarded each other and their 'partner', but neither could put a name to that feeling.

"Oi, Souji!!" Harada called out, pleasantly surprised. Apparently they'd just stepped in on something they weren't supposed to, and if he had not seen it, Harada wouldn't have thought that Okita had a thing for the Kiriko girl. Well, now that his friend was here, maybe he could gather a few others and go out for sake or something. The man looked kind of dazed, come to think of it. Shaking his head, Harada went over to his friend and clapped him on the shoulder. "Come on, man, time to leave the girls to their work. I feel an urge for sake coming on." As he walked past Jarenna, he grinned and winked. "It's been a good time, Jarenna-san. I'll see you later!"

She bowed slightly, struggling to get her bearings. "H-hai."

Okita said nothing as he and Sanosuke made their way out. Jarenna did not look up once.

…

There was no other word to describe Jarenna's current feelings than terrible. She felt terrible, and for the most part, she didn't really know why. It was awful seeing Okita and Kimiko standing so close together, a sour, stinging feeling pricked at her, and try as she might, she could not get rid of it. And then there was Sanosuke. She had been overcome by a sudden urge to try to explain everything to Okita, but a small voice at the back of her mind had wondered _what for?_ It wasn't as if he was special to her or anything, right? Chances are he wouldn't even be interested in her explanation, that Kimiko was who he was interested in, and that thought stung and confused her the most. She'd never felt that way before, a myriad of confusing feelings that knocked her off balance. She didn't understand. How could the sight of Kimiko and Okita disturb her so much? Hadn't she once thought that the two of them would make a cute couple? Hadn't she always thought that Kimiko and Okita would end up being husband and wife after all? So why did the sight of them together make her feel so bad?

"Jarenna-san? Jarenna-san, they're gone." Kimiko was gazing at her oddly, with an unreadable expression in her eyes. She looked…almost happy, but before Jarenna could full register the expression of her face, the other girl had turned towards the laundry basket and sighed. "Hey, Jarenna-san, do you think you can do the laundry? I'm tired." She yawned for good effect.

For a moment, Jarenna wanted to snap at her, to wipe that smug smile from her face, but then she realized that Kimiko had loved Okita for almost her whole life, and who was she to come between the two of them? Feeling a surge of guilt that she'd felt that way towards her good friend, Jarenna simply nodded. "All right." She took a breath. She had to say something. _Anything._

Mustering a smile, she nodded toward the door. "So, you're with Okita-san? You two looked cosy."

Kimiko shrugged. "You can say that. He's even better looking up close, you know."

Jarenna felt as if her face was cracking from the smile on her face. "Well, I hope things work out between you and him. He's a good person."

"I know," Kimiko grinned as she headed. "Thanks, Jarenna-san. I really need my beauty sleep."

As the door shut behind her friend, Jarenna started work on the laundry, dumping the badly-done clothes back into the bucket. Well, at least she had something to do. It would help her take her mind off things for the moment. Especially things as complicated and confusing as these.

…

What in kami's name is wrong with me? Okita wondered as he, Sano-san, Saito-san, and Nagakura-san made their way into a teahouse. For once, he wasn't paying any attention to his surroundings. Rather, he was thinking about the scene earlier, when Sano-san and Jarenna-san entered the kitchen together.

For some reason, that thought really disturbed him. Sano-san was a well-known playboy, going through women like he went through his clothes, and it irked him to think that Jarenna would be one of them.

He accepted a sake cup, his thoughts still elsewhere. The sudden flare of anger when he saw those two together had surprised him greatly; he'd never really felt that angry about anything before, but then it melted away into a nagging kind of doubt that settled at the back of his mind. When they were staring at each other and he'd looked into her eyes, he'd felt another kind of feeling. It was some kind of guilt mixed with longing. He knew very well how Kimiko's and his position would look to the two of them, especially since Sano-san had teased him nonstop all the way to the teahouse, and he felt a strange compulsion to try to explain things, how he thought he would surprise her with a book he'd found when he was off-duty, and how she would like it, having being an avid reader…

Unbidden, Kimiko's words wafted to the surface, reminding him of the conversation they'd had just a few moments before Jarenna entered._ Just because she looks harmless doesn't mean she really is. She's the most scheming person around, making everyone like her then move to someone else._

Is she really like that? He wondered, downing his sake in one gulp and drawing surprised glances from all of them, even the normally unflappable Saito-san. He didn't want to know if Jarenna was as bad as Kimiko made her out to be, but from what he'd seen…

"How is Takagi-san, Saito-san?" Harada asked after a few moments.

"I've never even seen her."

"Thought you two were seeing each other?"

"Ahou, the Daimyo of Aizu brought me to see her _father_. Not her."

Shinpachi laughed. "Sanosuke-san, you really need to have your ears checked."

"His brain too, if he has any." Saito muttered.

"Oi, Souji, you all right? You look off." Sanosuke asked, ignoring his comrade's last comment. Okita had never downed sake the way he did tonight.

"I'm fine," he said shortly as he poured another cup and downed it.

"Look, I'm sorry we walked in on you, all right? How would we know you'd be having a hot and heavy session with that Kiriko girl?"

Shinpachi looked curious. "You're having a fling with the maid?"

"Nothing of that sort." The First Captain shook his head, then managed a smile he definitely did not feel. "Kimiko doesn't seem like my type, ne? I just feel a little…troubled today." He didn't look once in Saito-san's direction--the man's piercing amber orbs always saw through everything, and he wasn't in the mood to have his problems spelt out in front of his friends. Especially since he didn't know, exactly, what his problem was. He knew that Jarenna was just a friend, and it unsettled him that that earlier scene disturbed him so much. Was he…jealous?

__

For the love of Kami, I don't want to know. For now, he just wanted to drink. Things were getting a little too complicated right now, and he hated that. Why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't _anything _ever be simple?

"Ahou," Saito said simply as Okita poured himself another cup. "Don't be in such a hurry to drink yourself unconscious."

"Why would you care, Saito-san?"

"Because I don't want to have to drag you back later." He paused and glanced at his friend over the sake cup even as Sanosuke and Shinpachi engaged in some kind of guessing game. "Drinking like an ahou will not make your problems go away."

Okita laughed. "What makes you think I have problems? I just feel like drinking tonight."

Saito rolled his eyes. Okita could be such an idiot sometimes. "You can't fool me, Okita. What's the matter with you?"

For a moment, Okita considered confiding in his friend, because if there was one thing Saito-san was, it was brutally straightforward. Maybe he would have the answers…but then again, judging from the look on Saito-san's face, it probably wasn't a very good idea to tell him about his problem now. The Third Squad Captain looked to be in a murderous mood, and probably would not take kindly a problem that did not involve his katana or killing. He shook his head and chuckled. "Just drink up, Saito-san. I have a feeling that before dawn, more Ishin carcasses will be strewn about town."

"Aa."

…

The predawn silence of the morning soothed Jarenna as she pulled a warm haori over her kimono. There was still a couple of weeks more to go before autumn set in, but it seemed like the season wanted to enter sooner. Even the sakura blossoms of the trees had started falling already.

The stillness of the kitchen got to her. She had gotten used to Okita's presence, and now that he was absent…_he doesn't really have a reason to be here anymore, does he? He's got Kimiko to occupy his time now._

Fighting down a strange twinge of bitterness at the thought, she hurriedly set the kettle to boil. It was a couple of hours before any of the maids woke up, but waking at this time had already become a habit.

"Good morning, Jarenna-san."

Jarenna jumped at the voice, startled.

Standing at the doorway in his blood-spattered Shinsengumi uniform was Okita Souji, an ever-present smile on his face. "Okita-san! Good morning." She frowned slightly as she took him in. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine. We took care of a gang of bandits, that's all."

A awkward silence filled the kitchen before Jarenna spoke, "Um…I'll get you some water to wash up."

"Iie, it's all right. I'll be going up soon." He didn't really want to watch the sunrise. It always reminded him of her. He reached into the hem of his haori and took out the book of poems. "Here. This is for you."

"What is it?" Jarenna asked curiously as she accepted the book. The cover was plain, but from the look of the pages, it was well-written on.

"You'll like it."

Jarenna smiled and bowed slightly, holding the book as if it was a precious artifact. "Arigato, Okita-san."

Okita nodded and turned to leave, and for a wild moment, Jarenna wanted him to stay. To watch the sunrise with her once more. She didn't know why, but she wanted him to just sit with her, to just…be with her, even for just a few minutes, because she missed him and the quiet times they spent together. "Okita-san?"

But when he turned around, her words were lodged in her throat. It was wrong somehow, asking him to stay. He had Kimiko now; he wouldn't be interested in her.

"Yes?" his voice was gentle and soft, and she felt the gnawing ache within her once more.

Silently cursing herself for her cowardice, she turned away. "T-take care of yourself, Okita-san."

She felt his eyes on her once more, and staunchly refused to look into them, because if she did, she would be lost. But if Jarenna had looked up a moment earlier before the door slid shut behind him, she would've caught a glimpse of his disappointed face.

It seems that Fate, indeed, has other things in store for them.

…

The current situation in the Shinsengumi was tense at best. There were rumors that Ito Kashitarou, the military advisor to the Shinsengumi, had been very unhappy over the fact that Hijikata had ordered Yamanami to commit seppuku, and had even sent Okita to retrieve him--in other words, hunt him down. There seemed to be a growing rift between some of the members--at least from what Jarenna had observed. It was not good. A few of the other maids were worried that there might be a bloodbath within the compound itself, which actually, would not be such a leap of logic considering the tension that lay over everyone in here.

"What do you think, Junko-san?" Jarenna asked the older woman one day. She'd overseen the entire group ever since their days in Mibu, so Jarenna was pretty sure that the woman would have some idea on what would most likely happen. Or something.

Junko sighed as she hung out the washing with Jarenna's help. "I really don't know, Jarenna-san. It's the first time I've seen something like this. I guess with many more people in the Shinsengumi, many differences are bound to arise. Hijikata, though he is sometimes extreme, is a good man. He had no choice but to uphold the law. It's a pity no one ever sees that. All they see is a demon."

"People see what he lets them see, Junko-san," Jarenna said idly, remembering the time Okita had cried. She wondered if Hijikata, in the privacy of his own room, cried over that, too. And if he did, who was there to comfort him? Was there anyone at all?

"Enough of those topics. I hardly see you anywhere without that poem book of yours these days." There was a knowing glint in the older woman's eyes.

Jarenna flushed a slight pink, and her hand immediately went to the book she'd tucked into the bosom of her kimono. She went nowhere without the book, and had spent every free minute poring through it. For the most part, the poems and haikus were beautiful, and for another thing, it was something Okita had given to her, and for that alone, it was pretty much a treasured item. "It's a gift. From a friend."

"From Okita-sama?"

She blinked, surprised. "How did you know?"

Junko smiled mysteriously. "I have my sources, child. The way you handle it, it definitely would not come from someone else."

"It's-it's a good book." Jarenna replied, trying to explain.

"From someone you love." Junko said agreeably. "And don't look so surprised. I've seen enough people in love to know what they're like."

Jarenna averted her gaze and turned her attention to the clothes, adjusting them so they could dry faster. "Okita-san's just a friend, Junko-san. Nothing more."

"Oh?" she raised an eyebrow. "So what were those early mornings all about?"

"You know about them?"

"There's nothing going on in this place that I don't know, Jarenna." She paused and watched the younger girl carefully. "You love him, don't you?"

"I--" Did she really? She didn't know. She knew that she had a huge crush on him, but love? She couldn't, because Kimiko obviously loved him more than she did. So…there shouldn't be a rule about it or something? With a sigh, she shook her head hopelessly. "I don't know. I don't even know what love is."

"Most people don't until it happens to them. Love is not made of rules, it's instinct, girl. Do you think anyone really knows what love is?"

She frowned. Then what were those romance books for? She'd seen them around a few times, and had been wanting to actually buy one of them to see what it contained, but hadn't really gotten around to doing it. "Don't they?"

"Of course not." She laughed. "I was like you once. In love with a samurai. He asked me to marry him before he left, but I hesitated. He left, and I never saw him since. I found out too late that I was in love with him."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"What for?" she waved it away dismissively. "It's long past. I'll see him up there in heaven one day, so no use moping around until then."

Jarenna gazed at her in amazement. She had never realized that there was another side to Junko that she had not known about. Inside that hard, brisk exterior lay a woman who had missed her chance for a happy life with the man she loved, and was strong enough to go on without him.

"See what I mean, Jarenna-san? Seize the day. If you think you love someone, tell them. Before they never come back. Who cares what other people think?"

"But what if there's someone else in love with him? And who loves him more?" she blurted before thinking. This particular question was killing her.

"Jarenna," Junko said seriously. "If love worked on merit, or on who loved who more, it won't be love anymore, would it? Love's instinct, not law. It does not work according to what we want it to do. It just happens. And when it does, it's unstoppable. No one can stop the wind or the rain, ne? It's all the same, really."

Jarenna thought about that for a moment. It all made sense, in a strange way she did not yet understand. So…was she in love with Okita?

__

Maybe, she decided. _Just…maybe._

…

..

.

A/N: Hmm, the proverbial pivotal point in the story, methinks. Who do you think Jarenna should go for, though? I'm still busy making a choice, 'cause the two of them are equally fine. winks Apologies if some things are not exactly…accurate. And once more, my thanks go out to those people who read and reviewed my story. You guys give me the motivation to actually write on, man. So cheers! I really love you all!

…

..

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Alice: Yep, Saito and Tokio will be coming in the next chapter, so hang on for that, 'cause it's gonna be real interesting, haha.

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Zuzumi: Hey there! Thanks for reviewing my last chapter, lol. Really appreciated it, and I keep messing up OVA and OAV. Gosh I'm such a moron sometimes…I caught Peacemaker Kurogane, and damn, why the heck did Okita have to be so girly? Saito in there is cute, too, though. Bwahahahaha. Have you seen it? He talks to dead people.

And yeah, you're right, Kimiko DOES have something planned, but then again, she is just a girl, albeit a spoilt one. Anyone would get jealous seeing their longtime love pay more attention to someone else, especially since that someone is one you consider somewhat…lower than you. Sigh…I like her a lot, though. She's crafted in the image of someone I know.

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Omanyte-chan: Hey, thanks for the very encouraging words. To be honest, the name Kimiko just sprang to mind, so I added it in. I'm really glad you like my work, and yeah, I guess the Kaoru/Kenshin pairing gets the most attention, haha, though no offense, but I'm sick of reading about them. Ah well. :D And my fic is unique? No one's ever said that before, lol. Thanks so much!! I hope you like this chapter as much as I loved writing it!


	6. Everything

A/N: This is only a mild PMK crossover, as I only used the characters from there. The events not in sequence, so PMK lovers, please forgive me. Read on! Oh, and my mistake, Okita is 19 in here. In this story, the incident at the Ikedaya has not yet happened, and Yamanami is already dead. From what I could glean from historical records, I could only assume that Yamanami was already dead before the Ikedaya incident. I might be wrong, but it doesn't really matter, ne? Anyway, enjoy!

"Soujiro! Soujiro! Come play ball with us!"

The raucous cheers of both girls and boys alike reached Jarenna's ears first before she ever saw them, and for a second, she hesitated, briefly wondering if she should appear at all. It would not really be proper, after all.

__

But it's good manners to at least say thank you for the gift, isn't it? It's not like I'll throw myself at him or something. Besides, she had another thing to do, too.

Absently, she patted the still warm bento box, and hoped that it would be enough for two hungry people. It wasn't much, but it was something.

…

Okita sensed her presence before she even appeared, and in his momentary distraction, the rubber ball bounced smartly off his head, and the groans of the children came soon after. "Itai!"

"Soujiro! What are you doing?!" Taro demanded as Okita picked up the ball apologetically. "You spoilt the pattern!"

"Gomen, gomen, Taro-chan. Let's begin another round after we meet Yukijurou nee-san, okay?"

Tamiya and the girls perked up immediately. "Snow Angel?"

He looked down at them, unable to keep a genuine smile from creeping across his face. Despite himself, he'd been quite looking forward to seeing her again. No matter what the circumstances, she was always a welcome distraction. A distraction who, unlike any other, had given him peace.

__

She wore her hair loose today, he thought, watching as she came towards them, a package in hand. Ebony hair, a rich chocolate brown in the light, flowed over slender shoulders and framed a china doll-like face, making the flecks of green in her exotic hazel eyes stand out even more. He'd always liked her eyes--they never could hide anything from anyone. Her kimono was plain and unimpressive, but it only seemed to make her look all the more attractive.

"Snow Angel!" Tamiya broke away from Okita's gentle grasp and scampered towards Jarenna, who knelt to accommodate her height even as the little girl threw her arms around her neck. He saw the surprise and pleasure on her face for a moment before she hugged the girl back, her laughter warming his soul.

__

It's been a while since I've heard Jarenna laugh. He watched as she gave a package to Tamiya and said something softly to her, of which the kid took it eagerly and bestowed her with another enthusiastic bear hug. He pushed away all of Kimiko's warnings; they sounded empty and hollow in Jarenna's presence. It just wasn't possible for Jarenna to be that double-faced, could she?

Tamiya then turned to the others, her eyes shining as she shouted. "Bye, Soujiro! I've got to bring something to my kaa-chan! See you tomorrow, ne?"

Okita laughed and waved back. "Hai, Tami-chan. I'll be here tomorrow!"

"Ne, Soujiro, is she your girlfriend, then?" Taro tugged at his sleeve and looked up at him questioningly.

"Iie, Taro-chan." Okita replied, caught off guard by the sudden question. "Why do you say that?"

"Because my tou-san's got the same look in his eyes whenever he looks at my kaa-san." The small boy shuddered. "Parents shouldn't be allowed to do that."

Okita patted his head affectionately. "You'll understand when you're older, Taro-chan."

"They always say that! I'm six! I'm old enough to know stuff!"

"Not nearly old enough, Taro-chan. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for a little while longer."

…

Jarenna took out a small handkerchief-wrapped package from her kimono sleeve and unfolded it in her palm, revealing brightly colored sweets. "Thought you all would like this," she said with a warm smile. "But I'm sorry, you guys can only have one each, all right?"

What followed next was a mini pushing-shoving session as the children impatiently reached for one of the things their lives currently revolved around.

"Arigato, Yukijurou-nee!"

…

"I hope I hadn't disturbed you earlier," Jarenna said as the last of the children scampered off home. She'd had had a lot of fun playing with them. It was a wonderful feeling, mixing with them. She'd never really had childhood friends before, though she faintly remembered that she had a sister who'd played with her before…well, before.

Jarenna didn't really look at him. Although he seemed perfectly happy, she was worried that she'd crashed in on something personal. She knew that Okita Souji enjoyed the time he had with the children very much, because it was the only time he could truly ever be relaxed, and so she didn't know how it would be if another adult appeared, reminding him of the life he was in now.

"You weren't. The children loved you." He smiled slightly. They were standing together, the distance between them closer than strangers, but farther than friends. He knew the awkwardness between them had not been totally dispelled, and he hated that. If nothing else, he found himself wanting it to be back to what it was back then between them, comfortable and free of discomfort. He did not know what, exactly, had changed, but he disliked it nonetheless.

A long pause stretched between them, fraught with words each wanted to say to the other, but had found no solid ground to bring it up on. Jarenna fidgeted for a moment before taking a breath. "I…I just wanted to thank you for the book."

He acknowledged the thanks with a nod, suddenly remembering the time when, in a bid to cheer Tetsu up, he'd nicked Hijikata-san's haiku book and led him on a merry chase around the Mibu village. Twenty four times. Kami he'd gotten a serious tongue lashing for that, but it was fun, and at least Tetsu had regained his usual cheerful disposition. Thinking of the crazed look on the Oni no Fukuchou's face made him laugh out loud; it was so amusing.

Jarenna glanced over at him, startled at the sudden laughter that issued from him. "Okita-san?"

"Oh, you weren't with us then." He replied as he related the story to her and quoted a few of Hijikata-san's laughably pathetic haiku pieces, trying valiantly to stifle his laughter. When he was done, she was already laughing, too, her eyes alight with amusement.

"Oh, I wish I could've seen that! You actually got Tetsu-kun in trouble?"

"All in the name of making him feel better, I assure you," he said good-naturedly as she giggled, noting that the tenseness of the atmosphere had disappeared almost instantly. _Does that mean that we're back to being friends now? _If it was, then why did he feel like kissing her?

Again?

"You do have a strange sense of humor, Okita-san," she told him after a moment, her eyes sparkling with warmth.

He waved it away. "Aa, that's what most people tell me. But at least I made you laugh, ne?" his voice softened involuntarily. "You should do it more often. It suits you."

Jarenna blinked at his sudden unexpected change in tone, but she couldn't really see his face as he was looking away from her. And for another matter, she didn't really know what to say to that. Ducking her head slightly, she felt a sense of wistfulness slide through her. Here he was, walking next to her, and she knew she would never want to be anywhere else in the world right now, because no one had ever made her feel the way she did when she was with him.

A faint flush worked up her cheeks as she absently murmured. "Sou desu ne? No one's ever told me that before."

At her words, Okita felt a pang of sadness shoot through his heart. Like him, she had her childhood taken away from her, and to add to that, he knew she'd faced numerous hellish situations shortly after that, but the simple things, the little things of joy she had never experienced struck him the most. She did not deserve the life she'd once had, the nightmares she now had to live through.

In more ways than one, she was just like him.

"Well," Okita said, forcing a laugh and trying to lighten the situation once more. "I've told you that, so it's not 'no one' anymore, ne?"

She smiled in return. "Hai, Okita-san. Arigato."

He wagged a reproachful finger in her face. "Now, now, Yukijurou-san. No more of that 'arigato' nonsense. Friends don't have to say it to each other for every little thing."

He found himself liking the look of surprise that crossed her features at that moment before they melted into a genuine smile and a genteel nod.

"Besides," he spoke, his voice quiet. "It is I who should thank you."

Jarenna looked mildly perplexed. "Why?"

"Because you're the only one who can give me peace."

__

What? Before she could respond, she felt him clasp her wrist to stop her walking, and before she knew it, his face was so close to hers she could see into his soft violet depths. Startled, she tried to move away, but it just wasn't possible. And a huge part of her didn't want to. "I--" The rest of her words--and her senses--were taken away as she felt his lips press against hers.

Stunned, her eyes widened, but it obviously was not some kind of accident or anything, as the hold on her wrist tightened ever so slightly. She felt his lips probe against hers, and in that moment, all she could think of, all she could feel, was him as her eyes fluttered shut. It was a wonderful feeling, and the kiss was gentle. He did not touch her anywhere else, nor did she touch him.

The scent of summer roses was intoxicating, as was the softness against his mouth. Sparks went off in his brain and travelled rapidly southward, but Okita resisted. She wasn't pushing him away, and was even responding to him, albeit a little hesitantly, and he felt his heart soar. Did she feel for him the same way he felt for her, then?

It was only his sense of propriety that he did not move to explore her mouth--they were in public after all, and he didn't know how she would possibly react to that.

He got his answer soon enough, when he felt hands pushing against his chest. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the abject shock and horror in her eyes, the two reactions he had not expected to see.

"Okita-san--!!" Her hand immediately flew to her mouth. What in Kami's name had she been thinking?Kiriko and him were together, for crying out loud! And here she was, kissing him and enjoying it…a flare of guilt and self-disgust rose within her, overwhelming in their intensity. _What kind of a person am I? I just promised myself not to throw myself at him, and now…Now…Oh, Kami-sama. What's Okita-san going to think of me now??_

Okita, on the other hand, was having very different thoughts, misunderstanding her expression as he took a step back, giving her space and feeling his heart sink. His mind returned to when he'd seen Jarenna and Sano-san enter the kitchen together, looking very much like a couple. Of course, they were a couple! Sanosuke had expressed his attraction to her a few times, and it seemed like she returned his affections, and here he was, taking advantage of her!

__

Ahou, he thought furiously, feeling a sharp pang shoot through his heart. _What the hell were you thinking?!_

This was his friend's woman, and he knew himself better than that. But it had been so easy to reach over and kiss her, losing his self- control in the process, and it was infuriating. It had _never_ happened to him before.

But then again, he'd never been overcome by a strong feeling to kiss someone before. The overwhelming emotions he'd felt in those precious few moments frightened him, yet intoxicated him nonetheless, sweeping him away in a wave that made him yearn lose himself in her…

And Jarenna, sweet, innocent Jarenna, what would she think of him?

Closing his eyes to shut the pain out--the pain in knowing that Jarenna was already taken--he bowed. "I am very sorry, Jarenna-san. I have behaved inappropriately. I will not do it again."

She did not know how to react to that. This was all her fault, so why was he taking the blame? "I-Iie, Okita-san. I-I…Gomenasai. I have to go."

He didn't stop her as she hurried away, blinking back the sudden tears in her eyes. _He called me Jarenna-san. Not Yukijurou-san. Jarenna-san. For the second time, he said my name. _He'd only spoke her first name once, when he saw her and Sanosuke-kun, and when she saw through the concealed shock in his eyes. But there was nothing she could do about it. There was nothing she would allow herself to do, because she knew, in that terrible moment, that she was already deeply in love with him.

And there was nothing she could ever do about it.

She would not allow herself to look back as she felt an unfamiliar, yet piercing pain shoot through her heart, threatening to break her emotionally. _Okita-san belongs to Kimiko. She deserves him. I don't. I don't. I'm sorry, Okita-san. I'm so sorry…_

His shoulders slumped slightly, the First Captain stood where he was and watched her leave.

He stood there and watched until there was nothing left to see.

…

"Oii, Jarenna-san! Tadaima!!"

Jarenna looked up from her sweeping in surprise as she saw an all-too-familiar figure bounding in through the front gates. Hijikata had sent him a few weeks earlier on an errand and also as a way for him to get over the grief of Yamanami's death, who had struck him particularly hard, and she was heartened to see him look so happy and energetic once more. She liked the boy, and it pained her to see him sad.

Her worries momentarily forgotten, she straightened and beamed. "Okaerinasai, Tetsu-kun!"

The fifteen year old--though he looked like he was twelve--bounced in and laughed. "I hope you cooked an extra large portion of food for me today, Jarenna-san! I missed the food!"

Jarenna laughed and patted his head. "Hai, hai! I knew you were coming back today, so I made your favorite dishes. Now go and report to Hijikata-sama and clean up. Dinner will be served in two hours' time."

Well, two hours was just a technicality, because none of them kept the exact time, appearing at least an hour before dinner was officially ready. Most of them being the Comedian Three, Harada, Nagakura, and Toudou. They were notorious for their bottomless pit stomachs, and even Junko-san was hard-pressed to keep them full.

"Ne…" Tetsu cocked his head to the side and studied his friend closely. She looked strange today. "Jarenna-san, you look really sad today." He frowned. "Did anyone bully you?"

Jarenna looked up, surprised at the boy's perceptiveness. Was it really that obvious? "Iie! It's just that…" she hesitated, searching for words. "I…never mind."

Now he knew something was _really _wrong. Jarenna-san had never looked like that before, like someone close to her had died or something. And she had never stopped halfway in telling him reasons. Tetsu frowned. "Jarenna-san?"

He was about to say something more when something small, pink, and utterly evil leapt at him, bent on attacking his face. "BUKI!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ARGH!!!! DAMN PIG!!!!"

…

It was deep in the night; and one of those rare nights where Okita had been off-duty. Saizou snored contentedly on the tiny futon beside him, his curly pink tail twitching occasionally. He had to smile at the sight; his beloved little pig had been the cause of many little troubles lately, and it was good to see him so peaceful. Well, at least one of them was peaceful that night.

Idly, he picked up one of his books and flipped through them, then put them down again with a sigh. They held no interest for him tonight.

Opening the shoji door to let some fresh air in, he lit a lantern and made his way to sit on the porch and surveyed the serene surroundings. The lawn before him was kept beautifully, and even now moonlight was bathing the entire scenery in its silver glow, making it look all the more surreal.

__

I wonder if Yukijurou-san is still asleep, he mused absently as he picked up the sleeping pig and laid it on his lap, stroking him lovingly. _And if she is, what would she be dreaming about?_

Unbidden, her shocked face wafted into his mind again, and he winced inwardly. He'd done something unforgivable, coming on to her like that, and that look in her eyes…

That look almost broke his heart.

"What was I thinking?!" he murmured angrily to himself, his fist clenching by his side. He was nothing more than a killer. A murderer. She was not, and she deserved better than him. _Who am I to even touch her? _She was miles out of his league, and he knew, no matter how similar they seemed to be, they would never be compatible. He had blood on his hands, the blood of countless people he'd slain in cold blood, and she…

He knew she would never understand why he had to kill. He flashed back to where he found her, huddled and whimpering like a whipped puppy in a pile of garbage, and those eyes when he killed her masters in front of her. Those wide, terrified eyes.

It burned into him with an intensity that he'd never known.

Okita knew, if he ever revealed that side of him to her again, she would be gone from him forever, the trust in her eyes would be changed to fear. He would no longer be someone she could love.

__

She deserves someone else. Anyone else other than me. Even Harada seemed for suitable for her compared to him.

At least he made her happy.

But if that was true, then why couldn't he bring himself to believe it?

Find me here and speak to me

I want to feel you near, I need to hear you

You are the light

That's leading me, to the place where I find peace again

He closed his eyes, willing the dull ache that had settled within his heart to go away. He'd had had enough. If Jarenna had only wanted to be his friend, then so be it.

__

So be it…

"You didn't appear for dinner tonight," The voice he found himself longing to hear spoke softly.

His eyes flew open in surprise and he looked up, to see Jarenna standing not too far away from him. _How could she get so close without me sensing her? _He must've been more than a little preoccupied tonight.

She was dressed in a light blue kimono, her hair loose around her shoulders. In the soft, golden light of the lantern, she seemed to glow, her eyes soft and sparkling. She wore a faint smile on her pink lips that made her look all the more beautiful. "I came to see if you were hungry. Would you like me to fix you something?"

__

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose,

You're everything to me.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

"Iie." It was all he could bring himself to say at the moment. After a pause, he asked. "What are you doing up so late at night?"

"I couldn't sleep." Her answer was simple as she sat down on the porch next to him. Her doe-brown eyes caught his own and held him in. "So I came to see you."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason?"

The First Squad Captain honestly found nothing to say to that. But then again, sometimes words were not needed. He looked out into the lawn again, trying hard to keep his sudden roiling emotions under strict control. He stiffened slightly as she rested her head against his shoulder, a welcome weight against him, but relaxed when she made no move to move away.

You calm the storms and you gave me rest

You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall

You still my heart, and you take my breath away

Would you take me in? Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

He felt his fist unclench slowly as he forced himself to relax, something that was not difficult to do after all. In her presence, he couldn't help but feel at peace. Maybe it was her, he didn't know. But all he knew now was that the dull ache that had been in his heart was eased. She was here now, and that was all that mattered.

Okita Souji closed his eyes, a faint smile easing across his lips. She was here now.

He felt her head lift, and she gazed at him quizzically. "Are you all right, Okita-san?"

He nodded. "Aa. I'm fine." And he meant it.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

'Cause you're all I want,

You're all I need,

You're everything, everything

On his lap, Saizou grunted and stirred, and Okita blinked, heart sinking when he realized that Jarenna was gone.

In fact, there had been no sign of her there at all. It had all been some kind of dream. Nonetheless, he caught the unmistakable scent of summer roses in the faint night breeze. He smiled a bittersweet smile and looked up at the full moon that seemed to beam down at him. Imagination or not, she had been here, and now, in the silence of the night, it was everything that mattered. _Oyasuminasai, Jarenna-san._

__

You're all I want,

You're all I need,

You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

A good few hundred meters away on almost the other side of the Shinsengumi compound, Jarenna, who was gazing out at the moon through her window, instinctively turned to see who had called her name. _Don't be silly, _she chastised herself as she settled back into her futon. _Who'd call you this late at night?_

With a sigh, she closed the window and went to sleep.

Above them, the moon shone brilliantly in the dark night amidst the twinkling stars.

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

…

Now with Tetsu back at the compound, things were so much easier. Of course, there was much more yelling from the general direction of Hijikata's office, but at least Jarenna had help. The new recruits had kept her busy for a good few days, what with the rushing around finding new futons, cleaning out unused rooms that took ages to properly clean…Kimiko had disappeared in the chaos, and Junko-san had given up searching for her, so now Jarenna had to do the work of two people. Which was, in the loosest term possible, backbreaking.

In the course of the entire morning, she'd cooked and helped wash the dishes, cleaned out three large rooms, did the laundry, and polished the dojo floors.

__

It's lucky that today's such a cool day, she thought absently, wiping her perspiration off with a handkerchief as she paused in her sweeping. If it had been summer, she'd have died of heatstroke already. Tetsu had helped her with a bunch of things before Hijikata called him in, and now he was off doing an errand. Well, at least after sweeping the floor, she only had to prepare lunch and she'd be free for the whole day.

"Buki!" Came the indignant yelp before something small and pink threw itself against her ankle, demanding attention. Okita-san would only be back late in the afternoon from patrolling, and it was obvious the pig was searching for a companion to while the time away.

"Not now, Saizou. I'm busy." she told the pig with a small smile. No matter how imperious it could get, she still loved it. Who didn't? Even Tetsu liked it, though Saizou always went out of his way to aggravate him.

"Bukibukibuki!" It insisted, bumping against her ankle a few more times. Apparently she was the last resort. It had been a while since she'd seen the pig, after all. Laughing lightly, she knelt down and patted the animal. "You're one insistent little guy, Saizou. How about this, let me finish my chores first, then I'll play with you, ne?"

It was almost as if the pig understood what she was saying as it trotted back out of the way and watched her sweep up the leaves, occasionally helping her clip one or two wayward ones. Then it followed her into the kitchen and waited patiently as she prepared the food for Akira-san to cook later.

Half an hour later, a softly singing Jarenna made her way out to the courtyard with Saizou snugly in her arms. She'd pulled back her hair in a simple ponytail because Saizou occasionally got very irritated when her hair spilled in front and would try to bite it, which was, most of the time, not exactly painless.

"Yo, Yukijurou-san!" Nagakura-san called out merrily as he walked with Toudou-san. Sanosuke-kun was nowhere in sight. "When's lunch?"

"It'll be at the same time, Nagakura-san. As always."

"Nani?" the diminutive redhead looked disappointed. "Damn, I'm hungry."

Toudou slapped his friend on the back and laughed. "You're like Sano-san, you're always hungry!"

Saizou growled.

"You could go to the kitchens and see if Akira-san has cooked anything yet. I suppose she's already--"

Before she could even finish her sentence, both men cheered and disappeared.

She looked down at the pig and shrugged. "Well, well, Saizou. Guess it's just you and me now."

…

A few moments later she was seated on the porch, Saizou and a book settled comfortably in her lap, and she was reading to him. It was the sad love story of the Weaving Maid Orihime and her husband, the Cowherd. Although they were deeply in love, the Emperor of Heaven had only allowed them one day a year to meet, and that day was named the Festival of Stars, Tanabata.

"It's very sad, ne, Saizou?" she sighed as she flipped through to another tale in the book halfheartedly, not paying any real attention to the pages. "You love someone deeply, but someone else prevents you from ever sharing that love. And you can't even say anything, because you know that in some way, they're right. And there's nothing you can ever do about it."

Saizou twitched and looked up at her. "Buki?"

"But then again," Jarenna's voice took on an optimistic tone. "At least she gets to share that love together with him once a year. I guess that has got to count for something." She arranged her lavender haori to cover Saizou a little more, since the weather was rapidly getting colder, and petted him absently, turning her attention back to another story in the book. "Look, Saizou, a story about a little pig and his brothers. Do you want to hear about it?"

Saizou perked up moments before the main doors opened, catching Jarenna's attention. She straightened when she saw Kimiko enter, her expression curiously apprehensive. "Kimiko-san?"

The younger girl jumped a mile in the air at the sound of her name, then she realized that it was only Jarenna. Heaving a sigh of relief, she said, trying to calm her racing heart. "Jarenna-san! Why'd you sit there for? You scared the heck out of me."

"I finished the chores, so I decided to come here and read." She replied with a small smile, then inclined her head. "Junko-san told me to tell you to go and see her."

__

Shimatta! Kimiko thought in alarm. _My chores! _She'd been so caught up with the meeting with her father's associate that she'd forgotten about that. Resigned to her fate, she slumped and shook her head. "That's all she said?"

"Hai."

"Is she mad at me?"

Jarenna frowned and thought for a moment. "Well…she's looked better."

"Arigato, Jarenna-san!" Muttering under her breath, Kimiko shook her head and bounded away. Better to face the music now than later. She had important things to do after that.

Jarenna watched her hurry away, wondering what the other girl had been doing the whole day. She looked frazzled and distracted, to say the least.

Not long after, the doors opened again, this time by the sentries that had been stationed outside, which meant that they were most likely guests or something. Standing up and gathering Saizou and her book, she moved to slip away when what she saw stunned her.

The visitors were visibly stunned, too, as they stood and stared at each other for a long moment, the only sound being that of the book falling to the ground from limp fingers.

Transfixed, Jarenna could only stare.

Into her own face.

…

..

.

A/N: A good cliffhanger, eh? So sorry I had to put this in, haha. But stay tuned for the next chapter, 'cause it's gonna be real interesting. Promise. Tell me what you think, though. I really love to hear from you!

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Jade eyed neko: Haha I'm happy you like this! I don't suppose Megumi would be in here at this time, though, 'cause she'd still be a kid in Aizu, ne?

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Cindy17: Yo, it's up! I hope you enjoyed it!

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Zuzumi: Heyyy! I'm so glad that you reviewed YET another chapter of my story! And yeah, Kimiko's a little nuts up there, ne? But jealousy can really make you do these sorts of things…I'm thinking Okita is already not too happy with her…I don't think Jarenna herself would be too happy with her, too, if she found out what was said behind her back.


	7. Stay With Me

Ohayo!!! Yes, it's me again, with a spankin' brand new update! Once more, many apologies for the confusing people inside. I had intended this to be an RK fic originally, but then I got hooked onto Peacemaker Kurogane, and voila, it changed! Sincerest apologies for the people who find this confusing, haha. This author is confused herself, too!

Now, to set the record straight. Everyone here is from PMK, but because I kinda killed off Yamanami in the "RK stage", it's gonna be done without him…

Oh, and this chapter contains mild lemon something I've attempted to write for the first time, so please be lenient, okay? You've been warned. Enjoy!

…

Doubt that the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love--William Shakespeare

…

..

.

To say that Junko had looked better would be a terrible understatement. If the older woman had rations of being pissed off, she would have used the next hundred years' up already. Kimiko grimaced as Junko listed down all the things she had to do, which included most of Jarenna's chores and her personal, very much hated one: feeding the animals and cleaning out their pens.

__

Kami-sama. .

She hated feeding the animals, mostly because of the stink, and now she was going to have to do it for a _week? _This was just too much.

"Junko-san," she started, trying very hard not to whine. "I just went out for a while. Surely there's no need for such a harsh--"

"You skipped out on us while we're at our busiest. You know that the new recruits are coming in today, and this is definitely NOT your FIRST TIME!!"

Kimiko flinched at the tone. _Uh-oh. Now she's really angry. _Nonetheless, she tried once more. Heck, you never know when miracles would happen, ne? "Junko-san, the animals--"

"Two weeks."

"EHHHHH???!"

She snapped, a vein in her forehead throbbing dangerously. "One more word from you, Kimiko, and you'll find your punishment doubled to four. NO MORE EXCUSES. I've let you off often enough."

With that, she strode out. Kimiko hung her head and sighed. Life definitely was NOT fair.

At all.

__

…

Chief Kondou looked interestedly from one face to the other very much later. "It's indeed a surprise, Takagi-kun. I have never expected things to turn out like this."

Takagi Kojuurou tore his eyes from his long-lost daughter, his face regaining his usual color. It had shocked him to see her here, of all places, and he noted that she looked well, although right now she just looked dazed. He could still barely believe his eyes, the daughter he'd sold all those years ago was right in front of him, still alive. He was impressed; it showed that the Takagi family had strong blood, after all. "Aa, Kondou-kun. I have missed her so."

Tokio was staring at the other girl too, a mixture of shock and delight on her face.

Takagi turned back to Jarenna, unable to keep pleasure from entering his voice. "Jarenna…it's been a long while."

She did not look at him, the side of her face curtained by dark hair. Her eyes were downcast, and she barely registered the words. She didn't want to listen. Her hands, clasped tightly in her lap, were shaking. Should she be angry? Happy?

She didn't know. When she'd been taken from her home, her masters had assured her that she'd been sold to them, spending countless of days laughing over how the great Takagi Kojuurou had sold her to them for almost no money at all, and that she was theirs to do as they pleased. Jarenna, a mere child of six then, had cried and refused to believe it, that her father would never abandon her, but it mostly always ended up with her being beaten to within an inch of her life. Little by little, it had cemented her belief that her father, indeed, had abandoned her and had left her alone to fend for herself.

And now that he was here, right in front of her, when he had disappeared from her life for the past 13 years, not even bothering to find her…in fact, he had not bothered to find her at all. It was just coincidence that they'd met. _He hadn't bothered to find me at all._

He wasn't there when they beat me up.

He wasn't there when I was treated just like an animal.

He wasn't there when they raped me…

He wasn't there.

"Takagi-san," Kondou nodded kindly at her. "You no longer have to bother with your duties anymore, now that you know who you really are--"

"Iie, Kondou-sama," Jarenna bowed deeply, shelving her fury and shock for the moment. "I am Yukijurou Jarenna, and if it pleases you, I shall continue my chores." she got to her feet and bowed once more as the whole room stared at her, shocked at her response. "May I be excused?"

Hijikata glanced from the almost angered look on Kojuurou's face, then to the quietly furious Jarenna, then exhaled from his pipe. "Aa. You may leave."

"Toshi." Kondou muttered under his breath as the girl left, sliding the shoji door silently behind her. What was he doing? This was her father, for Kami's sake, and he let the girl off?

"Hijikata-kun," Takagi started, confused and mildly irritated. "You let--"

"I have my reasons." Hijikata said shortly. He'd caught the calculative, almost predatory look he'd sent his so-called "beloved long-lost daughter" earlier, and it disgusted him. He had never liked the power-hungry man, and it irked him especially when it was established that all of his practices, although underhanded and ruthless, were all lawful. Slimy people such as he should not even be breathing, much less walking and talking.

But Matsudaira Katamori had especially stated that Takagi was to be treated well, and he had no choice but to obey.

He glanced at the woman who was about to be betrothed to his Third Squad Captain Saito Hajime. The two were identical, right down to the slightest detail, yet this woman was very much different from the other. Her ki was vibrant, almost bursting with energy, while the other was more…subdued. Haunted, even. And this woman did not have the perpetual sadness that lurked in the other's eyes.

"Father," Tokio said quickly in a tone that let Hijikata know that there had been no love lost between the two, glancing at the exit. "Excuse me."

Takagi looked mildly surprised, then nodded. "Aa. Don't go far."

…

__

Just when I thought I've finally settled down. When I've finally forgotten about my father…my family…when I could finally put that behind me and get on with my life… Her thoughts were in a whirl, angry and scared and confused. She didn't even know what to feel. Seeing her father once more had knocked her off balance. It hurt knowing that he had sold her to those brutal men, that he had never even bothered to look for her…it was his fault she'd been in hell. Indirectly, but all his, nonetheless.

He was responsible for the unnamable horrors he'd put her through.

Clenching her fists, she started running, stretching as far as her kimono would allow her to. She wanted to get away. From here, from everything. It was as if her nightmare had walked out of the darkness where it belonged and started stalking her once more, ready to pounce and devour her when she fell…Just when she thought she was already getting over the terrible time, the one monster who caused it appeared once more in her life…

A huge part of her wanted to storm back in to demand a reason and hurt him as much as he hurt her, but the other part simply just needed to run. To find a place where she could think, where she could feel past the fear and anger and hurt, where she could be assured that the world she's so painstakingly built back around her was not crumbling to pieces…

Blindly, she crashed headlong into someone coming from the opposite side, a flare of pain sparking in her face. She was about to quickly apologize and leave when an all-too-familiar voice spoke in surprise. "Yukijurou-san?"

Okita stared down at the heaving figure in his arms, everything else forgotten but his concern for her. It was obvious she had been running, but from what? Instinctively, his arms tightened around her. She recoiled with a yelp--as if she'd been burnt--but he only tightened his grip. Something had her running, and he was determined to know _who _it was. If it was someone bent on hurting her, he swore that someone would not live to see the next day.

"Jarenna." He didn't bother to affix anything else to that name.

She refused to look at him, whimpering softly as she fell almost limp against him, and he glanced around, urgently seeking whatever it was that made her behave so.

Nothing.

"Jarenna, what's wrong??" he asked, his heart racing. What in kami's name had happened to reduce her to this?!

She looked up at him, her normally calm eyes wild with emotions he'd never thought he'd see. She was angry and confused, so deep in whatever it was that she barely registered his presence. Filled with a sense of dread and fear for her, Okita shook her gently. "Jarenna! Jarenna, look at me!"

He heaved a silent sigh of relief as her eyes fell on him, recognizing him. They were so filled with pain, it made his heart hurt. "Jarenna, it's all right now. I'm here. What happened?"

She snapped to, and clung onto him desperately, that wild light entering her eyes once more as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Take me away, Souji! I don't want to be here. Take me away…onegai…Souji…"

Realizing that he could never get an answer out of her in this state, he simply nodded and did as she asked, letting go of her and taking her hand, which she gripped tightly--almost painfully--in her own. "Aa. Come with me."

They ran.

…

"Sasuga Shinsengumi Oni no Fukuchou."

Hijikata calmly shut the shoji door behind him and focused on the corner of the room, where the shadows were the darkest. The voice was sensual and distinctive, brimming with confidence and a hint of playfulness.

"Hisashiburi, Itoyanagi." With a flick of his wrist, he lit the lamp, lifting the shadows in the room. And right there, revealed to him, was a young woman no older than twenty. She was leaning casually against the wall, arms folded across her lavender kimono-clad chest. Rich ebony hair tumbled down her shoulders, defiant streaks of purple racing down her tresses. Her brilliant cerulean eyes were filled with wry humor as her scarlet lips curled in a faint smile at the pet name. "Weeping Willow?"

Hijikata watched her for a moment. Yes, she was just as he'd remembered. Exquisite, yet shrouded in mystery, she came and went as she wished, allowing no one to be her master. "What are you doing here?"

Pushing off from the wall, she sauntered towards him, her hips swaying seductively, taking pleasure in the way his eyes lingered on her form. Yes, it was obvious she still had an effect on him. She felt her blood race and her heartbeat quicken, and knew that he had the exact same effect on her as well. The top of her head barely reached his shoulder, and yet, it did not seem to faze her in the least. "It was mean, arranging for Takagi Kojuurou to pay you a visit knowing that his long-lost daughter is here."

"Aa," he agreed, calmly putting away his pipe, knowing that she didn't like the smoke. "It is not without reason. Kojuurou is just as I thought. A ruthless bastard."

She laughed softly, coming up so close to him she could feel his body heat, inflaming her senses, sparking off the passion that lay dormant since the last time she'd left him. _It's definitely been awhile. _"Yes, Hijikata-san. Just like you."

Hijikata stared down at her, a retort dying on his lips. _If you were anyone else, I would have you killed for that insult. _But that was the thing he admired about her. Tsukino Yanagi never lied. He leaned down, close enough to taste those tempting lips, wondering if it was still as sweet as he'd remembered. From this distance, it took all his iron control and discipline to prevent himself from pushing her to the floor and taking her the way he knew she liked. "You still haven't answered my question."

She took a slow step back, reluctance flashing in her eyes as she held out a crimson ring. "Got this off the head demon hiding in an old temple. His clan had been instrumental in gunning after Shinsengumi members. Was about to place a curse on the entire compound when I snapped his neck."

"With a wooden stake, I presume. It's one of your specialties, if I recall correctly." Hijikata replied, unfazed by what she'd just told him. It was one of those traits that made her keep coming back to him like a moth to a flame. He took everything in his stride, never losing his cool demeanor. Well, hardly ever, anyway. If she'd said the same thing to any other man, he would have lost it then and there.

She slipped the ring back into the hem of her kimono with a faint smile. "Iie. An axe. A girl's got to learn to improvise."

He allowed a tiny smirk to grace his lips, a special smile just for her. "I suppose I've got you to thank."

She brushed her fingers seductively across his lips, a tingle working down her spine at that simple touch. How could he have that effect on her even when _she _was the one who was touching _him?_ "What do you have in mind, lover?"

He cupped her cheek, rubbing her thumb over her lips, returning the favour. "The same thing you do. You would have been an asset to the Shinsengumi with your skills."

"You know me better than that," she purred huskily, leaning into his touch as she closed her eyes. "I don't kill people."

"Aa. It's a pity."

She smiled as she lay a gentle kiss on the palm of his hand. "It's a law that governs me."

He knew that. Unbidden, Souji's words slipped into his mind. The words he'd spoken when he finally allowed Tetsu into the Shinsengumi.

__

He resembles me? I believe he resembles 'someone else' more…

And, indeed, Souji was right. She was barely more than a girl, yet she stood alone against her legion of enemies with a confidence and courage that defined her very being. She fought a hopeless fight, and yet, she still carried on, day after day, until one day one of her enemies would be stronger than her, and cut her down, just like all her predecessors. This much he knew, for it was what she had told him before he'd taken her virginity all those years ago.

She sidled away from him and undid her obi knot casually, slipping her kimono off her shoulders. Beneath the kimono, she wore her customary black gear that left nothing to the imagination. Despite admiring her svelte form, he caught the faintest of catches in her movements and frowned.

Automatically, he moved to the cabinet and removed a box he kept for times like these. She'd been in here too many times for him to not be surprised. "Let me see it."

"It's all right. It's just a scratch." She said dismissively as he stood directly behind her.

His slate gray eyes darkened. "Don't make me repeat myself."

She sighed. She knew that tone all too well to defy him.

He waited patiently as she peeled off her outfit. He didn't miss the way she instinctively covered her front with the cloth, catching the momentary, uncharacteristic glimpse of modesty she had. It was in those moments that he saw through her soul. Beneath the tough warrior façade, the unwavering self-confidence, lay a person who did not possess any of those, and in that moment, he only saw a young woman, scarred by all the fighting, the constant battling.

And he loved her, because she was so much like him.

The slash that sliced down her back was nothing but. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his eyes flash as he said coldly. "You have a skewed idea of what a scratch is, Itoyanagi."

"I won't die from it." she replied coolly. He was always like this when he saw her wounds. The smoldering, dangerous man was gone, leaving a cold, cold man, with an overprotective streak to boot. Not a very good combination, to be honest.

He said nothing, and she suppressed a hiss as she felt something burn against her back. She continued, gritting her teeth against the pain. "There were seventeen of them. Injuries are bound to happen." There she went again, trying to explain herself to him. Tsukino Yanagi had never bothered to explain anything to anyone. She played by her own rules and moral code and cared nothing for those who associated themselves with her, but Hijikata… damn it.

__

I will not do it again.

It was a mantra she'd repeated many times, overused and obsolete, and she cursed herself for her weakness. Hated herself for coming back to him time after time, watching over him and making sure he came to no harm. But she reveled in the pleasure, of the life that her love for him brought to her. It allowed her something to live for, day after day.

"You killed them all."

"Yes."

The pressure against her back increased, showing his displeasure. "You should have had backup. Not charge in there like an idiot. Even the most amateur of fighters know that."

She bristled at the insult. "Slaying demons is my calling. I face death night after night; it doesn't scare me anymore."

Behind her, Hijikata made a curious sound, somewhere between a growl and a snort. Before she knew it, he spun her around to face him, and she registered the feral light in his eyes, yet his voice was calm. "You are a fool."

"I didn't choose to be this way," she argued. Then she sighed, and for the first time, he saw the weary look in her eyes--something he had never seen before. "Look, I didn't come here to start a fight, Hijikata. I just…"

He closed his eyes and released his grip on her shoulders. She was here now, alive and still in one piece. And that, right now, was what counted, because chances were that she would die tomorrow.

He'd lived for planning most of his life, and she had forced him to live in the moment, taking him as her lover and making him care for her. A part of him resented her for allowing him to love her the way he did, but a larger part took solace in the love he knew would never last forever, because the day would come when an evil would overpower her, and she would die. She promised him nothing that she couldn't keep, and he did the same, that was just the way it was. There was no attachment, only love. But when she died, he knew he would mourn. "Turn around."

Yanagi lowered her eyes slightly as she patiently waited for him to finish treating her wound. It was the first time she had an injury like this--across her back, and she knew that it unsettled him somehow. She knew it took a lot out of him to not give her a tongue-lashing, and she appreciated that.

It was always like this. Every time she came here, it seemed like it would be their last night together, and every touch, every caress would hold a tint of desperation to it, the need to hold on to that single touch, to commit it to memory.

It was what made the sex so addicting, yet tainted the aftereffects with a bittersweet feeling that refused to leave either of them.

It made Yanagi feel all the more weary when she left him. He knew she would never stay away for long, and he waited. With the patience of a predator seeking its prey, he would always wait for her.

Until she never came back.

Even so, he would still wait. He would see her again.

"Would you mourn for me when I die?" The words came out of her mouth, unbidden, and she blinked, surprised at her own question.

The hands on her back halted for a long moment.

She closed her eyes, waiting for him to speak. Would he mourn? Or would he put on the mask of Oni no Fukuchou and pretend nothing was wrong? "Tell me the truth."

A long, drawn-out pause, before his hands started moving again, light against her skin, sending tingles of passion down her spine. "Aa."

__

I matter to him, after all…This time, she allowed a smile to touch her lips. She hadn't smiled in a long time, and it felt good. She sighed, finally allowing herself to put her guard down. She was in her sanctuary, after all. There was no need for the Slayer anymore. Not right now.

"Hijikata--"

He reached over and touched her lips. "Iie. I am just Toshizou tonight." His voice was low, lower than she'd ever heard, and it made her heart skip a few beats. This was the only man who could manage to do this to her, and unable to resist, she leaned into his touch, desperate to feel his body against hers once more.

She felt him recoil, and turned, surprised. "Toshi?"

He stared at her, his face stony while his darkened eyes betrayed his passion. "You're hurt. I will not touch you tonight."

"It's already halfway healed," she told him, shaking her head. "Besides, I only have tonight. Who knows when I will come to you again?"

He still looked unconvinced, his desire to protect overpowering his desire for her. "It is a deep wound."

"It doesn't matter." Deliberately, she turned to him and let the cloth drop to her feet with a soft rustle.

His eyes burned.

She didn't wait for him to answer as she leaned flush against him, feeling every contour, pressing against the hard proof of his arousal. Her hands snaked around his neck, tangling themselves into silken strands as she pulled his hairtie loose, and pressed her lips against his. She would not be denied tonight. _Love me._

He responded with a primal growl and crushed her lips against his, exploring and tasting the sweetness that lay within. She felt herself lowered to the ground, and yet at the last minute, he turned so that she was resting on top of him. She looked down lovingly at him for a moment, relishing the masculine sweep of his jaw, the look in his eyes…

It was all for her.

__

Oh, Toshizou…

Her thoughts melted away once more as his large hand pulled her head down to his for an earth-shattering kiss, the other wildly caressing, memorizing every inch of her body as he pressed her pelvis against his, making her feel how much he desired her in that moment.

Her hands were not idle either, as she helped him get out of his customary black kimono impatiently, wanting--no, needing--to feel him in her.

She reached downwards to grab him when he caught hold of her wrist. He looked almost…amused. "There's no need to be impatient. We've got the whole of tonight."

As if to put truth to his words, lightning cracked across the room, followed by a rolling thunder that signalled the impending arrival of a thunderstorm. In a swift move, he reached over and turned out the light, plunging them in darkness.

Her mouth was claimed roughly by him once more as his fingers travelled lightly over her pants, and even as their tongues mated, she positioned herself so he could take that annoying material off as soon as humanly possible. A soft wisp of cold air made her shudder slightly, but she heard him growl as she rested herself fully on him, feeling the soft stiffness of his manhood against her own.

His fingers made their way to her womanhood and gently pressed against it, making her catch her breath. He always knew where to touch her. Tearing his mouth away from hers to settle on the juncture between her neck and shoulders, he whispered huskily. "You're already wet."

"Of course." She whispered back teasingly, holding his hand in place, quietly pleading for him to enter her. He teased her back for a moment, making her moan, too absorbed in her longing to care about power play. All she wanted was him tonight.

She flipped them over so he was on top, and his eyes widened slightly. "Your back--"

"I don't care. Just kiss me." Her normally clear blue eyes, now clouded with passion and desire, bored into his, pleading and softer than he'd ever seen them.

And so he did as she said, covering her mouth once more with his own in a long, gentle kiss that was so unlike him. He trailed his lips down, from her lips to her chin to her collarbone and even lower, paying homage to both her breasts as his other hand toyed with her womanhood, making her cry out softly for more. She was so wet and hot, and it made him want to just plunge into her, but for both their sakes, he would wait.

This would be a night of lovemaking, not sex.

He would never say he loved her, but he hoped this would be enough.

…

Yanagi's nails dug deeply into his back as he spilled himself into her, her own climax taking them both, once again, to the pinnacle of pleasure, and for a very long moment, things were once again simple between them.

He lay down beside her, surprised by the strength of his own climax. He started to pull himself out of her, but she stopped him, shaking her head as she toyed with his hair. "I like the feel of you inside me. Big and manly."

He stared at her for a moment, unable to believe she'd just said something like that, but it was not exactly unexpected. She always said strange things after lovemaking. He reached over and tenderly pushed the damp strands of hair out of her eyes, eyes that now did not hide the love she had for him. There were no longer secrets between them when they were joined, leaving them free to express their love for each other. "Aa? Should I take that as a compliment?"

"But of course," She drawled, finding a hollow between the base of his neck and his shoulder blade and idly nipping it, distracting him almost immediately. She crawled above him, making sure that they never lost contact, and laid tender kisses on his sculpted chest, especially over his heart, as if to kiss all his pain away, and he felt himself harden once more. That warm mouth never ceased to turn him on, no matter that he'd just had the most explosive climax of his life, which, really, was saying something.

She smiled impishly as she felt him stiffen inside her, and she swiveled her hips sassily, making him stifle a groan. "I see you're still very much awake."

"It's a wonder I can still rest when I'm with you," he replied, flipping her to her back once more--in a gentler way, she still had that wound, after all--and engaging her in a sensual, openmouthed kiss that left both of them breathless. He stroked her side languidly, rubbing the underside of her breasts, relishing the way she arched against him with the softest of cries.

"It looks like we've got to round two," Yanagi giggled softly, caged under him, dark hair once again mixing with melded black and purple ones as his lips wandered down her body, worshipping her breasts once more and making her burn. He looked up wickedly and ran the tip of his tongue seductively over her lips, coaxing them to open once more.

"Aa. Now shut up and kiss me."

…

Okita could not be silent anymore. They had temporarily sought shelter in an inn because of the storm, and they'd been in here for close to three hours. Jarenna had calmed down, but she stayed silent, staring into space, not even reacting to the sudden cold or when he placed his haori around her shoulders in a bid to keep her warm.

All the color had gone out of her cheeks, and what with the faraway look in her eyes, she looked like a zombie.

"Jare--Yukijurou-san?"

There was no response, not even a flicker of recognition in her eyes. He tried again, this time kneeling in front of her in a bid to make her listen. He would get her to talk. "Jarenna-san? Jarenna-san, it's me, Souji. Let me help you."

She looked up at him then, her dark eyes full of pain and anger. "You can't help me." she looked down at her lap, her eyes curtained by her dark hair. Belatedly, he realized that this was one of her little quirks, a hint that she was shutting him out even now. And he couldn't, _wouldn't,_ allow that.

He reached out and lifted her head up with a finger under her chin. "You don't know that. Don't shut me out."

Jarenna jerked away from him as if she'd been burnt. "Don't touch me, Okita-sama. Don't dirty your hands."

He stared at her, stunned at the sudden use of the honorific and more mystified than ever. "What are you talking about?"

She whipped her head up to face him, her eyes flashing. "Do you know what happened to me? Do you really want to know? Well, then, let me tell you. Takagi Kojuurou came to the Shinsengumi compound today. The one who was supposed to be my father. The one who sold me to those slave traders for _almost nothing._ The one who abandoned me and caused me so much hurt I wanted to die. I lived twelve years in Hell because of him. I was raped, and he wasn't there. He was my father, and _he wasn't there!!"_

Stunned, Okita said nothing as he digested those awful facts. No wonder she staunchly refused to talk about the exact things that happened to her. _Rape??_

But she wasn't looking at him, lost in her own thoughts. "I was six. They took me away from my home one night, and I remembered a man laughing at me, telling me that my own father didn't want a little rat like me. They told me I had been sold for twenty mon. And then they forced me to do things…many horrible things. And my trader…he was the worst. He raped me. for the few years I was with him, he kept raping me…beating me when I wasn't satisfactory…" She choked on a sob as she shuddered at the awful memory. "I moved from master to master, and most of them took pleasure in any way they wanted… I--" she pressed her hand against her mouth, stifling a cry as she shut her eyes tightly. "I couldn't stop them, or him. I couldn't--"

In a flash, Okita closed his eyes and pulled her sobbing frame towards him. He felt every little bit of her pain; it cut into him deeply, and it angered him that he couldn't do anything about it. "I didn't know, Jarenna." He whispered softly, hoping she heard it, hoping she heard the sorrow in his voice. "I didn't know…"

She wasn't listening. She had to continue her story, to get everything out before she went mad. "They--they h-hurt me. Badly. I tried to kill myself, but they stopped it, and punished me more. I couldn't die--and I wasn't living. I was--was nothing." She felt his arms tighten around her. And yet she continued, trembling violently. "And then I…I ran away. And…and they followed. And then you came…for the past seven months, I tried to forget. To-to get over it. And I did. It was hard, but slowly, I had learned to forget. I was almost happy…and then _he_ came, and…and I _remembered_. I remembered everything." She started to cry. "I don't want to remember. I-I don't! It's hurting all over now, eating at me like a disease. It's eating me up. I'm back in the past all over again…and this time, I can't get out…I-I can't."

"No. No, Jarenna." He said tensely, stroking her hair, remembering the madness he'd seen in her eyes all those months ago. Then softly, he spoke again. "Samurai-sama. Save me from the monsters."

She stilled for a moment. Okita went on, his determination growing. "Do you remember? It was the first thing you said to me. And I promised you I would. That promise still stands." _Forever._

Once again, he raised her trembling face to look straight at him, wiping away the tears he saw there. He wanted her to know that he meant everything that he said. "You don't live in the past anymore, Jarenna. I saved you then, and you left that place long ago. You live here. Now. You're _here. _And I'm here with you. No one will _ever _hurt you again."

"I'm so tired, Souji. I'm just so tired…"

"Then rest," he pressed her head gently into his shoulder as he positioned himself so she lay against him, willing all the strength he had to go into her, to protect her. _Jarenna, for tonight, just rest. Let me take the burden of your pain tonight. You have carried it alone long enough. It's time to let go._

"Listen to the silence, Jarenna. It's all over. You've lived it, and I won't allow you to live it again. I'm here now." He closed his eyes and pulled her closer as he felt her trembling decrease. "I'm here, so stay with me, Jarenna. You don't have to stay in that darkness. Stay with me…"

His words echoed in her mind, soothing her, calming her down. _Stay with me…_

She looked up at him, her eyes wide and lost, a look he desperately never wanted to see again. "Help me…please?"

"I will."

And right here, in his arms, against his chest listening to the comforting sound of his heartbeat, Jarenna knew that somehow, someway, she was going to be all right. He was going to protect her. Her warrior was going to save her.

His words curled around her even as she closed her eyes and finally relaxed, giving in to the exhaustion.

__

Stay with me.

And far, far away, at the edges of her subconscious, she heard the same words, yet uttered by a different mouth altogether.

…

In the silence of the predawn morning, Yanagi stirred, roused from sweet slumber, something she hadn't had in a long while. For a moment, she couldn't recognize her surroundings, the large arms that were wrapped tightly around her. In the dimness, she saw his face, and relaxed.

Hijikata Toshizou.

The events of last night came flowing back to her, suffusing her with a warm glow and a rare moment of peace. It was cold in the room, but under the blankets, in his arms…she felt only heat.

Adjusting herself slightly so she could look at him properly, she studied his handsome features, wanting to memorize them, wanting to remember so it would keep her content when she left him. Who knew when she would be back again, if ever? For a crazy moment, she considered throwing aside all her responsibilities and staying here with him forever, but she knew it would never happen. She had a job to do, and she would do it.

There was no choice.

She snuggled deeper against him, relishing the feel of his warm, muscular chest against hers. He looked so beautiful when he was sleeping, when the hard lines of his face and his perpetual scowl disappeared, leaving the breathtaking young man she was so much in love with.

__

The years have been hard on you, my love, she thought sadly, as she brushed her fingers against his cheek, pushing away the inky black strands of hair. He looked so much older now, so much sadder. He would hide all of that from the men, of course, preferring to put on his stern, unyielding face and place all of them at arm's length, but she knew him much better than that. Granted, she hadn't been there for him as much as she'd liked, but she'd been there enough for him to go to her. He was a great man, Hijikata Toshizou. He did great things, and he sacrificed his soul in the process. E adhered to the laws so strictly that he killed his close friend. He had cried then, broken, but not fallen.

But she knew he would never again weep.

Because she had wept enough for the both of them.

He would feel terrible, and Yanagi wanted that, simply because he was a good man, and for all the terrible things he did, she needed him to feel that way, but at the same time, she knew he would never yield. Because like her, everything he loved was at stake, and he had to fight to protect what he had. They fought the same battles, but in a different war altogether.

They'd loved last night with a passion that burned through their veins, consuming them until they could think of nothing else except the feel of flesh on flesh. And now, she was just happy to just…love him.

In this darkness.

In the limbo that no one could enter, where only the two of them existed. It would not last, but that didn't matter. She had never loved anyone else like she loved him, but it wasn't like she could just _tell _him that. It would be impossible for them to be properly together, considering she only had the life expectancy of a butterfly. Yet…yet she wanted to be with him so badly that it hurt. _If you only knew…but then knowing won't change things one bit, ne? It'll cause more hurt than good. Now I know why people like me are alone. Anyone else is a distraction from our calling. I was born to die in battle, but he…he might live through the Revolution. He most probably would. And I most probably won't. I would most likely not be alive tomorrow._

"Stop that." He muttered without opening his eyes.

"Stop what?" she asked, masking her surprise. _He's awake all the time?_

"Whatever you're doing." He grunted. "Stop it."

__

How do you expect me to stop loving you? Kami knows I tried. But we're bound together, you and I. Shaking off that thought, she forced a smile and planted a teasing kiss on his lips. "But I like touching you."

He opened his eyes then, and they pierced through her. "Not that. We know this is the way it has to be. So stop feeling sorry for us."

She stiffened. "I wasn't feeling sorry for anyone," she retorted, mildly annoyed. "I was just thinking about us. About…our future."

What a laughable concept. What future would they have together, if they even had one at all? But still, she couldn't help but hope. Maybe…just maybe…

Hijikata stared at her for a long moment, his eyes unreadable. "We'll never have one."

Her answer was a quiet sigh as she looked down, trying to keep the pain from showing. How could he say that so coolly? "I know."

The next thing she knew, she was looking up at him, and he was kissing her. Deeply and passionately. She knew he was never good at expressing himself verbally, and contented herself by making do with whatever she could from his unspoken gestures. It had suddenly occurred to her that, in their years together, he had never once said he loved her. Or even liked her. But she didn't care. She loved him, and that was that.

"What I want from you, I can never have. What's the use of pondering such a pointless topic?" he asked shortly as he pulled away, his eyes dark.

__

He wants a future. With me. She realized with a jolt. He would never have said that otherwise. And he was right. Going down that road would definitely hurt them more. Hadn't they once agreed on a no-strings-attached relationship? It seemed like a million years ago. She closed her eyes. It was all getting too much for her. The emotion, the hurt…

With great reluctance, she sat up. Her body cried out at the loss of his warmth, but she knew she had to go, and soon, before she lost her resolve. "I must go."

He simply stared at her, his eyes once again unreadable. He knew this was coming. Yet it still hurt so badly everytime. But all his said was, "Aa."

He watched her quietly as she moved silently about the room, slipping into her clothes, arranging them so that she looked presentable, like any other young lady on the street. But he knew she was not like them. She was a warrior in her own right, fighting against the darkness, constantly fighting. She would die for something that was much bigger than a civil war. And even as he observed her movements, he realized that she knew she was probably going to die very soon. She had acted a little strangely last night, almost…desperate.

And the sweet, longing way she'd kissed him then…

He closed his eyes once more, ignoring the tight knot of pain that wound into his heart. A part of him wanted to stop her from leaving, but the other, larger, part, knew that she had no choice. And that he would not have had it any other way. Her calling, like his, lay of the utmost importance. Anything else was a toss-up.

Nonetheless, he stood up, and, pulling his yukata over himself, he strode over, helping her tie her obi knot. She looked up at him in surprise, but he did not bother to reply. She was going to leave him for a very long time, probably for ever. It was the least he could do.

"I'm sorry," she said finally.

He glared at her, eyes flashing. "_Never _say that, Weeping Willow. I will not stand for it." He hated weakness. She knew that.

Gathering herself, she nodded and smiled, but her brilliant blue eyes were not as bright as they had been. Sliding open the shoji door quietly, she looked out into the darkness and took a deep breath. The rain had stopped, leaving a cool, dewy atmosphere in its wake. It was as if the world had been washed clean. "It's a beautiful morning."

He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist, feeling her warmth against him. "Aa."

She could stay awhile, she knew she could. Turning her head slightly, she closed her eyes as she felt his lips on hers once more, infinitely gentle and loving. It was his way of saying goodbye.

Finally, she pulled away and took a breath. She really had to go. The first rays of the sun had already touched the horizon, and she had to hurry before it was too late. "I have to--"

He finally spoke, his voice quiet. "You're always leaving."

"It's what I do." She agreed. "But I always return."

His reply was clipped. "Will you, this time?"

She hesitated, not knowing what to say. He pinned her with his gaze, but said nothing else. She could've said yes, to make them all feel better, but Tsukino Yanagi hated lying to the ones she loved. She kept silent.

His next words held a tinge of bitterness. "You've never once answered that question."

She lowered her head. "You've never liked liars, Toshi." Refusing to look at him, Yanagi headed outside, then stopped. Before she went, she needed to tell him something. To let him know how she felt before she--well, before. "I…I love you, Toshizou."

She felt his surprise. She waited for a few seconds, waiting for his reply, but there was none. _But then again, what the heck were you expecting?!_

Finally, her heart sinking, she started to walk, until she heard a single. "Aa."

__

I guess that's all I'm going to get from him, she said with a bittersweet smile as she walked away from the only man she would ever love. _But then again, that's more than some people will ever get. _"Sayonara, Toshi."

__

Never forget me.

…

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A/N:

It's an emotional heavyweight, this chapter. I almost cried when Yanagi left, which is the lamest of the lame. Which author--'cept JK Rowling--cries? Urgh. Anyway, did you guys like it? This shows Jarenna's weakest moments, and the reason why she broke down so badly was because no matter what she said, she still wasn't over the entire ordeal--the dreams she'd been having are hints to her true emotional state--and seeing her father once more…well, you know.

This also shows another side to Hijikata-sama, that he is essentially, still a person. Hmmm…I don't know what else to say, though, so I'll end off here! Ja! Drop me a comment and tell me what you think, and what you want to see, ne? Domo arigato!

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Akayama Kaoru: Hmm, I like the name. What does Akayama stand for? And no, Akira is another person…Ayu-nee's currently off spying, ne? I lengthened the timespan to make it more…personable, I think. To be able to get information, you've got to stay at a place long enough to garner the trust, ne?

Haha, now you know who the visitors are, yes? Hahahaha, thanks for reviewing the latest chapter, it's greatly appreciated! And anyway, keep updating your PMK Tetsu fic. I like it!

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Azngangurl16: I hope you enjoyed this!

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Jade eyed neko: Haha, really? Thanks so much! But Harada's mostly in character, though. In the PMK series they're so alike it's freaky! And yeah, it doesn't seem to work out between Jarenna and Okita-sama, ne? The course of true love never did run smooth….

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Icy Blossom: Of course Jarenna and Okita-san are gonna be happy in the end! At the very end, though. There's still so much that they've yet to go through…sigh…why did I even have to make it so sad? Oh well. And hmm, maybe I should find Saizou a girlfriend. A piggy girlfriend, bwahahahahahahaha!!


	8. Angel

Hello all!! We meet again! And wow, 28 reviews already! Again, many hugs and kisses go out to all the lovely reviewers who kindly took the time to comment about my story. Thank you all so very much! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fic. It's a little short, but well…on to the story!

__

…

..

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Love seeketh not Itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives it ease, And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair. --William Blake

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason to feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release,

The memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty, oh weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

From this dark cool hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage,

Of your silent reverie

In the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight lines

And everywhere you turn,

There's vultures and thieves at your back

The storm keeps on twisting

Keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference,

Escape one last time

It's easier to believe

In this sweet madness

Oh this glorious sadness, it brings me to my knees.

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

From this dark cool hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage,

Of your silent reverie

In the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here.

The storm had stopped raging, and in the deep of the night, all was still. Ever conscious of the warmth that lay against him, Okita watched her sleep. She had staunchly refused to let him to fully put out the light, so he left one lamp burning, bathing the entire room in a gentle glow.

Her eyes were closed and her face was finally calm. Her long lashes cast delicate shadows over her fair skin, making her look all the more fragile. Funny, she'd always looked…larger to him somehow, not the petite figure wrapped snugly in his haori. Even her waist was tiny, he realized with a jolt. How could anyone be so tiny?

Granted, she was taller than Tetsu-kun by at least a head or more, but he wasn't sure if she weighed more than him.

Nonetheless, he absently brushed a few stray strands away from her face, careful not to wake her. In the position he was in now, it was impossible to get sleep, and there was that insistent, annoying little thought that kept reminding him of how close he was to her, and just how little layers separated his skin from hers.

So he contented himself by turning his attention outside, but it was so dark out, and the thought of her lying in his arms was so distracting, he felt his gaze falling back to her, memorizing every feature of her face. She was a beautiful young woman. Not in the conventional sense, of course, but she had a strange sort of innocence around her that he found difficult to resist. He gazed at that face and felt his heart clench. What kind of horrors had she witnessed? How many foul men had tried to destroy that face? How many times had she been violated in the worst way possible?

As if in answer, she whimpered, her brows knitting.

Okita tensed as he heard her mumble something, her words feverish, tears spilling down her cheeks. _What is she seeing, even now?_ _Kami, why are you doing this to her? Wasn't what she faced before enough?!!_

He touched her cheek tenderly, wiping away her tears as she squirmed against him, hoping that wherever she was, she would feel it, and the comfort that he willed into her with all his heart. "Shhh, Jarenna. It's all right. It's all right."

She jerked a little, but then relaxed, accepting his touch. He relaxed slightly, stroking her cheek as he whispered to her, willing her to be free of those blasted nightmares that plagued her even now, and feeling a slow boil of anger at the helplessness he felt. It was as if nothing he did would ever be good enough to help her. Never before had he felt as if he was such a lie. What good was a tensai swordsman if he cannot do something as simple as protect the one he loved?

If only those nightmares had form. If only they existed in the physical world…he would hurt them as much as they hurt her and made sure they never got back up. If only all her demons were the ones he could fight, he would gladly die for her.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth in despair. _I'm sorry, Jarenna. I'm sorry that I can't help you. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Just tell me…_

…

I…I love you.

The words rang repeatedly in his mind as he continued smoking his pipe, more of habit than anything else. He hadn't seen her face as she'd said it, but he remembered the tone very well. It was almost…resigned. And he knew then, that there was a very good chance that he would never see her again. Absently, he glanced over at the futon.

That was where she lay barely three hours ago. That was where he'd loved her with all his heart and soul. And that was where, he knew she would never again return to.

And she loved him. Him.

He could hear the faint sounds of the men practicing and talking outside, and realized that Souji had not returned from his patrol since last afternoon. In his distraction with Yanagi, he had forgotten about that. And--

A shadow passed by his shoji before stopping in front of it. An all-too-familiar shadow. It knocked. "Hijikata-san. Are you awake?"

Souji. He sounded almost weary.

Hijikata tapped his pipe against the ashtray before muttering in the affirmative. The door opened, and the young swordsman stepped in, still dressed in his Shinsengumi uniform. Even the pig was missing. So he'd been out the whole night, then?

But Okita, currently, was momentarily distracted by something else. He watched Hijikata-san closely, then said with a small smile. "Tsukino-san came back last night?"

Hijikata stared at him. "How did you know?"

"She left a bag of sweets for me in my room," he nodded with a bright smile. "I just found them. And you're in an exceptionally foul mood on such a beautiful morning."

He chose to ignore the latter statement. Souji had always found his mood after Yanagi's departure highly amusing. "You've been out the whole night?"

"Yes," came the slightly less than chirpy reply. It was obvious that something was weighing on his mind. "There was a storm, and we couldn't go back, so we rented an inn for the night."

"Who?"

"Jare--Yukijurou-san and I."

So he was with her all night. Interesting. Very interesting, indeed.

"You should address her as Takagi-san now, Souji," he replied casually. Briefly, he wondered if the girl had told him what had happened between her and her father.

"She hates that name, Hijikata-san," Okita murmured, distracted by memory. Hijikata had never seen him look so disturbed…and angry…before. "I suggest you refrain from calling her that."

He raised an eyebrow. So she had told him, after all. Clearly, he was the first person she'd gone to after running out of that place. "She told you everything?"

"Hai." He sighed. "Yukijurou-san has had a very sad life. She couldn't stop crying."

Hijikata was silent. For a moment, he wondered if he'd gone too far. Showing Yukijurou to her family when it was obvious she hadn't yet fully recovered from the ordeal. He remembered Yanagi's first words to him last night, and suppressed a wince. Hurting an innocent young woman so badly just to know more about the man. Takagi Kojuurou was not worth that. But there was no use thinking about that now. Instead, he asked. "How's the girl?"

"She's back in the kitchens, doing her chores. Hijikata-san?"

"Aa?"

"Is Takagi and his daughter still here?" His voice had gone strangely flat.

"They're at an inn somewhere. I took the liberty to put as much distance between them and her as possible." Even he was not as cold-blooded as to allow Kojuurou to stay here. There were rules for treating innocent women, too. He'd crossed it yesterday, and he did not plan to do it again, unless the situation called for it. Okita looked mildly relieved. Then he stood up with a smile.

"Arigato, Hijikata-san. I'd better go for breakfast before Nagakura-san and Harada-san finish all the food. Again. See you later!" he gave him a small wave and headed out.

…

Yanagi nodded briefly to the servants as she entered the sprawling compound. The place was just as luxurious as she remembered, every inch crafted to impress rather than intimidate.

"Shall I announce your arrival to the Master?" A rather meek looking maid asked as she escorted her to where Shikeda Mashiro would be.

"It will not be necessary," she replied shortly, waving the maid away as they reached what Yanagi knew to be their private room, a place where not even the servants were allowed in. This place had always excited her, but right now it held none of that.

Pushing open the shoji door as silently as she could, she slipped in stealthily. She could hear faint grunting sounds from within the inner chambers and smiled faintly. A good time to catch him in, indeed.

She quietly slid open the inner door--

--and neatly plucked the kunai--that had been arced straight at her face--out of the air.

She hefted the weapon casually and toyed with it, careful not to let it cut her fingers. She had missed him so. "What, that's the greeting I get after you send me on a mission to try to get myself killed?"

Mashiro feigned a disapproving expression as he abandoned his quest to knock down the wooden dummy in front of him. "You're late, Yanagi. Made a detour to your lover's abode for a bit of a chat, perhaps?"

She placed the kunai back into its holder, taking a split second longer than usual. Feigned or not, Yanagi knew that he disapproved strongly of her relationship with Hijikata Toshizou.

__

If you could call it a 'relationship' to begin with, she thought absently. "Yes. I suppose that since it's most likely the last day of my life, I might as well make it count."

Mashiro sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was then that Yanagi caught the flash of weariness and sadness in her mentor's eyes. "I wish the prophecy would not come true, I really do. But--"

Yanagi held out a hand, cutting him off. Her face was closed-off once more, hiding the terror that lay deep within, and the terrible knowledge that she was marching to her death. "Let's go, Mashiro-san. If I'm going to die, I will take him with me. I am the Slayer, after all.

__

If this is my fate, then so be it. But I shall go down fighting every step of the way.

She stepped out of the room swiftly, not wanting to stay in there any longer. It was a place where they'd spent countless hours researching demons, training, and everything else a Slayer should know, and she could not bear to see it. Her mortality suddenly seemed so close at hand. _Maybe,_ she mused hopefully as she waited for her Watcher to prepare. _Maybe in my next life, Toshi and I will have the future that has been denied us._

"Mashiro-san."

"Aa?"

"Will you…will you be training the next Slayer?"

Mashiro paused at the question. The answer was affirmative, but he had no plans to train a new Slayer just yet. As a matter of fact, he was not ready to take one on, in the light of Yanagi's death. He loved her like a daughter; she was so different from the others. After her eventual death, he knew he would never train another Slayer again. "Why do you ask?"

A small shrug. "Just a question."

Unknown to her, her Watcher slipped a book into his haori, a determined look crossing his features. He would deny her her destiny tonight.

No matter the cost.

…

__

Well then, back to work, Jarenna thought to herself as she set the bucket of water and her cloth down. The dojo was currently empty as the men had gone off for lunch or patrol, which was a very good time for her to clean it. She'd purposefully kept herself busy the entire day, from making breakfast to taking over Kimiko's pet-feeding and cleaning chores to cleaning out every room in the compound. She needed the distraction.

When she'd woken up that morning, she was dumbfounded by the realization that she was bundled in Okita's Shinsengumi haori and leaning against him, no less.

Even though they were doing absolutely nothing else, the level of intimacy both unnerved and excited her, unnerving because something like that should only be shared between couples, and excited because…well, because it was Okita, and she'd been in love with him ever since he'd rescued her.

He'd woken up then, and whatever she felt in those precious few seconds were quickly dispelled by a bout of embarrassment. Things were mildly awkward between them, mostly due to the fact that last night had indeed been an emotional night. Jarenna had broken down in his arms and had finally let go of what she'd kept inside for so long, and to her surprise, she felt as if a weight, however mild, had been lifted from her shoulders. The past did not terrify her as much anymore. It was still horrible to think back on, but she felt…better. She was not alone in this. Okita himself had reminded her of that fact when they finally separated to their respective duties. Before she went to the kitchens, he'd simply smiled at her and nodded.

And he had walked away, leaving her with a smile on her own face. It was obvious that he cared for her.

__

Maybe he cares too much, she thought as she rinsed her cloth. Who was she, to make him care so much? And there was Kimiko, after all. She would be a much better fit for him. Carefree, happy…

__

Pure.

The term came to her from out of nowhere, and it hit her hard, like an iron punch to her stomach. Yes, that was what had been plaguing her all along.

Kimiko was pure, unsullied. Jarenna did not have that; she was no longer a virgin. No man would want her, much less Okita-san. She felt her face burn in silent shame as she started to clean the floor. He'd always taken her as a friend. What would he think of her now that he knew everything?

__

Stop thinking so much, she chided herself, inwardly annoyed. They would never be together, and that was that. Who was she, but a lowly maid? But then again, why did it hurt so much when she thought about it? Shaking her head, she continued her work. There were many other things to do after this.

"BUKIBUKI!!!!" Jarenna barely had time to react before the small pig knocked her onto her back with a running tackle, which, in all honesty, she never saw coming.

"Itaiiiiii…!!!" She winced as Saizou glared down at her from its spot on her chest.

"BUKI!!" It said accusingly.

"Saizou…" she muttered as she took hold of it, sat up and tucked her legs under her, rubbing the base of her spine. Kami that _hurt_. The little guy definitely had a lot of momentum going there. Then she realized that the pig had brought something with it.

The book she'd read to it yesterday.

The pig stared expectantly up at her. "Bukibu."

For a full ten seconds, Jarenna just stared, goggle-eyed. Did the pig just _take_ the book from her room?! And it even _knew_ which book it was! Granted, it was a bright green color, but still. _Kami-sama…this pig is smart._

Said pig cocked its head to the side, curious at the strange expression on her face. "Buki??"

She shook her head apologetically. "Gomen, Saizou, but I can't read to you today. I've got a lot of things to--"

Before she could finish her sentence, it jumped onto her lap and began pressing it's snout into her ribs, making her giggle. "Bukibukibuki…!!" If it was trying to make her feel better, it was definitely doing a good job.

__

Maybe I should get a pet one of these days, she thought as she picked it up and cuddled it. "Arigato, Saizou! You just made me feel a little better."

A familiar, soft laugh sounded, making her heart skip a few beats. "Well, I'm glad. Wearing a frown all day will make you look like Hijikata-san, you know."

"Buki!" Saizou, glad to see its master again, leapt towards him.

The pig was snugly tucked in Okita-san's arms, and the man in question was grinning down at her. His smile was so infectious, and she couldn't help but return it.

"Okita-san. Good afternoon."

"Buki!!"

"There, there," Okita said tenderly as he set his pig down and let it scamper off before turning back to her. "You're smiling again, Jarenna-san. Good, good!"

Jarenna was surprised at the change in name and nodded gratefully. "Thank you for helping me, Okita-san. I guess I really…lost it last night."

"Now, didn't I tell you not to keep saying 'thank you'?" He feigned a frown. "Must break that habit, Jarenna-san."

Jarenna nodded, feeling a flush creep to her cheeks. She remembered that just after he'd told her that, he'd kissed her. And that kiss had been wonderful, soft and tender and setting off fireworks in her brain.

The swordsman had obviously remembered that too, because she saw the same faint flush work across his cheeks. He was a handsome man, Okita Souji.

…

Saizou trotted over to the side and lugged the treasure with him before sitting his little piggy self down firmly on it. It would not do to lose the treasure, especially after the time spent bullying the noisy little ahou into getting it for him.

The Girl-Pet had promised to read him a story of a pig and his brothers, but had not gotten through with it because some new humans entered and she looked upset. The Girl-Pet even dropped her treasure, which annoyed him greatly. Weren't treasures meant to be taken good care of?

He couldn't understand why the Girl-Pet left and never returned to find him even though he waited patiently for her till dinnertime, or why she looked so sad all day today.

Ah well. Humans were crazy creatures, and he supposed the Girl-Pet, like the rest of them, was half mad, too.

Saizou, on all counts, was a very lonely little pig. All his other relatives seemed to think that eating, sleeping, and playing tag in the mud patch was all there was to a healthy, fulfilling life. He, for one, was a modern little pig and knew there was much more to life. Like playing Tag And Bite The Noisy Little Ahou, for instance, or listening to his pet read to him. Or looking for the Girl-Pet and making her play with him, but she was always busy doing things.

He liked her, because she was gentle and kind and had a pretty voice. He especially liked snuggling up to her, because his pet was nowhere as soft and comfortable as she was.

Well, his pet was here, and he knew that they would be ignoring him for a good while. His pet always did that when he was around the Girl-Pet. Very annoying, but he understood and left them alone. The Girl-Pet still looked sad. For that, he would stay here and wait patiently until she was finished. The Girl-Pet might be half mad, but Saizou knew his own pet loved her, so he would try to make her feel better.

…

There was a silence for a moment before he spoke, his smile fading. "Does it still hurt?"

Jarenna appreciated that he had not used the more common term of 'Are you all right?'. The others, including Junko-san, who'd heard about what happened, had bombarded her with those questions this morning, and she wasn't sure how to answer it. How 'all right' was all right? If she said yes, she was lying, and if she said no, it was bound to lead to a lot more questions she wasn't yet ready to answer, and quite frankly, if anyone else asked her that again, she was going to scream.

It had also been one of the main motivations for her taking on more chores than usual. The less she associated with people today, the better off she would be.

Jarenna turned her gaze to the floor and started to clean, more to occupy herself than anything else. What had happened last night was deeply imprinted in her mind. The helpless way she depended on him last night, the way she cried and told him her entire story…she already caused him too much trouble, and quite frankly, she didn't deserve his attention.

"I'm fine, Okita-san. Don't worry about me." her voice had taken on a false cheer, and she winced at how fake it sounded.

Apparently, Okita had felt so too, and she felt his eyes on her. "Are you sure?"

__

Don't care so much for me, Okita-san, she thought miserably as she felt the concern in his voice. _Who am I to have something like this? _"Of course! If you'll excuse me, Okita-san, I must start cleaning."

"Oh. Of course. Take care, Jarenna-san." The surprise and disappointment was apparent in his tone as she gave him the brush-off. She hated herself for doing so, but she had to. She had taken too much from him already, too many things that she did not deserve. His promise rang in her mind, the words he'd said to her last night, and she felt even worse. She did not have the right to lay claim that, she realized it now. Who was she kidding, when she actually entertained thoughts that the both of them would have something together?

He turned away, and Jarenna finally looked up, her eyes fixated on his lean back as he walked away from her. For a moment, she allowed her longing for him to surface. Just for a moment. _I'm sorry, Okita-san._

She was alone, after all. She would always be.

__

Listen to the silence, Jarenna. It's all over. You've lived it, and I won't allow you to live it again. I'm here now. I'm here, so stay with me, Jarenna. You don't have to stay in that darkness. Stay with me…

Help me…please?

I will.

…

"Jarenna."

Jarenna tensed at the voice, her blood running cold almost immediately. The cloth she held was squeezed painfully in her fist. She was not ready for this. Not now, not ever. She squeezed her eyes shut. _This is a dream. This is just a dream. When I open my eyes, he'll be gone._

The cold, clammy feeling in her stomach spoke otherwise, and when she opened her eyes, she heard his voice once more, a faint edge in his tone. "Daughter."

__

Go away. Go away!!

"I have no father," she said coldly, getting as far away as possible from him. "And I am certainly _not _your daughter."

"Jarenna, won't you let me explain?"

"Save it."

"I had no _choice!_ The family situation back then was terrible. We barely had enough to live on, and we had no choice but to sell you! Please, believe me, Jarenna. Those slave traders promised me they'd take good care of you, which was why I agreed to sell you to them, and they made me an offer I couldn't refuse. If it hadn't been for that, our entire family would've perished long ago! Surely you don't want that, do you? Surely you understand?"

She whirled around to face him, her eyes blazing with fury and hate. "No. No, I don't. You sold me to them for pittance, you never wanted me in the first place, and you expect me to believe your lies? I don't know why you did it, and I _don't care. _I just want you to get out of my life!!!"

He stared at her. "I am your _father, _Jarenna. What good will it do me if I lie to you now?"

"_I have no father. _You don't deserve that name!!"

"For years I've tried to find you, but there was nothing more to go on except your name, and even then, Japan is so large, you could've been anywhere! You could've been dead for all I knew! It hurt me very much to finally give up the search, because there were no clues anywhere, and now, I've finally found you, and I'm trying to make you understand. Why won't you give me this chance?"

Despite herself, Jarenna hesitated, sensing the pleading in the old man's voice and seeing the pained look in his eyes. This was her father, after all. And in those days, selling daughters to save the family was a common thing, but…

"He gave me a hundred ryo for you, daughter. It was hardly pittance." He paused for a long moment and took a step closer. "Without the money, all of us would've starved to death…we had no choice…" he lowered his head in shame. "I-I know you have suffered very much, and I am very sorry…I know this is useless to you, but I am sorry…"

__

A hundred ryo…not twenty mon, then.

Shaking her head, she turned away. He was the cause of her misery, but he hadn't known that horrible things would happen, would he? And he only did it to save the family…_But what about me? They're living in the lap of luxury while I suffered. He became an important Bakufu official while I was in Hell. _"You're right, father. It means _nothing_ to me. Did you think an apology would suffice?! That it would make everything I went through go away like that?"

"That is why I'm here, my daughter." His voice was gentle and sad. "I want to make it all up to you. For all the years you've suffered, I want to compensate for it, at least a little. I never wanted to sell you. You are my daughter, and I love you." He fell to his knees. "Please…forgive your father._"_

Jarenna was stunned speechless. She'd always wanted to hear from him, to hear his reasons, and now that she had, it was difficult to hold on to the hate any longer. He had his reasons, and to see him like this, apologizing to her, kneeling at her feet…it was all too much. She wanted to forgive him, but she couldn't…not immediately. A large part of him was still furious, but she was beginning to realize that it was not totally his fault. He couldn't possibly know that she would be raped or beaten or…

And he was still _kneeling_ before her, begging for forgiveness…it would take a lot of pride for someone to be able to do that, she knew. Besides, it was all over now. What else could she possibly do about it? Kill her father? What good would that do? What was done could not be undone. Moreover, he had said he'd come to make it up to her…perhaps that would be the closure that she needed. She'd held on to the past for so long, maybe now was the time to let go.

But it was just too fast. No matter how much she wanted to, she knew she would never be able to fully forgive him. But maybe, just maybe…

…

Just outside the dojo, Okita watched, hugging Saizou to him, his smile growing. Maybe now, those shadows would be forever gone from Jarenna's eyes, and she would feel better, no matter what she'd said to him earlier. Her capacity to forgive astounded him. He knew that if it was him instead of her, his father would definitely have had a much harder time, but then again, he supposed Jarenna was just tired. She had been through so much, after all, things that no one person would be able to bear alone. And to hold on to that for so long…it's going to hurt more than anyone could bear.

He coughed suddenly, stifling it as best he could so that no one knew he was there. It was gone as fast as it came, but it always made him feel breathless and shaken. Ignoring the little nagging feeling at the back of his mind, he walked away.

Maybe Tetsu-kun would be up for a friendly sparring match today.

…

Okita made his way soundlessly towards the kitchen. All was silent and unmoving; everyone else was asleep, save for the men on watch. He glanced outside. An hour to sunrise. Good.

It had been awhile since he'd done this, and briefly, he wondered if Jarenna would be there. She'd been avoiding him for the entire day; he hadn't seen her at all after her father went to her. And it hurt, especially since he knew that he'd done nothing wrong. Why had she refused to see him? Was it because of the kiss? Was she still thinking about that? He'd thought that they'd grown closer that stormy night in the inn, but it seemed like it was all a bout of wishful thinking on his part.

He stopped as he saw the familiar light in the kitchen, and he felt his heart skip a beat. Was she in there? Would she be smiling at him when he entered, like before? Maybe now, he would finally tell her how he felt for her. He could not stop thinking about her after that first kiss and had decided that whatever it took, he would have her, no one else. But he had momentarily shelved those plans because of the fiasco with her father, and now that it was dealt with, he was free to act, to tell her he loved her. _No time like now, _he thought as he pushed open the door.

"Jare--" His words died when he realized who it was. Struggling to keep his disappointment in check, he forced a smile in response to the brilliant one he received. "Kimiko-san?"

If she'd picked up on his crestfallen tone, she didn't show it even as she bustled around looking for the various pots and pans. "Ohayo gozaimasu, Okita-sama! It's a surprise to see you here!"

__

Finally! She thought, overjoyed. For the past few days she'd specially woken up early in the hopes of seeing Okita-sama and spending time with him. Once he got to know her properly, she was sure, he would like her. Who didn't? Even Toudou-sama and Nagakura-sama liked her. And now that Jarenna was not around to spoil things--for some reason, she was gone for the whole day yesterday, and when she complained about the extra workload she had to bear on top of her punishments, Junko-san even scolded her, which was terribly unfair!--she felt all the more lightheaded. This was a dream come true, indeed!

__

Let Jarenna keep her lady status, she thought disdainfully. _I've got Okita-sama right where I want him._

She'd been green with envy when rumors circulated that Jarenna was actually the daughter of a Bakufu official, but had gotten over it quickly. So what if she was a lady or something? Okita-sama was never one who went for status, so no worries there. And besides, she'd heard awful things about Takagi Kojuurou from the other maids, and it was just as well that she was not the old twisted pervert's daughter.

"O-Ohayo." He was immediately distracted. "Kimiko-san, is Jare-Yukijurou-san still asleep?"

"She said she wanted to go for a walk early this evening. I never saw her sin--"

Okita was out of the door before she could finish her sentence.

…

A/N: Haha, what do you guys think?? It's kinda funny and sad at the same time, though. I don't really know exactly how a person should react when a father kneels on the floor. I mean, even the most hard-hearted person will have trouble leaving the father there, no matter how evil he was or anything. Don't worry, though, that is not the end of it. I'm so sorry that there aren't more on Saitou/Tokio. It'll be coming soon, I promise!! And stay tuned, Okita's FINALLY gonna tell Jarenna how he feels for her in the next chappy! How will she react, especially when she's acutely aware that she's not fit for him?? Hmm….

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Angel of The Deceased: Hey! Of course Okita and Jarenna would be together in the end, but I'm not gonna reveal too much on that, lol. And yeah, I went to Egypt, visited the Cairo museum and all that. Damn it was hot, but I had lots of fun there. I don't know why, but I'm obsessed with all things ancient Egyptian, like ancient Pharaohs, Nefertiri, Isis…lots more! You should go there soon, it's fantastic. Hmm, France is fantastic too, though. I'm not sure, but I heard somewhere that the Eiffel Tower in Paris stands for a giant foot phallus. Fascinating piece of news, which also cracked me up. Thank you so much for bothering to read my story and reviewing, it's very, very appreciated, and makes me want to write some more, haha. And yeah, a STRAIGHT Okita pairing. I mean, dammit, I don't think he's gay! Historically, he's got a bunch of wives on the side! Which part of gay is that?? But in this story there's only one, though, lol.

And hey, everyone writes well, so don't go undermining yourself, ne? I'm sure you write very well too, and I shall go check out your story ASAP, haha.

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Hyper-Sloth: Thank you very much for your reviews. You normally read shounen-ai? Wow, thanks for reading mine, then! I admit, it's nowhere as good as some of the shounen-ai fics, but your comment means a lot to me, lol. I shall keep on writing, then!

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Akayama Kaoru: Oh, so THAT'S what it means. A very nice name, I must say. Quel poetic, lol. So glad to see your comments once more! I'm SO sorry I've got to stop it there! ::whimpers as tomatoes are thrown at her:: Jarenna's father reminds you of your friend's step-father? Oh…that bad, huh? What an asswipe. ::annoyed:: She should just kick his butt! People like that deserve to be shot, I tell you!

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Kiristel: Hello! Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you liked it!

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Aznfangurl: Haha, of course, there'll be more on Okita and Jarenna in the next chapter. Stay tuned for it, ne?

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Jade eyed neko: Hey there. Thanks for reading this chapter of Yukijurou, too! At first I intended this to be RK, but when I saw the PMK show…wow. And so here it is!

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Icy Blossom: Hey, thanks for your nice reviews! I like writing end messages to people, 'cause they're fun, lol. Sad bits will always make the happy ones happier, ne? I don't think anyone would be really interested in a story that's happy all the time, or the other way round, really. A good dose of both is healthy. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	9. Love Gained, Love Lost

Ohayo!!!! Hello all! I am sooo sorry! Was very busy, what with the reopening of school and the truckload of papers to finish and all. How are you guys?? Missed the times when I can write without worrying about whether I would be kicked out of class the next day because I handed in my assignment late…sigh, such is life. Anyway, enjoy!!

…

..

.

Jarenna pulled her thick coat tighter around herself. Strange how the cold seemed to be able to seep through the woolen material and make her shiver. It was the coldest part of the night, and her face felt numb. Winter was drawing nearer and nearer with each passing day, and it brought with it a strange sort of barrenness she felt a mild affinity for.

The gentle gurgle of the river and the silence comforted her. It was still dark, but at least it wasn't pitch black, thanks to the tiny sliver of the sun's rays that were barely visible in the horizon. She knew she had to get back soon, she had things to do tomorrow, but for now she just wanted to sit and have some time to herself before she went insane.

"How many boats have you counted floating by?" The soft, gentle voice made her jump as she whirled around to face the speaker. He was just behind her, and she marvelled the fact that he could sneak up so close without her knowing. Nothing less from the First Squad Captain of the Shinsengumi.

"Okita-san! How did you find me here?" She made sure to find a place where no one would think of finding her, and here he was, standing before her in his customary white kimono and a dark blue haori over it. He looked like he'd just gotten out of bed. His face was calm, but she saw the mixture of worry and relief in his clear eyes.

So he had been worried and relieved for her, and that realization made her feel worse. She'd come here to get away, to sort out her thinking, but it seemed like Fate would not allow her even this slight reprieve.

"It doesn't matter where you run, Jarenna. I'll always find you. Whether in a crowd or in no man's land." He paused and smiled. "I'm glad you're all right. It's dangerous out here."

She turned away. "I want to be alone, Okita-san."

"You've been alone long enough."

She shifted uncomfortably as he sat himself down next to her. Okita could be really thick if he wanted to. "I need t—"

His voice was quiet. "Why are you avoiding me?"

Jarenna stopped, finding herself quite unable to say anything to that. There was nothing she could hide from him, could she? Nonetheless, she managed. "I-I wasn't."

He coughed, stifling it as best as he could. "You've never been good at lying, you know."

__

How do I say this? "You've done too much for me already, and I appreciate that, but you really shouldn't be here. You've got more important things to do with your time. I'm not worth that."

Okita was startled at those words. Where had she gotten _that_ from? It seemed so sudden, her avoidance and now what she was saying… "I promised you I'd help you. I don't plan on breaking that."

So it was just about the promise, after all. The guilt she felt gnawing at her intensified. She knew that a warrior never broke his word, and it hurt that she had been the one who had bound him to it, after all. "Then I release you from it."

A long silence. "I want to help you."

She closed her eyes. "Okita-san, stop wasting your time on me. It's useless."

He looked sharply at her, taking in her forlorn expression. "Stop talking like that, Jarenna. What happened to the strong, optimistic girl I know?" _And love?_

She laughed, a bitter, heartwrenching sound. "That girl is a lie. This is the real me, a pathetic, trashy nobody."

He stared at her for a long moment, stunned. _Jarenna, you save lives, no matter how slim the chances of surviving are…why can't you use that determination to save yourself, too? _ "Jarenna…"

She didn't reply; just looked out to the river. It was after a long time that she finally spoke, haltingly at first. "It's not…not fair, you know. I can't even bring myself to hate him. I can't even hold on to something as simple as that. I hate that all he has to do is apologize and kneel and everything just goes away but the hurt. It hurts so much because I can't hate him, and I can't forget and I feel myself just letting go and now everything is just…empty. I'm empty. He made me lose everything I had, and now he's taking away my anger and now—" she knew she was rambling. "Now I'm nothing. _Nothing. _I can't even call myself a weakling, because at least weak people have something to hold on to." She took a breath and wiped at her eyes.

"To forgive is not a sign of weakness, Jarenna. You have to let that go, because the past does not make you who you are now. To err is human, and to forgive, divine. You should be happy that you have that in you, because there are many, many people I know who simply can't forgive, and they lived out their days in misery. Will you be happier if you could hold on to that anger for life? Would it make you really happy?"

"But I don't want to forgive! I hate that he gets let off so easily! But he's my father, and I understand that he had no choice, and that he wasn't the one who did all those horrible things…but a part of me just wants to hurt him the way he caused me to hurt…"

He touched her shoulder gently, understanding her feelings all too well. He kept silent, knowing that having someone to listen to her would make all the difference. This was something he knew she had to work out and—

—Okita's hand immediately flew to his mouth as he coughed, the powerful spasms rendering him useless to try to even tamper it down. It was times like this that he hated, being unable to control the mysterious coughing that came upon him once in a while.

Jarenna's eyes were on him immediately. "Okita-san, are you all right?"

His lungs burning, he managed a weak nod. "I-I'm fine. It's just a cough."

"It sounds bad."

He smiled faintly, more to reassure her than anything else. She had so much on her mind right now; it was unfair to burden her with anything else. "It always looks worse than it really is."

She didn't look too convinced, but nodded anyway, sensing that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about. "Oh."

There was a few more minutes of silence before Jarenna finally looked up and spoke. "Can you stay with me, please? I don't want to be alone."

"I will." He paused for a moment before reaching over to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. He felt her tense slightly at the touch, but did not pull away. "You've always been a strong, brave girl, Jarenna. You've lived through your horrors, which is so much more than anyone could bear, and yet you still manage to live your life with a smile. Don't let a man tear that down. He does not deserve that honor. Keep smiling, because you never know who's going to fall in love with it."

__

Fall in love?

Before she knew it, he caressed her face, his fingers electric against her skin. His normally large, innocent eyes were narrowed slightly, as it always was when he was serious about something. His eyes ticked down to her lips, lingering there for a good long while before locking with her eyes and sending her heartbeat racing to a mile a minute. He was so close, so close…

"Okita-san," she stiffened and pulled away from his touch, her heart pounding in her ears. What was he thinking? "I-I can't. You're with Kimiko. You can't do this."

Okita was baffled. Where did Kimiko come in in all of this? "What? Kimiko?"

"She loves you."

"And I don't. What makes you think she's with me?"

Jarenna frowned. "She isn't?"

"No, of course not! Where did you get that silly idea from?"

"But I saw you and her together in the kitchen--"

Okita laughed softly and shook his head. Dear, dear Jarenna. Was that one of the reasons why she had been distancing herself from him? "I was looking for you to give you that poetry book, and when I was about to leave, you and Sano came in."

"Oh." So they weren't together, after all. She didn't know why, really, but it seemed like a weight had been lifted off her.

He turned serious once more and took her hand, delicate and cold in his grasp. "I'm not with her, Jarenna. The person I really want to be with is you."

Jarenna stared up at him, her eyes wide and shocked. It was a few seconds before she managed to form coherent words. "What?"

In all his life, Okita Souji had never felt as nervous as he had right now. What would she probably say to that? Inwardly, he marvelled at the thought that he could still feel something like that. He had never had that kind of feeling before, the rush of anticipation and the fear of rejection. He'd always been accepted by everyone because of his prowess with the sword, but now it didn't matter, did it? No matter how good he was with the sword, it wasn't going to matter to Jarenna. It was clear that she didn't really care if he was the greatest or not, not like most of the women who were turned on by hitokiri. And for once, he felt uncertain, unsure of himself and where, exactly, he stood with her.

Jarenna, on the other hand, was stunned into silence. Did he say what she just thought he said??! She resisted the urge to pinch herself, to test whether she was dreaming. _That look in his eyes…_ she'd never seen him look like that before. He looked so intense, so serious…he meant it.

__

But so what? A snide voice in the back on her mind mocked. _You're not good enough for the likes of him. It's not like you're untouched. He doesn't need someone like you dragging him down. What will the others say about him when they find out what I am?_

She closed her eyes. It hurt so much more now. If he hadn't said he wanted to be with her, maybe it would be better, because she could discount it all to wishful thinking on her part, but now…it was just not possible. She'd been used by men so many times, and he knew that. Was it pity that drove him to say what he said?

"Love is not pity or charity, Jarenna," he said firmly, and she realized that she'd spoken that aloud. "It's for the exact same reason why I would not accept Kimiko, no matter how much she loves me. I don't pity you." He paused and decided to go in for the plunge. What else did he have to lose? "I…I love you."

__

Oh, Kami…

Jarenna shook her head. "It's impossible between us, Okita-san. I'm not pure, I'm definitely not innocent, and I'm just a maid." She looked straight at him, wishing with all her heart that he would understand. "With your station, you deserve someone much better."

"You're just a woman, Jarenna." He spoke, feeling his heart sinking. "And I'm just a man. Right now, with you, I'm none of those things you envision me to be. I'm just like you."

"I…" She didn't know what to do, or even say. A part of her just wanted to fall into his arms and say she loved him, but another part, a bigger part, knew that he would regret it eventually. Who would want someone who was used by men so many times? Who would want someone like her?

He held her gaze in for a long moment, and Jarenna saw the love that shone there, honest and open for all to see. It was something that she'd dreamed of, but right now, in this reality, she knew she could not say yes. She was not fit for him, period. No matter how much it hurt, she would resist, for his sake. He would find someone better than her.

But before she could say anything, she realized that he was kissing her. It was an amazing feeling, his mouth soft and warm against hers, and for the moment, all her coherent thoughts faded away.

__

Just this once, she thought blissfully as she sank into the kiss, melting into his arms. She knew she could never resist him. _Just this once…_

His tongue slid into her mouth, a welcome invasion that weakened her resolve to say no. The once-gentle kiss was very rapidly becoming passionate as he held her close, unable to get enough of her sweet, warm taste. And the scent of summer roses broke the link between his brain and his body, as he, consumed by passion, delved further into the kiss, wanting—_needing_— to complete his possession of her.

__

She's mine, he thought as he pulled her closer, feeling her warmth through her clothes and yearning for more. He barely resisted the urge demand for more, more of what he knew she was not yet ready to give.

And then she was pushing against him, struggling to be free. Sliding out of his grasp, she had tears in her eyes as she shook her head. "I-I can't do this."

Okita drew back, stunned. "Can't do what?"

"Whatever we're doing. I'm sorry, Okita-san. I just…I can't."

He was crushed. "Why not?"

"I-we cannot be together, don't you understand? You're—"

"No, I don't understand! I don't care what you are, or what happened to you. Why do you have to be so mindful of that?"

"Sooner or later, Okita-san, you will. I am no longer a virgin. I was raped not once, but many times. I am a ruined woman. You'll regret loving me."

"What part of 'I don't care' do you not understand, Jarenna?" he demanded, feeling her slip farther and farther away from him. "I know what happened, and _I don't care_, because I love you!"

"You don't even _know _who I really am! You don't see who I really am. You only see the side of me I let all of you see. I—"

"I know who you are, Jarenna! Do you think I didn't see all the fear, the hurt, the anger that you had? Do you think I'm that blind? I see you, Jarenna." His voice softened as he reached out and touched her cheek. "I see _you._ Not what you went through, or what you think you are. You're just Jarenna. You're the only person I see."

She covered her ears, not willing to hear any more. Her will to leave was slipping away, and she could not afford that. Once she went to him, she knew there would be no turning back, for him or for her. And the fact that he loved her made it all worse. Why couldn't he just understand where she was coming from? _Why did he have to make it so difficult?? _"Stop it, Okita-san, just stop it! I don't want to hear that anymore!"

She saw the pain in his eyes and hated herself even more then. It was something that she'd never wanted or expected, and yet she knew she had to go through with it, to save them all the pain and the heartache that would come later. "I-I have to go."

She turned to leave, but he caught her wrist. "No."

She met his gaze with surprising steadfastness. "Let me go, Okita-san."

"Do you love me?"

Jarenna stopped. It was the question she'd kept asking herself, something that haunted her everytime she saw him. Something, she knew, every lover asked of their partners. And now he was asking it of her. Did she?

It was useless to lie to him; it would only cheapen their relationship—or whatever it was now—and his respect for her would be gone. _But how can I tell him that I've loved him since the moment I laid eyes on him? _"Nothing can ever come out of it, Okita-san."

Stunned at her words, he released his grip. Feeling the tears pricking at her eyes once more, she turned away to leave, but was halted at his next words. "All you ever do is turn away."

This time, she felt the tears, icy hot against her cheek as she felt her heart break once more. "I'm sorry, Okita-san. I'm sorry."

He lowered his gaze. "I'm not letting go of you, Jarenna. For as long as you love me, I will not let you go."

She did not look at him as she ran.

…

Jarenna was burning up.

Her brain was pounding furiously against her skull, threatening to mar her vision. Junko-san had been coming in and out for the past couple of days to put a new cold compress against her forehead. The stress of the past few weeks and the prolonged exposure to the bitter cold two days ago had taken a serious toll on her already weakened health. She slipped in and out from sleep, alternately throwing blankets off or bundling herself up in them. She'd already taken the medicine Junko-san had given her, but it would need time to take effect. Even then, she was not spared a scolding from the well-meaning old woman, who reprimanded her the day before for going out so late at night, what with the weather rapidly turning cold and all. Jarenna did not say a word as she had been too sleepy to even think.

Even Kimiko had dropped by and wished her well, after subtly trying to pry about what happened between her and Okita earlier and failing.

__

I hate falling sick, she thought blearily as her pounding headache eased slightly. The medicine Junko-san had given her was making her perspire, and she threw off the covers, feeling very uncomfortable. The cold compress burned ice-hot against her fevered skin, and she coughed, a violent, dry cough that shook her up and made the tears roll from her cheeks.

__

I must be having a really bad virus, she thought as she replaced the compress back on her head. It came out of nowhere, and it surprised her, what with her runny nose and all, that it was dry. Shouldn't it be with phlegm or something?

She dismissed that thought as quickly as it occurred to her, more occupied with the chores that were waiting for her. Who was going to do them? It would be an added strain to Junko-san and the other maids. Silently, she chastised herself for being so stupid as to stay out for so long and get herself sick, inconveniencing everyone in the process. But the events two days ago were not without their own merit. She had felt better about the entire thing now. She was still angry, but she was determined not to let his current presence destroy her. Slowly but surely, she would try putting it behind her again and start afresh. She was so tired with living in the past, something which brought nothing but pain to her. Okita-san's earlier words still rang in her head, and she took comfort in them, while trying her hardest to block the later words and the kiss that came after that. She did not need this now. She needed to get better.

__

Which means that I need to sleep, she thought as her eyes, suddenly heavy, fluttered shut.

…

"Okita-san, what's the matter?" Tetsu cocked his head to the side and regarded his friend quizzically. He had been in a strangely somber mood for the past couple of days, and it didn't help that he'd been coughing a little more than usual. Something was wrong, but what? The man didn't even pay as much attention to Saizou, which, in itself, was disturbing, and he was in the dojo the whole day, practicing. He hardly ever did that, as far as Tetsu knew.

Okita looked up from his shinai with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Tetsu-kun. Did you want something?"

And he obviously hadn't been listening. Something was really up. Tetsu frowned. "I asked if you were all right. You're not quite yourself these couple of days. Is anything wrong or something?"

"I was just thinking."

"It must be very important, then." The boy observed, then he hesitated for a moment before carrying on. This was his friend, after all, and he looked like he needed someone to talk to. "You look…sad."

"Is it that obvious?" He acknowledged, continuing to swing his shinai, putting a little more force than usual into the blows.

Tetsu, for one, had never seen Okita-san look like that before. He was always happy and smiling, though, occasionally, he showed his other, less happy side. But it was never this long. "Well. Do you want to train with me? You can teach me new stuff. I wanted to learn that mo--"

"Not today, Tetsu-kun. I'm not in too good a mood today, I'm afraid. I might end up killing you or something." His inability to temper his strength according to the situation was notorious, and he knew that. He didn't want to seriously hurt his young friend, especially when his thoughts were full of _her_.

He did not miss Tetsu's look of surprise--he'd never refused an offer to spar before--and kept silent.

The boy studied him for a moment. "Is it…about Yukijurou-san?"

Okita stopped and stared at him, surprised. Had he been taking psychic lessons from Hajime or something? "What?"

"It's about Yukijurou-san, isn't it?"

"How did you know?"

Tetsu rolled his eyes. "It's so obvious, Okita-san. I might be young, but I'm not stupid. Everytime you and her are together, it's like there's no one else around or something. Harada-san thinks it's funny as hell."

"Harada-san?" Okita frowned. Even _he _knew?

"Yeah, he said that the two of you looked sweet together. He's got his sights set on an oiran from Shimabara now. I think. Said that he didn't think Yukijurou-san and he would be compatible."

"He really said that?"

"Yeah. A couple of days ago, when he saw you and Yukijurou-san coming back together." The boy eyed him shrewdly. "You uh, you love her, don't you?"

He lowered his eyes and went back to practicing once more. Since Tetsu-kun knew so much, it wouldn't hurt to confide in him. At least a little. "Yes."

"So…" Tetsu began, unsure of what to say, but wanting to know what happened nonetheless. "Did you tell her that?"

"Yes." The answer was noncommittal.

__

Come on, Okita-san, don't be all Broody Man now… Tetsu thought. If he wanted to get more answers, he was going to have to pry some more.

"And…um…she didn't say she loved you?"

A hard swing. "She did."

This time Tetsu really was confused. "Then why are you so sad? She loves you, doesn't she?…Did she hurt you?"

Okita didn't reply to that. Instead, he simply shook his head and prepared for another swing. "Love. Why does it hurt so? Maybe it's because we love too much and too deep that sometimes we forget to keep a little for ourselves…"

Okay. That really did not make sense. Tetsu frowned. Okita-san had a bittersweet smile on his face, and it looked like he was talking more to himself than to him. "Okita-san?"

"I don't expect you to understand, Tetsu-kun. You'll know when you get older. But just remember this: it doesn't matter what she does as long as you love her. Remember to keep telling your loved one that. Remember to make her understand."

…

She was seeing things.

The quiet sound of rustling and of water bring wrung out of cloth had woken Jarenna from her sleep, and right now Jarenna was simply staring at the young woman who had her face.

Her twin.

Tokio reached over and put a cold compress on her head with a smile. "Hello, sister."

She _definitely _was seeing things.

__

When did she get here?? "I…I'm dreaming, right?" her voice came out slightly hoarse.

The smile grew, and she even had the exact same smile Jarenna had. "Of course not! Well, at least I think you're not." Jarenna could see her eyes misting over. "I missed you, Jarenna. I missed you very much."

Despite her sickness, Jarenna felt something in her heart twist. She had missed her twin--her other half--too, and had thought about her constantly, but she felt a strange sense of distance separating them even now. Was she still the same person Jarenna had played with and loved all those years ago? Did she still remember what Tokio had been like? She didn't know. All those memories had been overshadowed by the years she'd spent as a slave, and she wasn't sure what was what anymore.

And now that her twin was here…

She was spared from saying anything more as Tokio touched her hand comfortingly. "Rest and get well, Jarenna. Then we'll talk. We have a lot to talk about, you and I…"

Feeling strangely comforted, Jarenna closed her eyes once more.

…

Okita felt his presence even before he sat down beside him. "Souji."

"What is it, Hijikata-san?"

The older man suddenly looked so much older to him, and Okita wondered if he, too, was troubled by something. His mentor hardly showed fatigue, preferring very much to put on the mask of a tireless working machine, but Okita knew better.

"Stop moping around. It's pathetic."

Okita blinked, looking up from petting Saizou. "What?"

He took a long drag of his pipe and exhaled slowly, not looking at him. "It's just a woman. It's not the end of the world."

Okita frowned, not really understanding where he was getting at. He was just taking a break before he went out patrolling again. "I'm not moping. I'm _thinking._"

"Is she even worth so much of your time?" He asked dismissively.

__

Oh. So that's it. "Hijikata-san. You're thinking about Yanagi-san again, aren't you?"

"That has nothing to do with you." He replied brusquely.

Okita stifled a grin. Whenever he acted like a bigger jerk than usual, more often than not it had to be her. "So it's not about me after all, ne? Don't worry, Hijikata-san. She'll re—"

"She's never coming back."

The younger man caught the look of sadness in his eyes and tensed slightly. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly that." Hijikata's customary mask slid back into place as he stood back up and laid a hand on Okita's shoulder. "We have more important things to worry about, Souji. Women are not everything. Even if one is gone, just look around and plenty more are ready to take her place."

"You don't mean that," he said quietly, looking at the Vice-Chief steadily, sensing the bitter undertone of his voice. Hijikata-san would never mean that, or else he would have taken another lover already and not put up with rumors that he was gay.

"You'll be surprised."

"I'll never believe that."

"Then you're a fool."

As he left, Okita stared down at Saizou and murmured. "Maybe I am, Hijikata-san, maybe I am."

…

A/N: I read up on TB and it's symptoms, and I realized that what with Jarenna's weak health constitution and all, it would probably be more likely that she'll get infected…hmmm…I don't know what to make of it yet…anyway, what do you think of the chapter? I hope I didn't make Okita look too much of a lovesick fool, 'cause Hijikata's definitely acting like a lovesick jerk.

Well, anyway, I guess that's how anyone would react when their loved one leaves you forever without a definite reason why…sigh…poor Toshi…

Jarenna seems a little whiny in here, but then again, not being a virgin in those times is equal to being a social outcast or something, and Jarenna has always had a bit of a self-esteem problem, and to top it off, she's stubborn as hell. Hmm, Okita should do something about that, which he does in the next few chapters, of which you guys shall just have to wait it out… :evil grin:

To my beloved reviewers:

****

Akayama Kaoru:

Hello again!! Always a joy replying to your reviews. :grins: And yeah, I really like your name. It sounds pretty impressive, for some reason.

But then again, Kimiko is essentially a good person, although immature at times. I mean, normal people would tend to do that too, ne? And after all, she's somewhat self-deluded, 'cause she thinks that Jarenna was the reason Okita would be like that towards her.

And yeah, I wonder if her father means it, though… :sly smirk: What do you think?

Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter!

****

Jade eyed neko:

Hey there, girl! I'm so sorry I took so long to put up the next chappie…Yeah, there definitely is a lot between Okita and Jarenna, a lot of things are keeping them apart, and the most ironic thing is that the main thing that is separating them is herself…sigh. Irony much? I am so happy you think that this is a good piece of work, haha! Thank you so very much!

****

Aznfangirl

Hey-ey!! Thanks for your review, lol. You like my story? :blushes: One of the best compliments a writer can ever get, haha. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	10. I Will Wait For You

Hello all! I know it's a freaking long time since I've updated, and I'm sorry!! ducks the assorted stuff thrown at her I've been really busy with school lately, so I haven't found the time to update, but gosh, 40 plus reviews already!! Thanks so much for your support, you guys!! Cheers!

Jarenna was dreaming.

It was her sixth birthday, and she was happy. Her mother held her in her arms and rocked her gently. Father had been yelling, about what, she didn't know, but it made her cry. And then her mother appeared and held her, whispering beautiful words and making her feel safe.

Nothing bad happened when Mama was around, and when Mama smiled, the world shone.

"Mama, I'm scared. Papa frightens me."

"Hush, my love." Her voice was like an angel's, soft and sweet. "There's nothing you should be afraid of. Mama's here, and she will protect you."

Jarenna snuggled deeper into her mother's arms and smiled. Mama was right. Nothing bad happened when she was in her arms.

"It's past your bedtime, love. Go to sleep."

"I can't sleep, Mama. I'm scared."

She felt her mother smile, and her feathery touch brush across her forehead. "Shall I sing you a song?"

She beamed. "Sing my favorite, Mama. My favorite." She loved that song. She didn't know what it meant, but everytime Mama had sung it, she always looked out the window. It was only when Mama was singing that song when her smile was the most beautiful. Mama had always said to marry a boy whom she loved with all her heart, but Jarenna supposed she would never get married, because she wanted to stay by her Mama's side all her life.

Silly girl, Mama had said fondly one rainy day. One day you will find someone who will steal your heart away, and you must follow him wherever he leads. He is your soul, as you are his. Never let anyone's wishes trap you into staying with a man you barely love. Always follow your heart and never, never be like me…

As she lay on her Mama's lap, she felt dainty fingers stroke her hair, and her mother began to sing.

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping

I stay up and think of you

And I wish on a star

That somewhere you are thinking of me too

I'll be dreaming of you tonight

Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight

And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be

Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Late at night when all the world is sleeping

I stay up and think of you

And I still can't believe that you came up to me

And said 'I love you'

I love you too.

Now I'm dreaming with you tonight

Till tomorrow and for all of my life

And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be

Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly…"

Jarenna dreamed. And in that dream, she smiled.

"I'm glad to see that you're better," Tokio beamed a few days later, wrapping a warm shawl around herself to keep warm. Winter was setting in, and snow would be expected sometime next week, or the week after.

Jarenna nodded. She'd been unceremoniously kicked out of the kitchens by Junko-san, who was adamant about not letting her do any more chores as she was a lady, after all. Jarenna had had a good mind to talk to her later, but now her mind was on her sister, as it had been for the past couple of days where Tokio had been taking care of her. "Thank you, Tokio-san."

Tokio frowned. "What's this 'Tokio-san' business? I'm your sister, remember?!"

"Gomen," Jarenna offered a small, apologetic smile. "I get carried away with manners sometimes."

Tokio watched her carefully. Her sister—younger than her by just seven minutes—seemed to be her entire opposite. Quiet, gentle, and unassuming. Then it struck her. In all her excitement in finding her long lost twin once more, she hadn't realized that she knew next to nothing about her. What was her favourite food? Colour? Any guy she liked? Did she get angry easily?

The list could go on and on, but nonetheless, she was determined to try. This was the other half of her own soul, how difficult could it be? Briefly, she remembered the time they'd spent together when they were children, playing with dolls, learning how to sew, being taught etiquette…then she had disappeared suddenly one day, and her mother had cried non-stop ever since, calling her father a beast.

Her mother died three years after. 'Suicide,' her father had said carelessly when she'd asked where her mother had gone to. At the time, Tokio did not know what suicide was, and it had been a blow to her when she finally knew what the word meant. What made her do that? More importantly, did the man who called himself her father have a hand in it somehow? An endless stream of women followed shortly after her mother's death, and she liked them even less. They were all simpering and false and vindictive. He brought them home one after another, and young as she was, she knew most of the cries from the room that they were in held no pleasure. They were more like pain or fear. Still, she had no feeling for them, because they had asked for it. And—

"Tokio? Are you all right?" Jarenna was gazing at her quizzically, wondering what had happened to make her look so angry all of a sudden.

Snapping out of her thoughts, Tokio managed a smile. "Yes, of course. I was just thinking."

"About…our parents?"

Tokio flinched and stared at her. "How did you know that?"

Jarenna looked just as mystified herself. "I-I don't know. It just occurred to me…" She peered at Tokio curiously. "Was I right?"

__

It must be a twin thing, Tokio thought, remembering the times they'd tried to read each other's minds more than ten years ago. For years after that, Tokio had desperately tried to reach out to her sister and find her using their twin link, hoping that maybe Jarenna would be found, but nothing worked. Resigned, she'd dismissed it as a naïve childhood game and never thought about it after that. But now…

"You can read my mind?" _Maybe it worked, after all, _Tokio thought, a thrill of excitement rushing through her.

Jarenna was confused. "I can't read minds. I mean—"

Tokio laughed. "We're twins, Jarenna! I heard twins sometimes have strange powers between themselves, like reading minds or feeling each other's pain. Or something."

"Oh." She paused for a moment, then asked quietly. "How is…Mother?"

Tokio stiffened at the sudden question. How should she go about it? "She is dead. Three years after you disappeared, she…passed away." She saw the pain that flared across the other girl's face and was relieved that at least she hadn't told Jarenna the whole truth. No point dredging up the past and making Jarenna feel worse. Tokio had not been very close to their Mother, so the loss hadn't affected her too much, but to see that look on Jarenna's face…

"You remember her?"

A pause. Then, "Hai. She was always singing to me." Unbidden, her mind travelled back to the dreams that she had, dreams where she almost felt her mother's loving touch, heard her beautiful lullaby that whisked her to sleep…the onslaught of memories had brought her a strange, bittersweet feeling that she savoured. And now, that would all there would ever be, memories.

She would never see her mother again.

"No use crying over something that's long past, Jarenna," Tokio said with a small smile. She knew that despite everything, it was time to repair the link between them. They had been separated for so long, who knew what the other was like anymore? "Let's just look to the future, ne? I mean, we've been separated for like what, thirteen years? We've got so much to do and talk about!"

…

By the time dinner rolled around, the two girls were conversing like old friends and by next week were virtually inseparable. It was as if Time had pulled back it's vast curtains for them and sent them back to where the separation had never happened.

Junko-san even had to arrange another futon for Tokio to sleep in because she did not want to leave her sister. The old woman didn't mind at all, and even joked that she would need a cosmic crowbar to pry them apart. Even so, she had also noticed that Jarenna looked considerably happier. Not as happy as Junko would have liked, but happier nonetheless.

And then there was that awkward first meeting with Saitou that, for the first time in a long while, that made Jarenna laugh. They were carrying trays of tea, and Tokio had run headlong into him, sending most of the tea spilling on his clothes. Tokio almost died from the embarrassment, but Saitou had assured her quietly that it was all right. And if things weren't bad enough, she tripped over him in a bid to reach for the cups, and he'd had to grab her around her waist to stop her from having an up close and personal interlude with the ground. That particular move had made Tokio's heart skip a few beats and provide ample entertainment for her younger twin, who was watching the entire thing with avid interest.

Of course, Tokio had seen Saitou Hajime before, the mystical, aloof man that captured her heart the first time she laid eyes on him at the Daimyo's residence, but it was during that fateful first meeting alone with him that Jarenna realized that Tokio's usual exuberance and confidence seemed…subdued, somehow.

The outgoing, cheery Tokio was suddenly _shy._ And that amused Jarenna all the more. On her end, she was glad that Tokio had someone she could love—it was obvious that in some way, Saitou-san had returned that interest—but a pang of jealousy would come upon her now and then, emotions that try as she might, she was unable to stop.

At least Tokio had something to offer to Saitou-san. Jarenna had nothing to give to Okita; the greatest gift a woman could ever give a man had been torn away from her.

__

If things turned out differently, she had thought wistfully on a few occasions. _If I hadn't been the one who was sold…would Okita and I be together by now?_

Then she would push the thought away, knowing that thinking about what could have been was emotionally draining and useless. What was done could not be undone, and it was up to her to make the best out of it. And at least now she had someone else to focus her attention on instead of Okita, whom she hadn't seen around much ever since she recovered from her cold, as he had been on patrols most of the time. She missed him sorely, and longed for nothing more than just to see him again, but another part of her resisted. _Out of sight, out of mind,_ her mind whispered to her, and Jarenna was determined to keep to that, because, quite frankly, she couldn't think of anything else to do.

Besides, what with making up for lost time with her sister and listening to her talk about Saitou-san and laughing at the crazy schemes Tokio had thought up to create opportunities for her and Saitou-san to talk, she didn't have the time to think about anything else.

Their father had dropped in from time to time, but the frosty reception Tokio gave him mystified Jarenna. She'd always thought that they would be somewhat close but instead, the intense dislike on Tokio's face whenever he was present was glaringly obvious, and when Jarenna asked about it, Tokio simply shook her head shortly and told her she'd tell her later. Of course, the proverbial 'later' never arrived, and Jarenna had forgotten about it, caught up in the role of playing tour guide to her curious sister and introducing her to the men. She had fit in immediately, clicking well with all the members, every inch a social butterfly she'd been trained to be.

The commendable thing was that Tokio never really flirted with them, preferring very much to just hold casual conversations and getting to know them better. Jarenna was impressed; she had never really fit in with them, much less chat up a storm and making fast friends with _all _of them in less than two hours.

Tokio had a bubbly disposition that Jarenna did not possess, amidst all the other things that made them different from each other, and yet it did not stop Tokio from looking after Jarenna with the fierceness of a lioness taking care of her cub. She knew that her twin had gone through many bad things ever since she'd been taken away—though she hadn't quite known _what_—and she was determined to make up for it by being the best sister she could ever be.

But the time came when not only their ties, but the love between Jarenna and Okita, would be tested.

…

It started out like any other day, Tokio helping Jarenna out with the chores—Junko had reluctantly agreed to let Jarenna continue to do her chores after a bout of persuasion on the latter's part—and talking about anything and everything under the sun. Tokio found out Jarenna's love for poetry and writing, and Jarenna discovered Tokio's inherent love for adventure and travelling. They were as different as night and day, and yet something inexplicable bound them closely together.

Tokio was trying to hang the clothes Jarenna had just washed when Saizou bounded towards them. He stopped for a moment and stared at the two of them, momentarily disoriented. How come there were two Girl-Pets now? Then he pounced at the one beside the washing tub. Yes, that was the first Girl-Pet.

"Saizou!" Jarenna exclaimed happily as she caught him, then turned to her twin. "Tokio, meet Saizou, Okita-san's pet pig."

"Pet pig?" Tokio had never heard of anything like that before. People kept dogs and cats and other animals as pets, but pigs? Weren't they supposed to be eaten or something?

"Don't let Okita-san hear you say that," Jarenna giggled, and Tokio realized that she'd just said her last thought out loud.

Saizou, for one, had no time for their idle conversation as he leapt out of her arms just as quickly and tugged urgently on her kimono. "Bukibuki!! Buki!"

"Saizou? What's wrong?" Well, at least the Girl-Pet was quick on the uptake, not like that little noisy ahou who thought he wanted more food.

Jarenna and Tokio followed the little pig as it scampered towards the main gates. A few moments later, the doors opened and in came a bloodied Okita followed by his men, who looked to be mildly wounded. And Okita was carrying someone in his arms. A frail, old-looking someone.

"Jarenna-san, this woman needs help." The blood didn't look like it came from him even as he hurried towards the First Aid room. Hitching her kimono up in alarm, she quickened her steps to follow him.

"What happened?"

"We chanced upon a few bandits beating up the old woman last night, and she was screaming both yours and Tokio-dono's names."

"What?" Tokio was surprised as she moved to take a closer look at the old woman who lay unconscious in Okita's arms. The old woman was covered in bruises and little specks of blood, but there was something…something…

Jarenna frowned, her eyes going distant. There was something familiar about the old woman, as if she'd seen her somewhere long, long ago. But where? And how did she know their names? Was she coming to find them before she was attacked? No use asking now. Questions would have to wait till later.

Pushing the shoji door open for Okita to enter, she ordered Tokio to fetch a bucket of water and clean bandages, of which the other girl hurried off to accomplish. As the First Squad Captain laid the woman gingerly on the ready-made futon, Jarenna busied herself with finding antiseptic and clean cloths, trying not to think about how she and Okita were alone in the room. It had been a while since she'd seen him, and the fact that she had sorely missed his presence struck her hard in that moment.

__

Just when I thought I would have a chance of forgetting he ever existed, he comes back into my life, she mused ironically, trying to put as much space between them as possible, and struggling not to think about how much she just wanted to fall into his arms and stay there.

She had retrieved the bottle of antiseptic from the shelf and was about to place it on the table when the cough came violently upon her out of nowhere. She lost her grip on the bottle, sending it crashing to the floor as she bent over, struggling to keep it under control. The intensity of this one surprised her, normally she only had mild ones during the past few days, coughs she dismissed as symptoms of the flu. Strange.

Okita was by her side immediately, concerned and worried. She sounded vaguely like him when those mysterious coughing spells hit. Could it be…? No, it couldn't be so coincidental…could it?

"Jarenna? Are you all right?" he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.

Instantaneously, she recoiled from his touch. She saw the hurt that flared in his eyes even as he took his hand away and lowered his head slightly. "Gomen."

An awkward moment passed between them before she nodded and rubbed her throat with a slight wince. "I'm fine. I guess I haven't completely recovered from that flu bout."

He frowned, immediately distracted by that statement. "It's already been two weeks."

She was so close, he knew that all he had to do was reach out and he could hold her, and yet, it seemed like they were separated by an entire ocean. He wanted her so badly that it hurt, but as long as she denied him, he would distance himself from her. He would still keep to his promise of not letting go, but he would not get closer until she allowed him to. It was just the way he was. He would not force Jarenna into doing something she was not yet ready to do.

Jarenna started to reply when she noticed the bottle lying broken on the ground, the clear liquid staining the floor, the strong smell of medicine permeating the room.

Her face fell. "Oh, no. It's the last bottle I've got!" The old woman needed attention as soon as possible, and that meant making sure that her cuts weren't infected, but now that it was gone…

"I'll get it." Okita offered, already moving towards the exit.

She stood up. "No, it's all right. I'll just go and—"

His voice was gentle and light as always, as if nothing had happened between them. "You'll do no such thing, Jarenna. She needs attention, and you shouldn't be running around in the cold so much. I'll be back soon."

__

He cares for me, she realized with a jolt even as he pulled open the shoji door. _No matter how much I try to push him away, he cares for me. _He was the first man who had ever truly done so, and she stared after him, not knowing how to react. He'd done so many things for her and had never once complained. _You know that I love you, Okita-san. And right now, that will be enough. I am sorry, but it has to be all there is to it._

As he headed out, Jarenna suddenly called out. "Okita-san?"

He turned. "Yes?"

At his gaze, she faltered for a moment before deciding that what she wanted to say to him was unnecessary, and tried another tack. "Arigato."

He said nothing as he left.

…

"Will she be all right?" Tokio asked as she crouched beside her twin, watching her tend to the old woman, cleaning up the wounds. She'd had a good few cuts, and thankfully most of them were relatively shallow, although the same could not be said for her fractured left wrist. Jarenna did the best she could for the old woman, but considering her old age and everything…it worried her.

"She will," Jarenna replied as she dipped the cloth into the basin and rinsed it, washing out all the dirt, blood, and grime. The old woman had obviously been wandering for days, and from the looks of it, had not had a decent day's meal for a while.

Tokio looked at the old woman closely, her eyes narrowing. "Ne, Jarenna…do you think she looks familiar?"

She glanced at her sister. So she thought the same way too? "Hai. It's like…I know her from somewhere. But I just can't remember _where,_ exactly."

__

Even Jarenna remembers her too? That means…Then Tokio remembered, and she stared down at the old woman in shock. "Natsumi-san?"

"Nani?"

Yes, it was her. She was so much thinner now, and the lines that creased on that darkened face was a far cry from the jolly old woman that had once served as her mother's maid…Tokio was sure that that was her. "Natsumi-san used to be Mother's maid," she explained half-heartedly, her mind whirling more on _why_ she was calling out their names and why she was in Kyoto. It was all so strange. "But when Mother died, she was never seen again. Rumor had it that she had hung herself down by the river…"

Once again, Jarenna used the towel to wipe gently at the old woman's face, her expression thoughtful yet mildly wary. "But…why is she here? And why did she call our names?"

Tokio shook her head, as bewildered as she was. "I don't know, Jarenna. Maybe—"

She was cut off as the shoji door slid open and Okita entered with a small brown paper bag. He nodded to Tokio and then turned to Jarenna. "Here's the antiseptic. How is she holding up?"

She nodded and took the bag, taking out the bottle. "Thank you, Okita-san. She's doing fine, I think, but it's going to take awhile for that fractured wrist to heal. And at her age…" She worried her lip, looking down at the woman. "She's been through a lot."

Tokio watched as a strange expression crossed Okita's face. It was a strange sort of look, like sadness and wanting at the same time, and she briefly wondered if there was anything going on between them she did not know about. He was a very handsome man, Okita Souji. _No wonder most of the women have a thing for him, _she mused. He had that boyish, innocent look about him, and what with the way he looked right now, Tokio found herself unable to believe that he was the same person almost everyone in Kyoto feared.

She kept silent as they spoke further, and she could feel the sexual tension almost crackling between them. Kami it was so _obvious_ the Captain of the First Squad had something going on for her, and the same was going on with Jarenna, but for some reason they were vaguely distant, and Jarenna sounded mildly…guarded somehow. The space between them seemed loaded, as if there were so much things both needed to say to each other but had barely managed to push them back.

It was all very strange.

__

Note to self, ask Jarenna about him later. For now, she had to stop playing gooseberry. As intrigued as she was with the chemistry between them, she had the presence of mind to try to leave them alone.

Rising to her feet, she moved towards the door. "I'll just go and inform the kitchens to make broth for Natsumi-san."

Before any one of them could protest, she had already disappeared, leaving Jarenna and Okita, once again, alone. After an awkward pause, Okita finally spoke. "Natsumi-san?"

"Hai. She used to serve my mother before she disappeared after her death." Well, at least that was what Tokio had said. There were many things she couldn't really remember anymore.

Well, one question answered. Just a hundred more to go. The silence between them was unnerving, and Okita hadn't remembered a time when something like that had stretched between them. They had always been comfortable with each other and spoke their minds, but now…it was as if the rift between them stretched even longer. He hated it.

He stepped towards the shoji door, finding nothing else to say. "I have to go."

She bowed slightly, wanting to stop him, wanting to just stay for just a moment more. There was so much she wanted to say and do, but it was all an impossible dream. Maybe it was better that he left. Maybe that way, it would spare her the heartache it was causing her now. "Hai."

He opened the door, looked out, then paused. "Jarenna."

She looked up. He had that tone again, the tone he used just before he kissed her a little more than two weeks ago. "Hai?"

His head was lowered, and still he wasn't looking at her. "I'll be waiting." The hand on the shoji door clenched. "No matter how long it takes, Jarenna, I'll wait for you."

And then he left, with Jarenna staring for a long time at the spot where he once stood.

…

Kimiko glared, barely suppressing her rage. That little rat, saying that there was nothing between them! Jarenna was such a liar, stealing Okita-san away from her in the most underhanded way possible! She kept silent as she saw Okita step out. His back was to her, and she was barely ten feet away. Tucking herself further in the hopes that he would not realize that she was there, her breath caught as he suddenly spoke.

"You can come out now, Kimiko-san." His voice was flat and unemotional, and she wondered if he knew that she had listened in to almost the entire conversation. Jarenna's sister had almost sensed her presence when she had walked by earlier, and it was only Kimiko's quick thinking that allowed her to slip within the shadows and prevented her from being caught.

Feeling her pulse race, she stepped out from her hiding place. No sense still hiding when she was already caught. It was now or never. "Okita-sama, why do you waste your time? She's always like this. Have you forgotten what I told you? She's—"

Okita stared straight at her, his eyes uncharacteristically icy. Kimiko froze; she had never seen him like that before, not even during those times when he caught her following him, and that look on his face frightened her. He looked so feral, so cold and unforgiving, and it was then that Kimiko realized that this was a man fully capable of killing anyone who crossed him.

This man was a killer.

She shuddered.

"I understand where you're coming from, Kimiko-san, but backstab Jarenna anymore and I will not be courteous in dealing with you. If you think turning me against Jarenna will make me love you, then I'm afraid you are dreadfully wrong."

Kimiko stared, too stunned to say anything in her defense. "I—"

He was already gone.

Kimiko crumpled to her knees, both of which had gone suddenly weak. Okita-sama had never spoken to anyone like that before, and now…

Now it seemed like she was the enemy. Kimiko closed her eyes, feeling the tears spring to her eyes, hot and stinging. She hated this, hated everything that came between her and Okita-sama, hated the things she had to do to try to get him, and—

"You're never going to be able to get him, you know."

At the sound of the quiet voice, Kimiko's head snapped up, her eyes focusing on the man who stood just in front of her, dark, closed-off eyes looking down at her.

Yamazaki Susumu.

…

When Tokio returned, she saw Jarenna going about taking care of Natsumi, moving with a fluid grace that she found herself subconsciously wanting to emulate. And the healing…she'd seen enough doctors to know that Jarenna was skilled in that area.

"I thought he'd stay a while longer," she commented as she entered.

Jarenna shook her head. "Okita-san had to go back to patrol, Tokio. He's not as free as either of us."

Tokio noted the sad expression on her face and put down the two steaming bowls of miso soup Junko had made her take for the two of them. "Jarenna? What's the matter?"

Jarenna casually tucked back an errant lock of hair and capped the bottle. "Nothing. Why?"

"There's a reason why we're twins, you know. And you look sad."

Jarenna was about to shoot back that they had only really known each other for a couple of weeks and what did she know, but tamped it down as soon as it occurred to her, a flare of guilt and shame banishing the thought straightaway. She knew Tokio meant well, and they were sisters, after all, not just friends. It didn't matter how long they knew each other, right? No matter how long they spent apart, blood was still thicker than water.

"I'm just…tired, that's all."

Tokio squinted. "I'm thinking you need a few lessons in the fine art of lying. Even a child would be able to see through you."

"I—"

"Now, tell me what's going on."

Jarenna blinked at the brisk tone in Tokio's voice. "What?"

"Don't play dumb, Jarenna. Even a blind person can see what's going on between you and Okita Souji. You're a lucky girl, you know. Do you know how desirable he is? And it turns out that you're the only one that gets his attention."

Jarenna frowned. "Don't tell me you like Okita-san."

Tokio rolled her eyes. "Of course not! I'm betrothed to Saitou-san, remember? He's all I would ever want." A dreamy look entered her eyes before she shook herself. "Anyway, let's get back. It's obvious that the man is crazy about you and vice versa. So why are the two of you still stalling? What's the matter?"

"Tokio, let's talk about this another day, ne?"

"You love him, don't you?"

"It's not ab—"

"Talk to me, Jarenna. Don't shut people out."

Jarenna stared at her sister for a long moment, wondering if she should tell her. Well, Tokio was her twin sister after all, and she needed to tell someone, or else she would go crazy. Then she took a breath and spoke. "Yes. I love him. But to be together will be impossible."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not good enough for him."

Tokio frowned. Why was she saying that? "Not good enough? Why? Did he say that?"

"No. It's just…" she dipped her hands into the clean basin, for more of a distraction than anything, because she didn't know what to say next. "I just…I'm not even a virgin anymore. No man would want a whore for a wife." Her eyes were lowered.

__

Not a virgin? How could Jarenna not be a virgin?? Tokio was alarmed. She took her sister's hands and held them in her own. "Tell me, Jarenna. Tell me everything."

And so she did.

…

Tokio sat back, stunned. It was too horrific, too awful to be true. _No, it cannot be…_she stared at her sister in horror, unable to believe that it was true, and yet, she knew Jarenna told no lies. _How could she still stay so calm??_

It could be said that Takagi Tokio, despite her father's disgusting habits concerning women, had lived a more or less sheltered life, and the fact that such things happened, and especially to someone like her twin, it was bound to shatter a few illusions she had grown up with.

"Don't feel sorry for me," Jarenna said with an uncharacteristic edge in her voice as she stood up with the basin. If it was one thing she hated, it was having people feel sorry for her. She told her story to Tokio in the hopes that she would understand where she was coming from, not pity her.

It was Tokio's turn to be speechless. How could she _not _feel sorry for her sister? She had gone through so much, and yet…"I can't believe something like this…I mean…"

Jarenna smiled, a sad, weary smile. "There are a lot of things you don't know yet, Tokio. Things I wish that you will never know. Now do you understand why I refuse to be with Okita? He deserves someone better, someone who isn't as dirty as I am."

"Why are you talking like that, Jarenna? None of those were your fault!" She seemed like a different person altogether, tired and sad and unable to find a way out of the hell she had trapped herself in.

"Because that's the way it is. Sometimes the world is not as kind as to offer you a chance to regain what you've lost."

"Sometimes you only have to _look._"

"It's not that simple."

"Then make it that simple! I don't want you to wallow in despair all your life, Jarenna. That'll mean that those bastards won! They've won over your body, and now they've won over your mind, too!!" Tokio burst out. She understood that she would never truly know how Jarenna felt, but she knew enough to know that to keep fighting was your only chance of survival. If the opponent won you by force, she knew never to surrender her soul. Her father, through countless beatings, had taught her that painful lesson.

A painful lesson Jarenna had yet to learn. In that moment, Tokio realized that there was one characteristic the two of them shared; the same cursed streak of stubbornness. _Kami, of all things we have to be the same in…!!_

Jarenna was about to reply when a groan issued from Natsumi. The argument forgotten, both girls whirled around to see what the matter was.

"She's coming to," Jarenna noted, hurrying to the old woman's side, grateful for the distraction. The old woman was stronger than she'd thought, considering that she had expected Natsumi to be unconscious for a couple more days at the least.

…

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A/N: I know, Selena's song does not even remotely belong in this era, but let's just pretend it is, yeah? Bear with me, 'cause I really, really love that song! Well then, now comes the fun part. This is for all my lovely reviewers who took a few minutes of their time to give me their comments!

Cheers, you all!

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Jade-neko: LOL, I will continue updating, don't worry! And yeah, kind of bittersweet sometimes, innit? So many things for them to say, but they can't find the words…sigh. Thanks so much for reading my story, haha.

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Rikki: Whoa, lengthy comment there! Loved it, =) Thanks for reviewing my story so kindly, mucho appreciated! LOL, actually I didn't know WHY it was Jarenna, too, but it came to me one day, and so I decided to put it in, and Jarenna sounded like a gentle name…and yeah, I guess Kimiko can get a little immature sometimes, but I guess that's all she really is, immature. And yep! I really hope that you liked this chapter, too! Cheers!

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Ione-girl: Hey! Wow, I am so flattered by your reviews. You want to do a manga on it?? ::stunned:: Gosh, I would be really, really honored that you would even think of doing that!! Gosh, by all means, I guess! Thanks for reading my stories, I've read your Aiko one, and it's pretty cool, too. LOL, a beautifully binded couple, huh? I've never really thought about it that way…

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Nikita: You think so too, huh? LOL I think they're pretty cute together, too!

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Akayama Kaoru: Hey girl! ::HUG:: What's up? Yeah, it's not like Okita can help being foolish, yeah? But I guess Hijikata is showing his grief in the best way he knows how, methinks, and he's more than a tad jealous that at least Okita's love is still in front of him and living and all…Maybe I should bring Yanagi back so he'd be less mean to Oki-chan. Hmm…Gosh, thanks for reviewing all my chapters! You've been there for as long as I could remember, and so, thanks so much!! But Jarenna…sigh…yes, she's got TB…It's evil, ne? But what can I do?

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Aznfangurl: Yep, it's updated already. Check it out!

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Angel of the Deceased: Hey-ey! Wow, on author alert list? ::BIG SMILE:: Kewl. And of course Jarenna and Okita will get together in the end! It's been an emotional roller coaster ride, and besides, it's a LOVE story, lol. And of course, they will never be separated from each other in the end! Hmm, that's a very nice ending, though. I like it! But…the real ending will be a secret… ::giggles:: Shhh. And of course, for you, I've put in darling Susumu! And I've decided to write him a love story, too! All for you!

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Oberon: Hey there! Thanks for reading and taking the time to review my latest chapter. Okita's funny, huh? Hmm, sometimes he gets that way, methinks. And yep, Souji's already covering his illness, but I don't think he really knows it yet. He knows what's wrong with him, but he doesn't think that it's potentially fatal yet, which is why he kissed Jarenna the way he did…

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Hyper-Sloth: Ooh, so glad to hear from you again! Yep, a brand new update! I hope you enjoyed it!

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Maggie: Konnichiwa, Maggie!! ::waves:: You think Jarenna and Souji are perfect for each other? Thanks!! There are a couple of straight Okita pairings out there too, though, but only a few…Hmm, maybe we should just start a Straight Okita club or something, LOL. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as you did the previous ones!

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Night-Owl 123: Hey there! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, too!

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Swtlilkokoro: Hey! Of course I'll keep updating! ::eyes katana warily:: I will not let anyone of you down, ne? Thanks for thinking so highly of the story!

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	11. Pain

Hello!! It's about freaking time I uploaded this chapter, eh? Anyway, this story is specially dedicated to **Ione-girl, **who drew a lovely, lovely page full of Okita/Jarenna pics just for me! And also to Kaori Akayama—What was it you said about not changing your name again?—for being a super-sweet reviewer, and also **I'm Trouble **and **Jade-eyed Neko** for being my faithful reviewers, I love you guys!

…

If Kimiko hadn't seen him occasionally raise the tea cup to his lips, she would've thought that Yamazaki Susumu was some kind of statue or something. She had been in this teahouse for approximately forty-five minutes, and he had not said a word since he found her on the floor.

It had been very embarrassing, that, but at least the guy had enough decency to _not_ talk about it.

__

Though, really, why can't he just say SOMETHING? The silence is so unnerving.

Indeed it was. The faint sounds of conversations carried on all around them outside, and it seemed like the room was just an independent bubble of silence. For Kimiko, who was pretty much fun-loving and liking noise, it was something short of sheer torture.

Finally, unable to help herself, she spoke, breaking the silence. "Why did you bring me here?"

Calmly, he glanced up at her, and took his time answering. "It would be better if Okita doesn't see you around for a little while."

Kimiko frowned, puzzled. Yamazaki Susumu wasn't one who really bothered with the goings-on at the headquarters, especially personal affairs and everything. This was very much unlike him. "Why would you care?"

His answer was simple and curt. "I don't."

"Why did you bring me here, then? Tell me the real reason."

He fixed her with a steady gaze, his eyes impenetrable as always. He was always a mysterious one, this Yamazaki Susumu. "To know."

She was reaching the end of her patience. "To know what?"

"Why you do the things you do."

She bristled. "What business is it of yours, Inspector?"

"When you deliberately try to disturb the peace, it is."

Kimiko was disgusted. "This is about Jarenna, isn't it? Don't tell me you're in love with that simpering—"

"Why must everything be about her?"

"I don't know!" Kimiko said exasperatedly, throwing her hands up. "I mean, you tell me. You're this aloof, sullen guy who just sits in his room all day doing kami-knows-what and then suddenly you bring me here and expect me to give you answers to my behavior? What is wrong with this situation?"

__

Indeed, Susumu thought wryly. Everything was wrong with this situation. When he was not outside collecting information, he would lock himself up in the room, quietly meditating, but when he had chanced upon a crying Kimiko, something in him just…well, just tugged. And before he knew it, he had brought her here. Maybe it was because he had been noticing her for a good long while now. Or maybe…he didn't know.

It was a highly unpleasant feeling, not knowing what he was really doing. When he had seen her on the ground, tears spilling down porcelain cheeks, all he had wanted to do in that insane instant was to comfort her. It was all he could do to not take her in his arms and hold her.

He saw her efforts to win Okita's heart, had understood her heartbreak when it was patently obvious he only had eyes for that Yukijurou girl, watching her childish, clumsy attempts to try to win his heart even though he was taken…she had spirit, which was so unlike any other girl—woman—he had ever seen.

Maybe that was why she had captured his attention in the first place.

"I will tell you nothing," he said, his tone indifferent. It wasn't like he could explain anything to her. Heck, he didn't even know, himself. It had all been on the spur of the moment, something which he still had trouble getting used to. "Finish the tea."

Kimiko cocked her head at him. "You are one very strange person, you know."

"What I am is none of your business, I believe."

Kimiko steamed.

"He's not going to love you, you know."

Kimiko stiffened, her teacup frozen midway. "What?"

How could anyone be so unfeeling? The guy didn't even bat an eye when he repeated his earlier sentence. "Okita Souji. He's not going to love you."

She glared at him. "Look, this is none of your business, all right? I love him, and one day he'll see that he'll be better off with me."

Susumu was unruffled, taking in the look of anger in her eyes. It was foolish, what she was doing. Why waste time on someone who would never return your feelings? Then he shrugged. "We'll see."

Maybe this would prove to be amusing.

"Natsumi-san!" The both of them cried out in alarm at the same time even as Jarenna hurried to the old woman's side, wanting to help her back into the futon where she could rest.

As soon as the old woman had come to, she had taken one look at them, whispered their names, and kowtowed to them, sobbing. The two girls had been stunned for a moment, not expecting anything like this at all, but Jarenna had recovered quickly, her nursing instincts taking over as she tried to make the old woman lie down.

"You must rest, Natsumi-san, don't do that!"

Natsumi gripped Jarenna's wrist with her unhurt hand and stared up at her, an almost wild light in her eyes. "Forgive me, my ladies!! Forgive your wayward servant!"

"Natsumi-san, what are you talking about?" Tokio, who was on Natsumi's other side asked, confused at her words. The look in her eyes was so intense and searing, full of pain and sadness and guilt. What had she done? All she remembered was that just after her mother's death, Natsumi had disappeared.

The woman was sobbing loudly now, her hold on Jarenna's hand tightening. "I've found you at last…" she rocked back and forth. "I've found the two of you at last…at last…"

Gently, Jarenna touched her hand and mustered a smile, having no idea what the old woman was talking about, but finding the need to reassure her nonetheless. "Yes, you've found us. Now get some rest."

She shook her head violently, her eyes wide and searching. "Iie! I need to tell you—"

"You can tell it to us later, Natsumi-san," Jarenna replied kindly as she helped the old woman lie back down and pulled the covers back up. "You need to recuperate. We'll still be here when you wake up."

"Go and get some rest, Tokio," Jarenna said softly as Tokio nodded off for the second time. They were both still in the First Aid room, watching over Natsumi, who had fallen into a deep slumber. It was already deep in the night, the only sound being the slow, steady sound of the old woman's breathing. The room glowed a gentle gold, but the only true warmth came from the hot water compresses that Tokio had specially made.

"I will if you do," Tokio replied, edging closer to her sister in order to share the blanket. Jarenna huddled next to her gratefully, sharing her warmth.

"I can't. What if something happens to her in the middle of the night?"

"Then I'll accompany you."

"You're tired."

Tokio raised her chin, stubborn. "So are you."

Jarenna stared at her for a long moment, at the face that was identical to her own, and the stubbornness that was not unfamiliar to her. Then she smiled. "So that's what it's like dealing with me."

"What?"

"Seems like we share a stubborn streak, Tokio."

She laughed softly, nodding. "Seems like we do."

There was a short silence between them before Tokio finally said. "He loves you, you know."

Jarenna stiffened. "We've been over this already." Her voice was tight. She did not want to go through this again.

"Now you're being stupid."

"Society has no place for a woman like me."

"We're not talking about society. We're talking about Okita Souji. The man you barely take your eyes off whenever he's around."

"I don't—"

"Liar."

Jarenna bristled at her words. "Don't act like you know everything, Tokio. The fact is you don't. I don't tell you how to live your life. You don't tell me how to live mine."

Hurt flashed in the Tokio's eyes, but she refused to break contact. "I may not know everything, but I know enough to see that you've got Okita-san's heart in your hands, and yet you want to throw that away just because you're afraid of what his love, your love can do. And you go making these kinds of excuses hoping that he, and other people will buy it so they'll leave you alone. Well, here's a fact, Jarenna. The thing is that you don't run away from things. They will always come right back at you. And where will you be then? What are you going to do? Make more excuses?" Tokio knew that she was harsh, but there was no choice. Jarenna had to see.

"I'm your sister, Jarenna. And believe it or not, I love you, and I care, which is why I'm here talking to you like that. I know that for most of your life, you've never known love, but all that's going to change. I'm here."

Jarenna stared at her sister for a long moment, and Tokio stared right back, her eyes alight with determination. Then Tokio spoke, her voice soft. "I don't want to see you hurting, Jarenna. And I know neither does Okita-san."

At that, Jarenna turned away and got to her feet. Suddenly she didn't want to hear any more of this. "I'm going out for a walk."

"Want me to come along?"

She shook her head, her smile strained. "It's all right, I'm just walking around the compound. I need to be by myself for a little while. Will you be all right staying with Natsumi-san?"

"Of course."

Jarenna had hurt her sister, that much was obvious. It was something that she never wanted to do, but when her sister had called her a liar…

__

It's true, isn't it? Her mind taunted.

__

So what?

The entire courtyard was dark and empty even as she walked, and not a sound came from the pig pen. The night crept steadily towards morning, though the place was still entirely silent. The birds had already gone, seeking warmer places to live in. Absently, she drew the book Okita gave her out of her kimono sleeve. The weight of it felt comforting in her hands, and it seemed like he was right there with her. The pages were already well-thumbed, but was far from falling apart; she treated it as if it was worth the world.

Because, she supposed, in more ways than one, it did.

It was too dark for her to even read, but that was all right. She just needed the silent comfort of his gift. It was something that he had picked out, had bought for her. It had a little of himself in it, too.

What she saw next made her pause.

The Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata Toshizou, was seated on a stone seat in the middle of the garden, a book and brush laid out before him on the stone table, just next to a glowing lamp. A curl of smoke coiled up into the night air, and the faint smell of tobacco reached her nostrils. Jarenna couldn't really make out his features, but it was obvious that he was deep in thought.

__

That's surprising, she thought. _Hijikata-sama always does his planning in his room. Why is he out here, and so late at night, too?_

She decided to turn around and leave him alone. It wasn't like she could go up to him and ask him what he was doing. He was the unspoken boss around here, and servants didn't generally ask their employers what they were doing in the dead of the night.

"Sit down." He snapped.

Jarenna stopped, not knowing whether he was speaking to her or not. He sounded like his usual brusque self, but something was…off. She turned around awkwardly. "Me?"

He looked straight at her and nodded coolly. "I don't see anyone else around."

__

What does he want with me? She wondered as she acquiesced. The stone was like ice beneath her, and she fought not to shift. The flickering candle-light made him look…sterner, somehow, the chiselled features of his face more pronounced, and he was just looking at her.

After a few moments of this, she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Did you need something, Hijikata-sama?"

His dark eyes did not move away from hers, and the intense look in them made her even more uneasy. It was like she was something that was put on display.

__

What is it about you, Toshizou thought, observing the woman before him thoughtfully. _What is it about you that makes Souji fall at your feet? What is it about women, they who make men utterly helpless in their devotion to them?_

Of course, he knew she held no answers for him. Perhaps this was one of the questions that lacked a definite answer, something which did not sit well with him. He hated not knowing anything.

He took a long drag out of his pipe, mildly impressed that she had managed to keep eye contact with him. Not many people, men and especially women, could do that. She had the bearing of a lady but was surprisingly bereft of the pride that came with it, and slowly, he was beginning to understand why Souji would like her. Whereas other women would fill in the oppressive silence with inane chatter, she invited conversation with her calm silence.

And as much as he hated thinking about it, he knew he needed the company. In the daytime, he could busy himself with strategies, and observing the men, and all other thoughts would be pushed out of his mind. In the serenity of the night, it was when everything would come flooding back to him. Everything, for most part, meaning Yanagi.

He could never, would never accept that she was gone. Not when she had been such a large part of his life for so long. It was so much better simply not knowing where, exactly, she was than knowing for sure that she was truly gone.

Maybe that was why he had called her here; he needed a distraction.

"Your works are commendable."

Jarenna paused for a moment, then carefully said, "My…works?"

"Your poetry. I have read them."

Jarenna blinked. This was definitely not what she had expected. Oni no Fukuchou, telling her that her poems were good? She resisted the urge to pinch herself, to see if she had inadvertently fallen asleep while walking. This was simply unbelievable. She had heard talk that Hijikata Toshizou was actually more or less a poet at heart—in her opinion, it was more likely in his most deepest heart of hearts—but to actually talk to him now…it was unnerving. She had never once spoken directly to him before, and quite frankly neither did he.

But then again, how _had_ he managed to actually read her poems? The only one she had ever shown them to was—

He sensed her unspoken question. "Junko-san only had high praises for them."

__

So that's how he knew. "Oh. I…thank you." Then, deciding to go for it, she asked. "Do you write poems, too?"

She knew he spewed extremely bad haiku on a regular basis—if Okita's accounts were to be believed—but really, haiku, like poems, were just an expression of the soul. To be honest, she had never expected Hijikata Toshizou to even take an interest in it.

He looked mildly taken-aback at the question—obviously no one had asked him that before—before he nodded, slightly less brusquely than before. "Haiku. I write whenever I'm in the mood."

The thought of the Oni no Fukuchou being all sentimental unnerved her slightly, but then again, he was still human, after all.

Jarenna gestured to the stationery on the table. "Were you writing just now?"

"Aa."

She smiled, turning to look at the night sky. It was surprisingly clear tonight, and the stars were shining through brilliantly. "Of course. It's a beautiful night."

"It's a pity no one else is up to enjoy it." He took another long drag of his pipe. Well, at least holding a halfway decent conversation with the girl was not as unpleasant as he thought it would be.

"That's what makes it special, doesn't it?" she murmured, her focus on the sky. Apparently she was comfortable enough with him to relax. "The dark sacred night, silent in it's passing. The day is meant to be enjoyed. The night, savoured by those who truly know how to appreciate it."

"That is true," he conceded, glancing up at the sky. It was then that he saw another side of the night. It was not only meant as a cloak for espionage, for getting rid of enemies who threatened their safety, but it was something full of mystery and wonder and peace…he understood why Yanagi had loved it so much, even though it was her gift and curse.

__

Where are you now, Yanagi? He thought, his gaze never leaving the darkened heavens. _Where are you?_

Tokio carefully dabbed a cold compress over the old woman's forehead, stifling a sigh. It was obvious why Jarenna had decided to go for a walk, and at this time, too. Once again, she'd obviously said something she shouldn't have. And here she thought that sisters never had conflicts before. She'd been so eager to meet her twin, her other half, and had thought that they would get along superbly.

__

But now…

She was beginning to realize that her twin was just another person, too, not just an extension of her own soul. And they were as different as night and day. Of course, she loved Jarenna with all her heart and was eager to compensate for the years that they'd spent apart, but the distance between them never seemed farther right now.

__

Does she resent me? she thought absently. Their plights were totally different, too, and from what Jarenna had told her earlier…she shuddered. But Jarenna, from what she knew, was not capable of holding a grudge for long, was she?

Getting to her feet, she replaced the cold compress and adjusted the covers on Natsumi-san before heading towards the shoji door.

Pulling it open, she gazed outside. It was silent and empty, slightly eerie, even. Feeling a chill work down her spine, she pulled her shawl closer around her.

__

I need to take a walk. Feeling suddenly restless, she cast a backward glance at the peacefully asleep Natsumi-san. Deciding that she probably would not be needing anything for the next few minutes, the young woman carefully exited and shut the door silently behind her.

…

She didn't know where Jarenna had gone to; there was no sign of her anywhere. But then again, Tokio hadn't really looked. She supposed her sister needed the space.

__

Outside it is, then. She decided. Walking around in the Shinsengumi compound would most likely drive her nuts; she very much preferred to walk outdoors.

Even as she reached the large gates, a soft, low voice beside her made her jump. "Allow me to escort you, Lady Takagi."

Whirling around, she was face-to-face with the one person she had been trying hard to get the attention of. "Saitou-sama!!"

The man looked pretty much bored with the world as usual, but there was a mild twinkle in his dark eyes that sent her heart skipping.

He nodded slightly. "It's not safe for a woman to venture out alone at this time of night."

"Well, I—um…I…" Great. She had suddenly turned into a gibbering idiot. There was just _something_ about this tall, dark and mystical samurai warrior that never failed to render her temporarily senseless. Which was pretty bad, since he had the propensity to turn up in the strangest of places. "How—how did you know I'm here?"

A ghost of a smile flickered across his face, pale in the darkness. "Oh, just my sixth sense."

Tokio stared at him strangely. It was widely rumored that the Third Squad Captain of the Shinsengumi was very much psychic and could commune with the spirit world. So it was true, then? "Are you psychic?"

__

Great. Good time for my bluntness to show. "I'm sorry if it sounded blunt, Saitou-sama—"

"Hajime."

Tokio was startled. "What?"

"Call me Hajime. After all, we are to be husband and wife, are we not?" there was a hint of amusement in his smooth voice.

Despite the warm flush that had risen to her cheeks, Tokio nodded. "Well, no more 'Lady Takagi', too. My name is Tokio."

It was strange, walking down deserted streets with the man she'd had an instant attraction to. He did not speak much, but he was attentive. When he did speak, it was mildly morbid and strange, but it was just fine with her; Tokio was sick of men who were terribly full of themselves. And there was a sense of safety walking around with him. It was like they could be besieged by a thousand bandits and she knew that he would keep her safe.

She'd tried to walk behind him the way a normal woman would, but he would always quietly step by her side, the twinkle in his eyes a little more pronounced.

It was a wonderful feeling, walking beside him, and the only thought Tokio had in her mind was whether she was in love with him.

It was early afternoon even as Jarenna hurried about, struggling to keep her sleepiness at bay. She had barely gotten three hours of sleep last night thanks to Hijikata-sama. They had spoken at length about poetry, and she was surprised to know that he wasn't as bad as the men had said. She even had the fortune of reading a couple of haiku. And…well…

__

They're not all bad, she thought, _not in the strictest sense of the word._

It had been pretty funny, though she supposed Hijikata-sama had not meant for them to be that way. So she carefully kept a neutral expression and told him that it was…interesting—which, really, wasn't the most astute word to describe it. To laugh out loud would definitely reflect badly on her emotional intelligence, so she kept her laughter at bay. It was so ironic, Hijikata-sama, a genius in the battlefield and all sorts of strategies, writing such…amateurish…haiku.

She hadn't thought that he would actually show something like that to her, considering his past record of obsessively keeping his haiku book under wraps—she supposed it was because Okita-san had nicked it and refused to return the book to him for a good few days—but then again, from poet to poet, there was nothing to hide, especially your works. They even had a discussion on the seasons. Although he still had been mildly brusque and distant—it was something Jarenna had already long considered his nature—it was still pretty interesting. He actually made sense, but unfortunately, the same could not be said for his haiku.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. Natsumi was still fast asleep, Tokio was back in her own room at Jarenna's behest, sleeping—Jarenna had seen her entering the Shinsengumi compound half an hour after sunrise with Saitou-sama and was dying to ask her what had happened between them, because Tokio had a strange smile on her face and Saitou-sama looked…well, like he normally would, but more relaxed.

But Tokio had been sleepy when she came in, so Jarenna would have to put off asking her about them until later.

The weather was surprisingly pleasant today, too, the temperature having risen a good few degrees so she was just about comfortable in her kimono and a thick shawl. Humming a soft song under her breath, Jarenna was carrying the tray of steaming miso to Natsumi's room when the thundering sound of pounding feet startled her.

Before she knew it, the tray was upturned, and the droplets of soup scalded her skin. Luckily, she had jumped back fast enough so that most of the liquid did not spill on her. "Itai…!!"

The two offending figures, one she recognized as Sanosuke and the other as Heisuke, disappeared around the corner.

"Gomen, Yukijurou-san!" The voice whom she recognized as Shinpachi's sounded as he halted momentarily, glancing over at her, concerned. "Are you all right?"

She nodded. "I'm fine. What's the hurry?"

Shinpachi looked at her as if she was insane. "Don't you know? Tetsu's getting his ass whomped by Okita!"

"What?"

He shrugged, looking more worried than she'd ever seen him, which was a very bad thing. "They've been going at it for a good long while now. I don't know what's gotten into that guy to be so murderous. It's not like they've been sparring for the first time."

"Nagakura-san, what do you mean?" By now, alarm bells were ringing in her head. _Not like the guy to be so murderous?_ It had to be Okita-san.

Shinpachi looked straight at her. "What I mean, Yukijurou-san, is that we've got to do serious damage control before Okita kills him. It seems like he's very serious this time. He's already sent two of the men to be treated. I've never seen him so furious before."

Jarenna's blood froze. _Very serious? _What was wrong with Okita-san? She knew that no one had wanted to spar with him because of his inability to tamper his strength according to the situation, but this was just strange. _Furious? _When had Okita ever looked furious?

Before she could question Shinpachi any further, though, the diminutive man was already gone. Frowning, Jarenna followed.

She had to see what was going on.

The sound of a shinai thwacking hard on armour reached her even before she was within thirty feet of the dojo. The frantic sounds of the men who were watching disturbed her. It was obvious no one wanted to jump into the line of fire, so to speak. Okita was as lethal with the shinai as he was with the katana, which made him very dangerous, indeed. Hastening her pace, she weaved in through the crowd even as they parted to let her pass, obviously thinking that she was probably here for medical aid.

"Don't go too close now, Yukijurou-san," Heisuke said quietly beside her even as she made her way to the front. How he had managed to join her she didn't know, but she didn't care for that at the moment. All that mattered was the awful sight in front of her.

There were droplets of blood on the wooden floors. Tetsu, in full armour, had gotten to his feet shakily, and she could see blood on his face. His face was fierce, eyes filled with an unshakable determination, and Okita…

One look at him frightened her, and at the same time, filled her with the terrible knowledge that if no one stepped in soon, Tetsu _would_ die. Okita stalked forward, shinai at the ready, looking for all the world like a wolf stalking his prey. His eyes, his eyes were shard of purple ice…

The eyes of a murderer.

__

Okita-san… what are you doing? she thought desperately, gazing at the tableau before her. It was horrifying, but the boy was still standing. But not, she realized, for long. What had Tetsu done to make Okita so angry? What had happened?

"Okita-san!" she shouted. "Please stop!!"

It was as if the two combatants were in a world of their own. Okita didn't even recognize her voice. She tried again, louder this time. "Stop, please!! You'll kill him, Okita-san!!!!"

"They cannot hear you," Heisuke said again. "They're away in their own battle. They're not only fighting each other anymore. They're fighting themselves, too."

"I don't believe there isn't a way to get through to them," she snapped, then shouted again, and this time it was much louder. "OKITA!! STOP!! STOP IT!!!"

She could've been talking to the wall for all the response she'd gotten from any of them.

And then Okita pounced.

A sickening 'crack' sound, and Tetsu was flung almost ten feet to the floor with a loud thud that horrified Jarenna. What in the name of Kami-sama was Okita doing? Was he trying to kill Tetsu?

But the boy had gotten to his feet again, but this time it looked like he was having a lot of trouble just standing, and Okita…Okita was still advancing, with only one deadly purpose in mind.

"Get Hijikata-san!" Jarenna heard Shinpachi snap to one of the men, but she knew it was going to be too late.

__

Enough, Jarenna thought wildly as she fought through the first row, intent on stopping the two combatants. _That is enough!!_

And then she did something very brave and very stupid.

"Yukijurou-san!!"

Even as Okita raised his shinai, about to cast the death blow, Jarenna used her momentum to slam Tetsu away, but unfortunately, could not get away in time.

The shinai swung down, hard and merciless.

And in that split second, even as Jarenna gazed desperately up at Okita, willing him to regain his senses, she saw the faint spark of the real Okita Souji.

But it was too late.

"YUKIJUROU-SAN!!!!!!"

Pain exploded on her right shoulder, so intense that it drove her to her knees. A thick film of crimson filled her vision even as she whimpered, crumpling to the floor. It was too much. The pain was too much…

__

Kami-sama!! What have I done? Okita dropped the shinai with a clatter as he stared in horror at what he'd just done. He had been too late to stop the downward swing.

"Jarenna!!"

He knelt beside her and scooped her up before her head could hit the ground, stunned. Why had she run out? It was then that he realized that a crowd had gathered, and most of the men had fearful expressions on their faces. He had lost control, letting the killer—the demon—in him take over in the heat of emotion, and now…

Tetsu sat up not too far away from him, bloodied and looking very much the worse for wear despite his armour…what had he been doing? He'd been so caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that had trapped him in and he'd just let go of everything.

Even his killer instinct. Even the demon he had sometimes struggled against… He had put everyone in danger.

"Gomenasai, Jarenna…" he whispered as he held her close, struggling to stop his sudden trembling. Why had she run out into the battle? What had she been thinking? Didn't she know that it was dangerous? He had put her life in danger…he could've killed her… "Gomenasai…"

That fact terrified him more than anything else.

__

I could've killed her.

The expression of pure agony on her face was almost too much to take as he almost panicked, trying to assess the damage he'd done to her. It was a very heavy blow to the shoulder, considering the way she fell and the cry of pain he'd heard. _Please be all right, my love. Please be all right. _Dear kami, what _had he done??_

"Jarenna," he shook her gently, his voice coming out shaky and hoarse. "Are you all right? Are you all right?" _Oh please, please say you're fine…_

She bit her lip and nodded, wincing at the next wave of agony that washed over her. In her entire life, even with the beatings she had endured as a child, nothing hurt quite as much as this. It was as if her arm had been ripped away from her. "Don't shake me…It hurts, Souji…"

His heart broke then. And he would've gladly died a thousand painful deaths as punishment. He stood, bundling her in his arms, careful not to jiggle the hurt shoulder too much. "I'm sorry, my love," he whispered softly to her, his voice still shaky. "I am so, so sorry…"

Her arm hung limply at her side even as she shook her head, gritting through the pain. "I know. I know…"

"Clear the way!!" he barked angrily at the crowd, who immediately gave him a wide berth. And he ran as fast as he could, down the corridors to where Junko-san would be. Jarenna needed medical attention, and fast. It was all his fault. What if he'd hurt her badly? What if she became handicapped because of him? He would never, ever forgive himself. All he had wanted to do was just to vent all the pent-up frustrations of the past few days, of the thought that Jarenna would never be really his, of all the heartache and yearning and loneliness…

And look what happened.

And Tetsu…he had almost killed Tetsu.

__

That was why Jarenna stepped in, he realized with startling clarity. She had stepped in to protect the younger boy from almost-certain death. To protect Tetsu from him. "You brave, stupid girl…" Why was it that everything she did made him fall even more in love with her? _If anything happened to you, I'll never forgive myself. Hitting you was unforgivable. I am so sorry, Jarenna…_

"Is it enough, Souji?" Hijikata growled angrily even as he appeared in front of Okita, eyes flashing in a fury he had never witnessed before. "Is it _finally_ enough??"

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A/N: And in case you're wondering, NO. Hijikata-sama DOES NOT like Jarenna. It's just a poet thing, you know? And many apologies for posting this so late! I'm in the middle of exams now, so it's kinda hard to keep writing…don't worry, I won't abandon this story! :D

Random Reader: Hey there, thanks for reviewing my story! LOL it's pretty sad, huh? I'm sorry for the current crappy chapter, but it gets better, I swear! I hope we meet again, too, and that you enjoyed this chapter. Cheers!

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Ione-girl: Whoa! I know you're gonna kill me for not updating for so long, but it's heeere!!! ::HUG:: I have to thank you for drawing Okita and Jarenna for me. I've thanked you, haven't I? I don't know, I'm just so grateful! LOL I liked it when Okita told Kimiko off, too. It's about time that girl had some sense knocked into her, I must say.

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Night-Owl123: Hey, thanks for your review! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's a little sad, but hey. It gets better!

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I'm Trouble: LOL. Whaddya think about Susumu and Kimiko? I think they'd make a really cute pair, and besides, it'd be mean to just leave Kimiko out like that.

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Verna-S: Hey, I know that Jarenna isn't a Japanese sounding name. It just kinda stuck in my brain and refused to leave, LOL. Weird, huh?

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Jade-eyed neko: Hey there! I didn't write the lullaby that Jarenna's mother sang to her. It's a song by Selena, called 'Dreaming of You'. There'll be further elaborations on Jarenna's mother in the later chapters, so watch out for it! Sad to say, it will not be a very happy past…

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Maggie: Hey Maggie! Dreaming about it in your sleep? LOL thanks for the compliment! :D I really hope you enjoy this chapter. And an addiction, huh? ::blushes:: You're too, too kind.

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Hyper-Sloth: Hey there! LOL thanks for the encouragement! And yeah, Jarenna has TB, too. Sad, huh? Heh, and it'd be a crime to just ignore Susumu, you know? He's just so…angsty I can't resist it! And come on, everyone on writes pretty well, too!

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Hikage Onna: LOL thank you for your compliments! I hope you enjoy this chapter, too!

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Akayama Kaoru: It's all right, really. Hmm, you like my version of Tokio, huh? Thanks girl! I was mulling a lot on how to portray her, and then I decided, what the hell, let's just contrast her to Jarenna. And besides, her character has to be a nice contrast to Saitou-sama's, too! And NO, Hijikata-san does not like Jarenna! He's still pretty much hung up on Yanagi. Hmm, a moping Hijikata-san? This I gotta see…She'll be back in the later chapters, though, but sadly I don't think this couple is going to have a very easy time, too…

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Miaku: LOL thanks for the compliment! I hope you liked this chapter, too! I'm sorry I took so long to update, but you know, school and all…

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	12. Trust and Betrayal

Sorry I took such a long time, all! This story's specially written for **Ione****-girl, **who drew me the most marvelous pics of Jarenna and Okita, Saitou and Tokio, and Yanagi! Also for all my wonderful reviewers who bothered to write something for me. Thanks all!!

…

Okita leaned against the shoji door even as Junko-san hustled around Jarenna. He had respectfully turned his back so as to allow Junko-san to check the wound more carefully, but no matter how much Junko tried to chase him out, he stubbornly stayed, flat out refusing to leave.

Giving up, Junko had allowed the boy to stay, inwardly marvelling at the pig-headedness of the First Squad Captain. He had looked pale and uncharacteristically flustered when he brought a wounded Jarenna in, and Jarenna…her wound worried her.

Junko had cast a sharp, searching glance at Okita, and he guiltily told her what had happened. With a disapproving scowl and a sharp word for Jarenna, too, for her folly, she set about to work. The arm had been dislocated due to the force of the blow, and the shoulder blade itself was a large, ugly bruise that would take a good few weeks to heal.

The soft cry of pain Jarenna uttered as Junko set the joint back in place hit Okita hard, and he clenched his fists at his side. He had hurt the one person he had sworn never to harm.

"You'll be fine, Jarenna," Junko said finally as she made sure the younger woman was properly dressed. There was a man in the room, after all. "I'm afraid you're going to have to be walking around in that sling for a few weeks to facilitate your recovery."

"Thank you, Junko-san," Jarenna said, her smile slightly strained. It still hurt, but at least it was down to a throbbing kind of pain, something slightly more tolerable than just now. And despite her occasional muttered complaints, the older woman had been exceedingly gentle.

She shook her head, her gaze fond despite of her words. "Now, don't you go off doing something as stupid as that again. Stepping into the middle of the battle…you really are asking for it."

Jarenna lowered her head slightly. "I'm sorry."

At this, Okita turned to face her, his face full of remorse. So much so that Jarenna felt her heart go out to him. "No, Jarenna. I should be the one who's sorry. I hurt you."

Sensing that the two lovebirds needed time to themselves, Junko excused herself quickly. "I have to see to Tetsu now. No doubt the stupid boy will be off someplace where I can't find him. Again."

"Arigato gozaimasu, Junko-san." Jarenna replied softly before she turned to him. "It's just an accident, so it's quite all right."

She lifted her head, her eyes locking with his own, and he could see the apprehension—the masked fear—in there. "Your eyes…you looked like you wanted to kill Tetsu."

"I wanted to," he admitted, closing his eyes momentarily, realizing that, for once, he could not keep eye contact with her. He was the child of a demon, which made him as much a demon as anything…and that look in her eyes in that instant before the shinai struck her…She had pulled him back too late, but the fact remained that all he had to do was to look into her eyes, and no matter how out of control he was, he would return to her.

She was his anchor.

"I never wanted you to see that side of me." he said softly, so softly that she had to strain to hear it. He had two sides to him; one, Okita Souji the man, the other, Okita Souji the merciless, soulless demon.

"I was afraid," she admitted. "I thought you were gone, and only the warrior remained."

"I was. But you brought me back. In that instant before I…hit you. That look in your eyes…" He glanced at her injured shoulder and felt the hurt sting anew. He was responsible for that injury. "I am sorry." He reached out for her, but she recoiled involuntarily, regretting the action the second she saw the hurt flash across his soft amethyst eyes.

"I will never hurt you, Jarenna." He blurted. He knew he did not have the right to be angry at her; he was the one who hit her, after all.

She didn't look at him. "I know." She had long accepted that he was one of the best swordsmen in the Shinsengumi, and possibly in the whole of Japan. She was not naïve; she knew what that meant. It meant that the man she loved was a killer. A professional killer. But seeing him in action, and against someone who was close to them…it hit her hard. "I just…" _I don't know. _

She turned to leave, but his fingers caught her chin, tilting her head to face him. His eyes were intense now, full of sorrow and something else. "I will never hurt you, nor anyone else that I hold dear to my heart," he promised solemnly. Then he slowly leaned forward, brushing his lips across her forehead. "You don't have to be afraid, because above everything else, I love you."

Jarenna felt like she had been paralyzed. Everything that he had said had caught her by surprise, and he said he had loved her…again. _And he said that I was the one who brought him back from the madness…me? _She stared at him for a long, long moment. _Why, Okita-san? Why do you set your eyes on me? Why must you make me love you?_

Shaking her head slightly, she lowered her gaze, resting them on her lap."Okita-san, I…thank you."

Okita looked down at her, surprised. "What for?"

"For allowing me to bring you back."

Even as he stared at her, stunned at that statement, he felt an irresistible urge to kiss her again. Maybe it was just his hormones running wild. Who cared? All he could focus on was how hopelessly alluring she was, even in that state, and what it would be like to kiss her again.

Which he did. _Screw propriety. Just being this close to her is driving me crazy. _

Jarenna's eyes widened in shock as she felt his lips press against hers. A small part of her desperately wanted to back away, to get out of this, but another part was equally desperate for this to go on, and she let her eyes flutter shut, giving in to the moment. His fingers tangled in her hair, cupping the back of her head in order to press her closer. His thumb stroked her chin lovingly, gently trying to coax it open even as a soft sound of pleasure escaped his lips.

And from there on, it was pure emotion. The kiss grew wildly passionate, even as the two lovers eagerly sought each other, putting all their longing into the kiss, abandoning reason for a precious few moments. Okita knew to be especially careful with her, but his passion seemed to override him this time as he eagerly explored her mouth, tasting the sweetness he'd been desperately craving for. Kami she tasted so good. He wanted more, so much more…

She was so soft and pliant under his hands, and even as she took her turn to taste him, he felt a spark of her inner fire, inflaming his senses all the more. The lingering adrenaline of the earlier fight, the intense emotions he felt, her sudden nearness through the fabric of her clothes…it very nearly pushed him off the edge.

_Kami-sama…_he thought drunkenly, pushing her gently back onto the futon, careful not to hurt her. His whole body seemed to be on fire, red-hot passion burning through his veins. And those fingers… he felt them dancing over him, the merest flutter of butterfly wings. Her good hand wafted over him, unsure, uncertain, until he reached out and pinned her hand over her head, careful not to press against her bad arm. She whimpered softly, and he pressed into her, feeling those curves that the kimono had always hidden. He had no control anymore; it was all lost to the wind, and he'd be damned before he would think to summon it back again.

_Oh, Jarenna…_

Letting go of her free hand, his own roamed over hers, touching places that he had never ventured to before, caressing, awakening…the fire would consume them both.

"Souji…" she sighed. Kami how he loved the sound of his name spilling from her lips. He laughed softly even as his lips left her own, travelling down to her neck, nuzzling gently against the area where the neckline of her kimono covered that soft skin. He briefly wondered what it would be like if the kimono was gone. Opening his mouth ever so slightly, he ran the tip of his tongue over it, pushing back the neckline ever so slightly. His pulse jumped as he felt her arch further up into him. Her body was so warm and inviting, and it beckoned to him, a siren's call he could never resist. He wanted her so much that he knew he would do anything to get her. _Anything… _

"Jarenna!" Came Tokio's frantic voice even as the shoji door was flung open, effectively ruining the moment.

Her twin's voice brought Jarenna crashing back down to the present even as she realized their current position. Okita was on top of her, one arm propping himself up, and the other hand lazily brushing against her thigh…

_Kami-sama!! _she thought in horror even as the two of them leapt away from each other. Okita was mildly stunned at the way he lost control himself so easily, and Jarenna was just horrified that just his mere touch was enough to make her lose all reason. And then there was that fact that Tokio was staring at them as if they'd each grown three heads.

"Itai…" she winced as she jiggled her arm accidentally, sending sparks of pain shooting through her, effectively killing off the raging passion that had made her want to shut the door on her sister, kiss Okita and never let him go. Her face burning at that thought, she turned to her sister.

"D-did you need something, Tokio?"

Tokio simply stared in disbelief. Fifteen minutes alone and they were already going at it. If she had not entered, things would have gotten much farther. How much, she really, _really_ didn't want to know. "I um…ano…Junko-san told me that you were hurt, and I came here as fast as I could to see how you were…" she knew she was blushing, too. The two of them had been in a very intimate position when she'd entered, and kami this was by far the most embarrassing situation she had ever been in. "A-are you all right, Jarenna?" _That's a really stupid question. She's obviously well enough to kiss Okita as if her life depended on it. _

Her sister's face was the color of the setting sun. "H-hai. I'm fine. It's just a bruise."

Clearing his throat mildly, the First Squad Captain nodded to Tokio, trying to dispel his awkwardness. "I'll leave you two alone to speak. Hijikata-san wants to see me." He managed a smile, even though he felt his face burn. "I suppose he's going to yell at me for almost killing his adorable little page and injuring you."

There was the slightest of smiles on her face, despite her acute embarrassment. "Arigato, Okita-san."

…

As soon as Okita disappeared, Tokio stared, wide-eyed at her. "What did he do to you?"

"Oh, it was just an accident." She waved it off dismissively, not wanting to alarm her, then looked her sister over curiously. "Did you need something?"

"Oh," Tokio said, her mind already on other things. She glanced outside the room, her gaze darkening. "I have bad news. He is here."

"Who's he?"

"Watch your mouth, daughter. I brook no disrespect," the familiar voice wafted to them even as Takagi Kojuurou appeared just outside the shoji door. He had on a smile that, to Jarenna, seemed pasted on, but then again, she couldn't be sure.

Tokio glared. "Yes, _Father._" The venom in her tone startled Jarenna, who glanced at her sister quizzically. Kojuurou caught that look and spoke.

"Don't mind her, Jarenna. For some reason I cannot comprehend, she does not like me very much." He smiled wryly, stepping into the room. Then he saw Jarenna's sling. "Are you all right, Jarenna? What happened to you?"

"Accident," she replied, not really knowing what to think. Why was he here?

"Why are you here, Father?" Tokio asked acidly.

Kojuurou shot a look of barely concealed annoyance at his oldest daughter before saying. "Why, I came here to see if you girls were all right. Two young women in a compound full of men…even if one of them is your betrothed, Tokio, I do not feel safe."

The utter disbelief in Tokio's eyes was evident to Jarenna, as was the unspoken…enmity between the both of them. What was going on?

"I should take you girls home."

"I'd rather stay here, thank you." Tokio replied, although the clearer meaning would be, 'I'd rather die than go back with you.'

"I see." He nodded, then glanced around casually, as if observing his surroundings. "I understand that the ol—Natsumi—is found."

"How did you know?"

He eyed her shrewdly. "Why should I tell you?"

"What do you want with her?" Tokio asked warily.

Kojuurou had an offended expression on his face. "I just wanted to ask if she was all right. I haven't seen her for years ever since she took off with your mother's dowry." A flash of—was it malice?—crossed his eyes momentarily before it disappeared, leaving Jarenna to wonder if it was even there at all. "What is wrong with you, dear daughter? Are you ill?"

"I'm fine," she bit off. Jarenna didn't say a word, as she was busily wondering about what Kojuurou had said earlier. Natsumi-san had made off with her mother's dowry?

"Now, where's Natsumi?"

There was something in his tone that sounded…off, somehow. It seemed, to the girls, like he was very eager to see her, but for all the wrong reasons.

"She—"Jarenna started, but Tokio cut in immediately.

"She left."

_What? _Jarenna thought in surprise, although she had the presence of mind to play along. There was something about her father that she had felt vaguely uncomfortable about, and maybe, just maybe Tokio would have the answer.

"What?" his expression immediately darkened, and this time, Jarenna did not imagine the malice in his eyes. _He's most likely up to no good, _she thought with a jolt. But why? Why Natsumi-san? What did he want to say to her?

"She left the compound this morning," Tokio replied casually. Jarenna had to admit, her twin was definitely a consummate actress, being able to lie like that without batting an eyelid. Very impressive. "She felt better and made a lot of noise about leaving, so we let her go."

"You stupid girl!!" Kojuurou exploded suddenly, his face livid with fury. He looked like he wanted to strike them across their faces. "Why did you let her go? Did you know who she was?!" He swung around to face the other girl even as he spat out. "Is the wench telling the truth?"

Jarenna stared, momentarily stunned at the sudden about-face. Why was he so angry? "Yes. She left…this morning."

Muttering a curse word under his breath, he turned to leave, without so much as a goodbye.

"Yes, now we know why he's really here for," Tokio remarked disdainfully even as they watched him leave. "Not to 'see how we're doing', so to speak."

"He's here for Natsumi-san?" Jarenna asked, confused. "I mean, why?"

"I don't know, either."

"Then why did you lie?"

Tokio fixed Jarenna with a serious stare. "Because, Jarenna, Takagi Kojuurou is not to be trusted at all. If he is looking for someone, it is sure to be something bad."

She was struggling to understand. "But he's our father, and he—"

"He's a liar, that's all he is," Tokio replied coldly, icy fire in her eyes. "A twisted, perverted old fox. Do not be taken in by his acting, Jarenna. He cares for nothing and no one but himself. Believe me, I've been living with him for so many years."

"But he seemed…nice," Jarenna started hesitantly. It was evident that Tokio fully believed what she was saying, and to be honest, Jarenna herself was more slated to believe her sister than anyone else, even the man who called himself her father. But then again, Jarenna had always tended to give others the benefit of the doubt, and supposed her father was not all that bad, was he?

"_Nice?_" Tokio shook her head in acute disbelief. "You barely know him, sister. He's a ruthless bastard. Natsumi-san can prove this, I believe. She is awake now, and wants to speak to the both of us."

_I need to speak to her, too. This entire thing is getting more and more puzzling. _

"Wait," Her twin said suddenly, stopping.

"What is it?" Jarenna asked, concerned, but it faded when she realized that Tokio was actually smiling.

"I have to know. What is it like?"

Jarenna was mystified. Why was she having that strange look on her face? "What is what like?"

The faintest of flushes worked up her cheeks, deepening with every moment. "Well…you know. What you and Okita-san were doing. I mean…well…" she trailed off, highly embarrassed.

The other girl just stared at her blankly. _How do I even begin?_ Then she smiled, not above teasing her sister. "Tokio," she began seriously. "I cannot answer that for you. I believe Saitou-sama would be more suited for that question, don't you think? After all, he can provide you with a few demonstrations…"

This time, Tokio was the one who looked like the setting sun. "JARENNA!!!"

…

The two girls took an involuntary step back even as the shoji door to the First Aid Room was thrown open and Natsumi, a panicked expression on her face, rushed headlong into them.

"Natsumi-san!" Tokio exclaimed as her hands shot out to steady the old woman. And to her surprise, she realized that the latter was trembling violently. What was wrong with her? "What's the matter?"

The old woman didn't give up trying to push past them, and she kept shaking her head. "Need to leave—need to leave—here—he's here! Please, let me go!"

"He?" Jarenna echoed with a puzzled frown. "But Natsumi-san, you aren't properly recovered—"

"No, I need to go! I cannot stay here!"

"But why? Who's he?" Tokio demanded, holding on to her tightly. It was getting more and more puzzling. And then it began to dawn on her. The _he_ she had been talking about and was so terrified of…

"Are you talking about Father?" Jarenna asked softly, a strange expression on her face. Natsumi raised terrified eyes to theirs and nodded.

"You—you don't understand. He'll—he'll be back. I-I have to go!"

"Why are you so terrified of him?" Tokio asked as Jarenna tried to calm her down. "You're in the Shinsengumi compound, Natsumi-san, he will never hurt you here." Her voice softened as she realized that the old woman was finally listening to her instead of panicking blindly. "Please, we need to speak to you. There are many things we need to know."

…

The very air itself was tense even as the two girls settled down opposite Natsumi, who had calmed down considerably, although she kept shooting furtive glances at the door, as if it might come to life and attack her any moment. Jarenna watched her, wondering why she was so terrified. Was it because she had stolen her mother's dowry, like what her father had said? What had happened? How had her mother died? There were so many questions to ask.

Tokio put a comforting hand on her arm and gave her a reassuring smile before turning to Natsumi. The old woman glanced at them for a long moment, then sighed. "I have kept my secret for a long time. Please, listen to my story, and find it in your heart to forgive me."

"Forgive?" Jarenna echoed blankly.

"Yes," she replied, raising haunted eyes to her own. "Forgive me."

And there began a tale that broke their hearts.

"Your mother was a beautiful young woman, full of life and energy. I had served her the very moment she was born. I was fifteen then, and I watched her grow. She had always been strong-willed, a little too strong-willed for her own good. When she reached the age of nineteen, Takagi Kojuurou, already an influential and powerful man by then, had asked for her hand. Of course, your mother had no lack of suitors, but Takagi was far above the others. Her father, of course, had picked him to be her husband, as his wealth was immense." She trembled, and the girls could see bitter tears form in her eyes. "Your mother flatly refused; she saw through what he really was right away. But I, too, had been blinded then, and I had been her closest friend. She came to me for help, but instead of counselling her to follow her heart, I told her to cleave to the desires of her family, because that is the way it was. The will of the daughter is subject to the will of her father, as the wife's to her husband. Your mother eventually married your father and had the two of you.

"Miserable in her marriage, your mother had taken a lover, the man she had wished to marry, the one she had loved all along. They had planned to run away together, to take the two of you with them, but your father…your father found out, and they were caught before they could take either of you away. He had threatened her if she left him, he would kill the two of you. But if she stayed, he would spare her lover.

"When your mother desperately agreed to stay, he killed her lover anyway. Then he had his men knock your mother out and dragged her back to the residence. But he was far from done. That night, he ripped you, Jarenna, from your bed and gave you to a slave trader. The torture he inflicted on your mother and you both was unspeakable. You were never far from their sight even as you were abused, Jarenna. Your mother…your mother loved you very much, and he knew it.

He…he made her watch as they…" Natsumi took in a shuddering breath as she looked away. Her voice was barely a whisper now. "He made her watch as they raped you. He was watching, too. He was laughing at your ruin."

Jarenna's mind was blank. The horror of it was too much, too much…

It was only when Tokio reached over and wiped the tears on her cheeks that she realized that she was crying. It was unbelievable. It was impossible…her father? Her own father had watched her? The one who had knelt before her and asked for her forgiveness? No, no. _No…_

"Your mother was shattered. No mother could ever witness something like that and bear it, which is the reason why she went mad. And your father…your father murdered her in cold blood, and he sent you and the slave traders away from his sight. I…I took everything that belonged to her, that would now rightfully belong to you, and ran for my life, because I knew that I would not be spared. And I had been hiding from them since then, waiting for the day that I would finally find you, and tell you the truth. Please, forgive my cowardice."

"Liar." Jarenna whispered softly, her voice sounding foreign to even her own ears. "Liar…"

"I have waited thirteen years to tell your mother's story, my lady," Natsumi shook her head. "There are no lies. There is only truth. He is using you now, Jarenna, Tokio. Jarenna, he's using you to attain more power in Japan, for who would dare defy a man who has two of Japan's most powerful samurai as son-in-laws? Takagi Kojuurou would _never_ do anything out of the goodness of his heart, his very conscience had already been fed to the dogs!!"

"Hush, Natsumi-san," Tokio said sharply, regaining her wits enough to put her arms around her shaking sister. The old woman's earnest confession would prove to be Jarenna's undoing, and she was determined not to aggravate the situation. Of course, she had been as shocked and saddened as Jarenna, but she wasn't the one whom the bastard had chosen to torment his wife with. It had hit her hard, and Tokio was worried that Jarenna would not be able to take it. After all, who could blame her? Hearing all this all too suddenly…she knew that her sister had trusted Kojuurou, and to have it destroyed like this…of course she knew what her father had been like, but Jarenna hadn't. And she did not deserve to know it this way. _Not this way…_

The old woman quietened. Defeated, she hung her head. "I am sorry. I am truly sorry."

"I don't believe you," Jarenna shook her head in shock and disbelief. "I don't believe you…"

"Natsumi-san! I believe it will be better if you left us alone for a little while." Tokio said hurriedly, trying not to aggravate the situation. It was unnerving; Jarenna was altogether too calm, and Tokio worried about her. "Maybe a walk in the compound?"

Natsumi's eyes never left Jarenna. "I am truly sorry for bringing this upon you, my lady." She wiped at her tears and went over to them. "I am sorry." She reached out to try to touch Jarenna, but the younger woman shook her head.

"Don't touch me."

The rejection was evident. Slowly, Natsumi rose to her feet and gracefully bowed. "I thank you for letting me tell the story. And I hope that you will find it in your hearts to forgive my sin and my weakness, that I as good as sealed the fates of both your mother and your sister on your parents' wedding day. I am sorry."

Tokio bowed slightly without responding. What could she possibly say?

"Leave me, please." It was taking everything Jarenna had just to say those words. "Just…leave."

Natsumi lowered her head and bowed to Jarenna. With that, she left.

…

_Sing my favourite, mama. Sing my favourite…_

Jarenna did not see her go, for within her lay madness. The song haunted her now. Soft warm hands that rocked her to sleep, that soft haunting voice…those eyes, the eyes that soothed her into the sweetest of dreams, dreams that she shared with her. _Her._

_Late at night when all the world is sleeping,_

_I stay up and think of you_

_And I wish on a star, that somewhere you are_

_Thinking of me too…_

And then there was the pain. So much pain. The screaming would not end. The pain would not stop. Not for her, not for anyone. The sands of time had flowed through the wounds, and yet they refused to close. It would never end. Did she remember? Did she know? Of course she remembered. She remembered the laughter, she remembered the pain. There was always the pain. The sands of time flowed back now, washing away all the filth, all the dirt, leaving behind the sharp, brutal truth. The truth she had always been blind to. And from her child's eyes, from where she was thrown to the ground and raped, she saw.

She finally saw…

_Now I'm dreaming with you tonight_

_Till tomorrow, and for all of my life…___

Her father had torn her innocence from her. Her father had killed her mother. Those soft warm eyes…forever shut. The song would die with her, the song that soothed her was gone, and Jarenna would follow. She was dead the moment her father had given her to the traders. The lullaby, the lullaby was fading. There was no more voice, only ghosts. Ghosts of dreams that were long dead, of hope and innocence that lay shattered at her father's feet, never to be repaired again. The ultimate betrayal…she would forever be broken.

_Mother…_

_And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be_

_Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly_

_Endlessly…___

With quiet sobs, Tokio wept with her sister, their tears mingling with each other's as they shared in their grief.

…

Emerging from Hijikata's room very much chastised—the man had given him a sound tongue lashing that lasted a little more than half an hour—Okita looked up to see the retreating back of the old woman, Natsumi. Her head was bowed, and he was about to call out to her when she headed out of the doors.

Frowning slightly and wondering why neither Jarenna and Tokio had followed her—he wasn't sure about how the old woman fared, but he supposed she hadn't recovered too much yet, considering her age—the First Squad Captain headed towards the First Aid Room.

"Buki!" Saizou bounced against his ankle, wanting to be carried.

"Ah, Saizou! You would like to see Jarenna too, wouldn't you?"

"Buki?"

With a soft smile for his beloved pig, he picked him up and set off to his destination.

Trotting briskly towards the room, he stepped up and was about to open it when he realized that something was not right. The soft sound of sniffles caught his ears, and the occasional soft sob made him frown. He was even more worried when it sounded like Jarenna.

_What happened? _He wondered, stiffening. Saizou, however, wriggled in his arms, glaring at the door. "Buki!! Bukibuki!"

"Shh, Saizou!" Okita hissed, trying to quiet his pet. Something was very wrong here, A large part of him urgently wanted to go in there and find out what had happened, but from the looks of it, it seemed like a very private thing, and he didn't want to intrude.

He hesitated for a moment, with Saizou busy still making angry noises. The sounds inside the room stopped, and Okita hurriedly stepped away, feeling as if he'd violated their privacy or something.

"Puzzles, puzzles." The First Squad Captain murmured thoughtfully as he made his way to the pigpen. Saizou needed his lunch, after all. The questions were endless, and there were no answers in sight, and it was not like he could just go up to either of the girls and demand they tell him what happened. It seemed to be very heavy, he could tell. And that worried him. Could Jarenna take it? She'd shown remarkable progress ever since he'd rescued her, but no one was infallible. He worried that something would make her revert back to the girl he'd first laid his eyes on all those nights ago, the desperate, half-crazed, terrified young girl.

It was a very disturbing thought, considering that he promised to not let anything hurt her and all.

_No use mulling over that now,_ he thought to himself. _Not when there are no answers. _He would find her later, and hopefully she would be in a better mood. Right now, though, he would go and see Tetsu-kun and apologize.

…

Tokio was asleep.

Gently untangling herself, Jarenna placed a warm blanket over her sister, and silently padded to the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. She did not want to wake her up, not after what she was about to do.

She would go to Takagi Kojuurou and confront him with the truth. And after that, their ties would be severed, she would have nothing to do with him at all. He would no longer be considered her father. Well, at least that was better than killing him, which was something she was very much aching to do. He was the one who was responsible for the hell she'd been in.

He was the biggest monster of them all. Takagi Kojuurou, the one who had begged for her forgiveness, the one who she had tried so hard to forget her anger for. The one she fought to accept as her father.

Her father had done this to her.

She was his flesh and blood, and yet he had done this to her, and even now had the temerity to use her once more.

_No more tears._ There was only anger. It spread like ice through her veins, and yet gave her the clarity that she'd needed.

Stiffly, she made her way outside and turned a corner. All around her there was activity, people were going about their businesses as usual, talking, gossiping, or just playing around.

All of them immune to her pain.

_That's just the way it is,_ she thought, watching them nonetheless. _Everyone has a story behind them. It's not like they can be bothered to pay attention to mine. _

Narrowly avoiding a gaggle of women who had just finished their daily activities, she turned a corner. Another good half an hour, and she would be where her father was staying. Suddenly, she wished that she'd had the presence of mind to bring a katana along, but it was not like she knew how to use it or anything, and it would draw unwanted attention to herself if she carried it along.

She was just a woman, after all.

The streets were quiet here, and hardly any people passed by, for they preferred the wide, crowded streets to meandering, narrow ones. It was a relief. Kami seemed to be out to mock her today, for everyone she'd seen had some form of a smile on their faces.

It was grating.

Jarenna glanced up at the sky, which had already begun to darken with the setting of the sun. The nights came too quickly these days, but it was to be expected. Winter was already here.

"It is too late. They have already known you as the monster you are!"

She recognized the voice immediately. _Natsumi-san!_

It didn't sound too far away from her, and the voice was filled with anger and something else Jarenna could only tentatively label as…fear. Wondering who she was speaking to, Jarenna picked up her pace. Then there was a sickening sound, like something ripping through flesh. A sharp scream that made her jump, and then there was a wild shriek of laughter.

"Kill me, then! I'm ready! But it will never erase the truth I had revealed to your daughters! Your filth is finally shown to them, hellbeast! Their eyes are opened, and they know you!"

_What?_ Jarenna thought, her heart racing despite herself. Who was Natsumi talking to? Why couldn't she find them? And killing? Who was killing her?

"Natsumi-san!!" Jarenna shouted, suddenly guilty that she'd told Natsumi to leave when it was obviously not safe for her. If something happened to her, it would be her fault. "Natsumi-san, where are you?!"

And then she heard it. A muttered curse, and then the sound of a blade slicing through flesh. This time, Jarenna didn't hear the old woman scream, and that scared her all the more.

"Natsumi-san!" she screamed, desperately trying not to think of the worst possible scenario. "Answer me!" Her voice had sounded very close by, but _where, _exactly? Where?

Less than a minute later, she saw it.

An unrecognizable mess lay on the ground, in the middle of a large pool of blood. A shock of gray hair was what identified the mess.

She whipped her head up, but the attacker—whoever he was—was already gone. Kneeling beside the lump, Jarenna reached out, hoping against hope that she would still be alive.

"Natsumi-san," she whispered, a lump lodged in her throat. If only she had not asked her to leave!!

She didn't know how long she knelt there for, but it was already dark when she finally stood up, mulling over what she'd overheard the old woman saying earlier.

There was only one answer.

An ice-cold feeling gripped at her heart, and she clenched her fists, her nails digging painfully into her palm. No more sorrow. There was only vengeance. It called to her, and she answered willingly, eagerly.

The monster had done enough, and it was time for her vengeance.

No more mercy.

…

Jarenna entered the Shinsengumi slowly, as if she was walking underwater. The sentries at the gate smiled at her, but this time she couldn't muster up the strength to return the courtesy.

It was only when a running Saya bumped hard into her that she finally jolted out of her thoughts, and she looked down in surprise.

"Saya?" she asked curiously, distracted. It had been awhile since she'd seen the shy, sweet little girl here. Saya looked up, her eyes wide with apology. Tetsu was rather taken with her, and it was popular notion that the two had something going on. She heard Tetsu laughing cheerily behind her as he ran up.

"Oh, Jarenna-san!"

"Tetsu-kun? Why are you running about?" she asked in surprise. Wasn't he heavily injured just this afternoon? It looked like the two had been playing tag for awhile now, and she couldn't help but be impressed. Talk about having the resilience of a puppy; he was already up and running in no time while her injury still stung.

"Eh?" he cocked his head, confused.

"Doesn't it still hurt?"

"Oh, that!" he laughed sheepishly and scratched his head. "I'm all right now! All fixed up, see?"

She had to smile. It was a good thing, having a child running about the compound. It somehow made everything seem less…bad.

"Um…thanks, Jarenna-san."

"What for?"

"For um…today."

It was her turn to feel awkward. "Oh, that. It's all right."

"Tatsu-nii's got a bottle of special ointment for bruises like that," Tetsu volunteered eagerly, obviously feeling bad for her. "I'll get them for you!"

Jarenna shook her head. "I'll be fine."

Without waiting for him to answer, she simply headed off. There much she had to do.

…

_I tried to kill the pain_

_But only brought more_

_I lay dying_

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal_

_I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?_

_…_

**Night-Owl123: **Hello again! Thanks for reading my story!

**MysticInca**Sigh…if Saitou Hajime and Okita Souji came out of that Peacemaker anime, I'd jump them in no time flat! Ah well, such is the cruelty of the world. The truly hot men are not real… LOL, what you said was true, the fics always seem to put Okita in such a childish light. I mean, he's first and foremost a GUY, but anyway, thanks so much for thinking that I could do justice to his uh…needs. Okay, that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean! Thank you for your kind review, and I really appreciated that you actually took time off to write me such a lovely message! I hope that you enjoyed reading this chapter, though. There'll be lots more to come in the near future, I promise!!

**Jade-eyed neko: **Hey-ey! You love the Saitou-Tokio pairing, huh? I decided not to give them any kind of angst and a pretty much cute relationship so my entire story doesn't seem too angsty. Hell, there's enough angst to kill a clown!! ;;thinks;; Well, I don't think clowns are the happiest people in the world, but they make people laugh, so.

**Ione****-girl: ;**;cowers in fear;; Okay, you're officially dangerous right now. Oh man, oh man, don't be pissed! Can't be all peaches and cream for Okita and Jarenna, yes? Okay, so I'm occasionally a sadist and should get shot for that, but still! It's for a good cause! Teeheehee. I'm glad you liked the Kimiko-Susumu pairing, though. Nice, eh? Hee, thanks for your review once again!

**Random Reader: **Yep. Hijikata's haikus are really, REALLY bad. They're so bad they should be put in a joke book. But nevermind, I shall not be mean. Well, the wait is pretty much over this time, and I hope that you liked this chapter. It took awhile for me to get it done, but FINALLY!! ::grins:: Jarenna will come out all right, and if things go right, she'll come out the better for it. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, haha!

**Kaori Akayama: **Hellooooo again!! I made you cry again? Oh man…I didn't mean to do that! ::hug:: thanks for the kind compliment, you know just how to make my day, you know? LOL, sorry for the cliffhanger yet again. This'll be good, I promise!

**Hikage**** Onna: **Thanks for the compliment. Mucho appreciated!

**I'm Trouble: **Well, I think it's a love square…a very complicated little love square. I like the Saitou Tokio thing too, it makes a good breather from the Jarenna-Okita mess. Heh. I'm sorry there isn't much Susumu and Kimiko here, but I'll make it up to you in the next few chapters, I promise! After all, the two of them are the most challenging couples ever! Teeheehee, thanks for the generous compliment, and can you guess my age? ::wink:: You get a cookie if you do! LOL.

**Maggie: **LOL, Angel-chan sounds really sweet! ::HUG:: Aw, it's all right. Souji's gonna be his cute self in no time. Besides, he's sorry! And Tetsu, too. Poor little puppy…maybe I should put in more of him and Saya, too. That'll be good for him.

**SaturnOolaa**Hello! ::thinks:: I don't know…Is a terrible mary sue a good thing or a bad thing? ::gets confused:: It's like being called a terrible liar, or a terrible thief…Hee, no one's ever pulled me aside and told me how to write original characters in fanfiction, though. Really. Maybe you could help me out here? I'd like to hear your opinion! Thanks for reviewing my story, anyway. LOL


	13. Vengeance

__

"To the modern man vengeance is a verb, an idea. Payback. One thing for another. Like commerce. Not with us. Vengeance is a living thing. It passes through generations. It commands. It kills." –Enyos, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

…

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll

I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds

But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

And I

I've woken now to find myself

In the shadows of all I have created

I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from this place I have made

Won't you take me away from me?

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins

I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed

I can't go on like this

I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more

I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I've woken now to find myself

I'm lost in shadows of my own

I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from me

"Away From Me" –Evanescence

…

The katana felt heavy in her good left hand, and it was awkward holding it. How was she going to unsheath it? Her movements were clumsy, considering that her left arm was in a sling. To add to that, she didn't even know how to properly handle the sword. But all that was ignored for now; she didn't need to know how to use it properly. All it took was a few swings, after all. The blade was lethal enough to slice bone.

Wincing slightly, she used her left hand to grip the katana, feeling the mild sting of pain as she tightened her hold on it. With her right hand gripping the hilt of the sword, she pulled it out, the sound of blade on sheath almost deafening in the utter silence.

The cold glint of metal hypnotized her, even as she gazed at it in admiration. This was the one thing the Shinsengumi used to send people to Hell. Just one swish, and blood would flow…death would be inevitable at the merest touch. The amount of blood that had been spilled by this sword alone…

"Jarenna-san," Okita's soft voice sounded firm through the darkness. "What are you doing?"

Jarenna jumped and almost dropped the sword even as Okita stepped out from where he had been watching her all the while. "Okita-san," she replied softly, barely managing to sheath the sword without dropping it. "What are you doing here?"

"I believe the question should be directed to you," came the soft response. His eyes were dark, but he was calm, and he did not come any closer. "Jarenna, what are you doing in the weapons room?"

"You won't understand."

"Tokio told me everything." At her surprised look, he went on. "You are going after him, aren't you?"

She stared at him defiantly. "Wouldn't you?"

He looked at her for a long moment, his intense scrutiny making her feel mildly uncomfortable. "We are going to get him, Jarenna-san. Hijikata's got his sights on him for a while now. And soon, he's going to pay for it."

"No." she replied coldly. "He's going to die."

Okita stared at her, surprised. This was an entirely different Jarenna he was seeing right now, the characteristically soft curve of her lips was gone, and the gentleness of her expressive eyes were missing, leaving a stranger in her wake. "I know you're angry, Jarenna. But you cannot rush into this. You are not a killer."

"I want vengeance," she bit off, uncontrollable anger bubbling once again to the surface. "And I will have it." She began to pace. "He was acting like he was remorseful about sending me to hell, like he was doing such a great service for the family because they were starving." Her voice was mocking. "'Forgive me, daughter, I never meant to hurt you.' Lies. All lies. The bastard never cared if I was dead or alive. I'm only a tool to him! He used me to hurt my mother, and he's using me for his own gains now!"

Her eyes fell on a tanto that was next to a stash of weapons that were meant for new recruits. Dropping the katana, she picked the smaller weapon up and held it out for Okita to see. "How about this? Mutilating that face of his, cutting off every bit of flesh like he did to Natsumi-san. A perfectly long time for torture."

Okita took the tanto from her firmly, shaking his head. "No, Jarenna." He knew she was furious and betrayed, but she was not thinking straight at all, though he was hard-pressed to imagine that anyone else would be able to think properly had they been in her shoes. "Please, calm down and think about what you are doing."

She exploded. "He was my _father_, Okita-san. And he killed my _mother_ and Natsumi-san and kami knows how many others! He sent me to endure thirteen years of hell, and lied about it to my face. How do you expect me to calm down? How can you think about telling me to consider what I'm doing when you kill people everyday?"

He flinched at that, but it was true. Well, almost. "As Shinsengumi, we kill people who are intent on breaking the peace. We protect the people." He paused, locking his eyes with hers. "Jarenna, if you kill your father, the demons you will be living with will destroy you utterly. They will be much worse than the ones you are living with right now."

It was something he was all too familiar with. How many people had he seen destroyed because they killed? How many had fallen to the madness? He was mad, himself. Forever drowning in the darkness that he had no hope of ever emerging.

And for another selfish reason, Yukijurou Jarenna was his anchor, someone who pulled him back from the abyss, someone who was his haven. What would happen if that haven fell to the darkness too?

He remembered her eyes whenever she watched the sunrise, full of hope and wonder and admiration. He liked those eyes very much. But now…if she went on with what she was about to do, those innocent eyes would forever die. There would be nothing left. He took a step forward, realizing that somehow, he was getting through to her. "What you are about to do, Jarenna, goes against everything that you believed in. Will you let this man destroy your life further? Will you let him make you a murderer?"

He saw something in her change, and was heartened. It seemed like he was getting through to her. She sagged. "I'm sorry, Okita-san. For a moment there, I just…"

"I understand." He smiled slightly, a smile of relief and sorrow. He had wanted Jarenna to finally be able to lay her demons to rest, and it seemed like they were returning with a vengeance. Briefly, he remembered a certain stormy night where she'd fallen asleep in his arms. It seemed like it happened a hundred years ago. "It's a nice night out tonight. Would you like to join me?"

She looked at him oddly. "Join you?"

"The stars are out. I expect we'll be seeing a couple of shooting stars, too." He held out a hand. "Come."

She took his hand.

…

Indeed, it was a beautiful night, but it was colder than ever. They sat side by side quietly on the porch, simply gazing at the sky. Okita Souji was a content man, simply because the three important things in his life were fulfilled: He had sufficient candy in his pocket, he had lots of time to play with the children tomorrow, and Jarenna was beside him. Simple pleasures, really.

Of course, he was sad and angry at what Tokio had told him, but he knew that Takagi Kojuurou would have his retribution in the near future, so he wasn't one to worry overmuch about it. Also, his main objective now was to cheer his girl up and make her feel better. _I've got to ask Hijikata-san to take action quickly, before Jarenna changes her mind and goes after him herself._

Jarenna, for one, seemed to be thinking hard about something, but a decision had obviously been made for she snapped out of it suddenly and turned to the man beside her. He was watching the sky intently, and she allowed herself to admire his profile, the way his violet bangs hung down, framing a boyishly handsome face. She appreciated his words earlier; his effort to keep her from being like him. She wondered what he felt when he killed his first man.

She was jolted out of her musings when she felt his warm hand resting over the one that lay on her lap. She was surprised at the sudden move, but when she saw Okita smile slightly even as he playfully refused to look at her, she relaxed, twisting her hand slightly so she could wind her fingers through his. Now he looked mildly surprised, but exceedingly pleased.

They sat like this until sunrise.

…

"Okita-san!"

Setting Saizou down, he turned to a harried-looking Tokio, who was walking briskly to him. Sparing a warm smile for Jarenna's twin sister, he spoke. "Did you need something, Tokio-san?"

"Have you seen my sister anywhere?"

"Isn't she in the room?" Jarenna had excused herself shortly after they'd watched the sunrise, saying that she was tired.

She frowned. "No. I never heard her come in. And no one's seen her this whole morning."

Alarm bells started ringing. Okita tensed and turned on his heel, heading towards the weapons room. If she was nowhere in this compound and not even Tokio knew where she was, there was only one answer.

Yanking open the shoji door, he marched into the room, his eyes quickly scanning the entire area. The tanto he'd taken from Jarenna lay on the floor untouched, but…

The katana was gone.

…

Jarenna hurried down the streets, careful not to let the patrolling squads see her. She had a sword, after all, and women with swords were a rare occurrence, and were usually regarded as highly suspicious.

__

I'm sorry, Okita-san, I've made up my mind. She thought even as she ducked into one of the alleys to avoid a Shinsengumi squad. Seemed like the Eighth Squad was at work today, for she recognized Toudou Heisuke. He was relaxed, which meant that her disappearance from the compound was not yet discovered. A good thing, really. She didn't want Okita-san coming out after her before she could accomplish what she'd set out to do. Takagi Kojuurou had to die. And if she had to die with him as a consequence, so be it.

All that mattered was vengeance.

__

Will you let this man destroy your life further? Will you let him make you a murderer?

She closed her eyes for a moment. Hadn't she contemplated this question a hundred times over? But the answer would always be the same. No matter what, he would die. She didn't matter. What happened to her didn't matter. So what if she became a murderer after this? It was a small price to pay for wiping the bastard out of existence.

Even as the Eighth Squad passed, she opened her eyes and hurried out in the opposite direction, trying not to think about disappointed lavender eyes.

__

I'm sorry, Okita-san.

The cough came out of nowhere, ripping through her body as she bent over, trying to stop herself from coughing all her organs out. The verocity of which it attacked stunned her; these coughs had been coming more and more often lately, and each had been worse than the last. It was worrying, but she had no time to dwell on it now. Maybe it was just dust, she decided. The alleyways were not exactly sparkling clean, after all.

…

"She is on her way to Takagi's inn." Saitou, apparently, had popped up again at the doorway. It disturbed Okita all the more, because Saitou Hajime rarely involved himself in other people's businesses unless it was potentially deadly. For once, Okita hated that his suspicions were confirmed. Apparently, Jarenna was still bent on killing Takagi.

"What is it?" Tokio asked urgently, dread rising within her. She'd already had an inkling of what was possibly going on, and wanted to know for sure. "What's happening?"

"Your sister is going to kill your father." Saitou replied, not mincing any words. Tokio stared, shocked. Jarenna? Her mild-mannered sister was going to kill her father? It was almost impossible to believe. But from the look on both men's faces…

"We have to go there," Tokio said, recovering quickly and worrying for her sister. How could she not have seen this coming? She had been unnaturally calm yesterday; how could she have possibly missed it? "She doesn't know what my father is like!" At this moment, she didn't care if Takagi Kojuurou got hurt or not. Rather, she was more concerned with her sister, what with her injury and all. Also the fact that there was a reason why her father had lived till now despite having made enemies in high places.

Okita was already moving; his carefree demeanor had long since vanished. "Tokio-san, stay here. Saitou-san and I will bring her back."

"I'm going, too. That's my sister there!" She protested hotly.

"It will not be safe." The Third Squad Captain replied calmly, amazingly unruffled despite the tension in the room. "Stay here and wait for us." There was something in his tone that made her listen, and finally she nodded, conceding to him. There was something in his eyes, it was almost like…deep concern. And for some reason, that sent her heart fluttering despite herself.

Okita glanced at him for a moment, feeling his blood freeze. He knew Hajime never said anything without meaning them, and it seemed that Jarenna was in grave danger. If so, then they had no time to waste.

With a brief nod at Tokio, Okita headed out, followed by Saitou. Hijikata-san definitely would not be happy about this.

…

The sword sheath had already been abandoned a few streets earlier. With her handicap, Jarenna knew that she would not stand a chance if she entered without her sword drawn. This would take the bastard by surprise, and hopefully she would be able to incapacitate him enough to kill him.

The sight of a young woman stalking down the street with a katana in hand was enough to make the meek citizens of Kyoto clear a path for her. Whispering and staring, they were all wondering what she was possibly wanting to do, but none of them dared to go to an officer as yet; it was too much trouble, and besides, who knew what that young woman could do? There was enough bloodshed on the streets without them asking for it.

Such was their mentality, and a few seconds after she passed, they all had reached a mutual agreement to forget what they'd seen. Before long, she was forgotten, pushed to the very backs of their minds as they went about their businesses like every other day.

…

Kimiko watched, puzzled as Okita-sama and Saitou-sama met each other at the front gate, both men decked in full Shinsengumi gear, and was later joined by at least half a dozen troops. What was going on? It definitely did not help matters that their expressions were grim, and rumors were that Hijikata-sama was currently extremely pissed off. Why, she didn't really know, and it was killing her. What was happening? There was no raid, as far as she knew, because there were only TWO men, for kami's sake, and they seemed to be too urgent for any kind of patrol or anything. For one, she'd heard Hijikata-sama order Okita-sama to 'bring him in alive.'

Whoever he was.

She watched as Okita-sama and Saitou-sama spoke in low tones for a few moments, stifling a sigh. She had never seen him smile much these days. It seemed like this Okita Souji was an entirely new person, someone she barely recognized. What happened to the smiling, happy captain of the First Squad?

Ever since he'd been with Jarenna…she tamped down a flare of anger. This was all her fault! She was making Okita-sama unhappy. _Kami, I can do so much better than her. At least I know I'll make him happy._

Glumly, she watched as the two of them left, her heart aching for the man she loved with all her heart. Why couldn't he see that she really loved him? Why was he so in love with Jarenna? She didn't understand.

"Okita-sama," she sighed, wishing that there was something—_anything—_she could do for him.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Jarenna—or was it Tokio?—pacing. Where was the other half? They were rarely seen without each other these days.

__

Unless…she frowned and watched the young woman for a long moment. Okay, that was Tokio. Jarenna hardly ever paced. And she never wore her hair like that. Which meant specifically, where on earth was Jarenna?

Kimiko was beginning to seriously hate the situation more and more. There was only one thing that could get Okita-sama looking like that, as much as she loathed to admit it.

Moving hurriedly towards her, eager for answers, Kimiko bowed slightly. Takagi Tokio was a noble, after all. "Lady Tokio,"

Tokio was startled out of her frantic thoughts at the voice. "Oh! Kimiko, it's you." She vaguely remembered Jarenna saying that Kimiko was a good friend of hers, and she managed to smile. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Kimiko thought fast. "Ano, I was looking for Jarenna. Is she here?"

Tokio's smile faded, revealing her currently distressed state. "Jarenna's…she's somewhere else right now." Good friend of Jarenna's or not, there were just some things in the family you just don't tell them. "Okita-san and Hajime went after her."

Kimiko hated it when she was right, especially when it came to the Okita-Jarenna scenario. Despite her mounting anger and frustration, she asked. "Why? What happened?"

Tokio stared at her for a long moment, wondering if she should say anything. But then again, she was Jarenna's friend, maybe she deserved to know, just a little. "Jarenna…she went after my father. The two of them went after her." She sighed and looked away, her eyes unreadable. "Hijikata-san told them to bring him in alive."

"Your father?" she echoed blankly. There were so many things going on here she didn't know about! She wanted to ask more, but the expression on the other woman's face told her otherwise.

__

But that isn't what you're worrying about, isn't it? Kimiko thought, observing her. She felt the jealousy sting anew. Jarenna had everything she didn't have, Okita-sama, and a sister who loved her, and now she was most likely doing that self-pity thing or whatever and Okita-sama had to go and bail her out. Again.

This just wasn't fair. Not to her, and not to Okita-sama, who, in her heartbreaking realization, would never return her love.

__

Okita-sama…

…

Okita ran like a man possessed, and Saitou and his troops kept pace easily. True to his speculation, Hijikata-san had been livid that his plans were about to be wrecked by a mere slip of a girl, and had ordered him to bring Takagi Kojuurou back alive. The plan Hijikata-san had for Jarenna's father had been unexpectedly pushed forward, and he didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.

But that was another matter altogether. Right now, he did not know how much of a headstart Jarenna had gotten, and was very much worried as to her status right about now. What was she doing now? Was she hurt? Was she carrying out her attack at this very moment? He was getting a serious headache just thinking about it. He should've seen this coming earlier!

The crowd instinctively gave them a wide berth, recognizing them as the Shinsengumi, but Okita didn't notice their apprehension; his mind was elsewhere, desperately hoping that he wasn't too late.

…

Jarenna draped her shawl fully over the katana she held in a bid to disguise it. It definitely would not do if any of the men in the inn realized what she was holding—from the looks of it, they were less than perfect gentlemen, and she knew that they would not hesitate to kill her if the need arose.

She froze for a moment when she entered the inn—half a dozen men were obviously having an early lunch, and they had stared up at her in surprise. She supposed it was not often that a woman entered the place by herself. Fortunately for her, they went back to their meal after ascertaining that she was not dangerous. The shawl that disguised the katana fluttered slightly, and she almost felt her heart stop. She had come so far; she could not afford to blow her cover.

Making her way to where a middle-aged woman was hurrying around, she said, "Excuse me, may I know where Takagi Kojuurou is staying?"

The woman appraised her haughtily, her beady eyes missing nothing. "You are the prostitute he called for, then?"

Jarenna flinched, stung at the blunt way the woman had addressed her, but it provided her with the perfect cover story. As long as the real one didn't come along anytime soon. "Um…yes."

She was aware that every leering eye in the large room was on her. But nothing could be done about it now, and they wouldn't know what she was coming here for until it was too late.

"Third floor," the woman said dismissively, going back to her chores. "Fourth door to the right."

"Thank you." She headed off, eager to end the conversation and missing the look of pity the older woman had sent her way.

"Maybe we should call in a doctor now, eh, Natsu-san?" One of the men called out.

"Yeah, that one looks pretty fragile." Another remarked.

Natsu shook her head. She minded her own business these couple of days; Takagi Kojuurou had an unpleasant habit of making sure that people stayed out of his business, even though the girls he had called for had ended up with brutal injuries when he was done with them.

She had seen many things in her time as innkeeper, but not one quite like this. Takagi Kojuurou was one sick bastard, but as long as he was a paying customer, she wasn't about to complain.

…

The rage came back to Jarenna, and she fed on it, drew strength from it. She would exact vengeance—both hers, and her mother's—and everything would be over. The image of him kneeling before her all those days ago were burned into her brain. It had been nothing more than cruel mockery, but he would mock her no more.

Today, everything ended.

She let the shawl that disguised her katana fall to the ground as she stalked towards her destination. She stopped in front of his door, and knocked.

…

"What d—?" Kojuurou's snarl was cut short as he saw a glint of silver, and felt cold steel at his throat. Cold, sharp steel. His eyes fell on the young woman before him, to find that he barely recognized her.

__

Tokio? He thought wildly, realizing what the old bat had said yesterday was right. They knew the truth. He only wished that he killed Natsumi earlier. And no, this was not Tokio. It had to be the other one. "Jarenna."

Her dark eyes flashed with ungovernable anger as she pressed the tip of the sword against his throat, drawing a drop of blood.

"What is wrong with you, girl?" he demanded, trying to get ahold of the situation and hopefully throw her off guard. No one got the better of Takagi Kojuurou, especially not a mere slip of a girl he felt nothing for. "What are you doing?"

"Get in, or I'll slit your throat right here."

Deciding that it was better to follow her for the moment—she had the distinct advantage here, and besides, once they were in the room, he had a chance to turn the tables—he took a few steps back, watching her all the while, betraying none of his emotions. If he stayed silent, she would soon speak, and he would find out how much she knew.

And once he did, he would kill her. It was obvious that her shoulder was still giving her problems; it would be all too easy to silence her. And if anyone asked, he could say that she went crazy and tried to attack him, and he retaliated in self-defence.

She slammed the door shut, her expression unreadable. "You never gave her a chance to scream, did you?"

"Who?"

"Natsumi-san." Her voice was cold, and the blade pressed into him further. He backed away a little more. Her eyes were almost wild now. "You killed her like you killed my mother. She was no better than a dog in your eyes, was she? You used me against her. _'I never meant to hurt you.'_ Yeah, right. You sent me to hell for thirteen years, you bastard!" She was screaming now. "And you thought you could come back and lie to me, did you? And I was such a fool, I sucked it all up!! You must be laughing inside, right? Sweet, pathetic Jarenna, the one who could never hurt a fly. But look, look what I am now!"

Things were looking very bad for him right now; as long as she was holding a blade to his throat, there was nothing he could do.

"If I had been sent away because of the family, I would've accepted it. But I was nothing more than a toy to you, was I? An instrument for your vengeance? Well, _Father,_ I am my own vengeance. Mine, and Mother's." Her eyes were deadly, and perhaps not quite sane.

"You can't do it," he sneered despite himself. He really had no time for her pathetic displays of emotion. His plans to use her were pretty much shot through, and as of now he had no use for her anymore. "I know you. You are nothing but a waste, Jarenna. A foolish, pathetic waste. Get that damn thing off me!"

"Never. It was so easy for you, wasn't it? I bet you killed my mother with a song in your heart—"

He snorted dismissively. "She was no use to me, anyway."

The sword jabbed at him, and he jumped back, feeling a twinge of fear right now. He had no chance of turning the tables on her; the entire thing had not gone as he'd expected it to have, and for once, Takagi Kojuurou was…afraid. "Shut up! You never deserved her, you sick bastard! And no, you never knew me. You don't know what I am capable of, Takagi Kojuurou." Her words were nothing more than a snarl. "Now you die."

The doors slammed open, distracting her immediately. "Jarenna!"

Okita's voice.

…

He barely made it, Okita realized as he saw the tableau in front of him. Jarenna was a hairsbreadth away from sinking that katana into Takagi's throat.

"Oh, thank kami you're here!" Takagi exclaimed, regaining himself. There was a chance that he would get out of this, after all. "Get this insane woman off me!"

"You are placed under arrest, Takagi Kojuurou, for the murder of an innocent woman, and also for your suspected dealings with the rebels." The Captain of the First Squad said flatly, even as he entered the room slowly, fixated on the wild-eyed Jarenna. "Jarenna, don't do this. Please."

The look in her eyes pained him, and he knew that he had to get through to her before she did anything he knew she would regret later. The loud sounds of screams and crashing tables outside indicated that Saitou-san and the rest of the men were carrying out their duties, and now it was just him, Jarenna, and her father.

"Why not, Okita-san?" she snapped angrily, unable to believe that he, of all people, did not understand what she was going through. "I thought you understood me, understood why I had to do this, but you don't! You're just like the rest of them!"

"You're letting him win again." He responded. "Are you going to let him make you a murderer?"

"_You don't know what it was like!!"_ she screamed, angry tears streaming down her cheeks. "You don't know what being raped and abused was like!! I'm so sick of this, Okita!"

"Do something!" Kojuurou yelled, looking sickened at the blood that dripped down the katana Jarenna was holding. The pain was piercing.

Okita ignored him and tried again, feeling a twinge of desperation. He had never been in a situation like this, and was currently doing a lot of improvising. "Hijikata-san is going to help you, Jarenna. He's going to give him what he deserves."

Jarenna shook her head wildly. "No, no! He has to die. He has to die! He's killed so many people!"

"If you kill him, Jarenna, I am going to lose you."

She hesitated at his words as they finally sank in. The hand that held the katana fell, releasing the sword as it fell to the ground with a loud clatter. _I am going to lose you._

The hand that connected with her face sent her reeling to the ground, and a livid Kojuurou stood before her, his face red with fury. He had recovered from his ordeal and was determined to beat some sense into her before anything else. "I will teach you a lesson you'll never forget, wench!"

"You will _not _touch her!" Okita snarled. Seeing Jarenna on the floor, blood on her mouth, and that expression, especially the knowledge that Takagi Kojuurou was the man who had caused Jarenna all this pain made him snap completely. As much as he loved and respected his mentor, this was something he just could not condone, especially when it came to Jarenna.

__

I'm sorry, Hijikata-san. He knew he would most definitely be punished for this, but Jarenna…all that mattered was Jarenna.

In a flash, Okita brought his own sword down on Kojuurou's head, separating it from his body. There was blood everywhere, splattering on his clothes, on Jarenna's face…

The young woman in question simply stared blankly ahead, unmoving even as the dreadful reality of what had happened sank in. The chain of command in the Shinsengumi was extremely sacred, and Hijikata-sama had instructed Okita-san to bring her father in alive. But now that Okita-san had killed him instead, he was sure to be in for a very severe punishment.

Okita-san, who was the closest to Hijikata-sama and never disobeyed his orders, had killed him for her.

__

What have I done? She thought in despair. She had brought nothing but trouble to the man she had loved. _Oh, kami, what have I done?_

"Okita-san…" she said softly, overcome with guilt. "I…"

He sheathed his sword and looked at her with a faint smile. "It's over, Jarenna. Let's go home."

The next thing she knew, he was by her side. Wordlessly, he gathered her into his arms.

…

****

A/N: This chapter shows another side of Jarenna that none of you have ever really seen before, and the extent of Okita's love for her; he would even go so far as to disobey Hijikata's orders. I guess this is what love is. He was pretty much caught between a rock and a hard place, Jarenna's sanity or his mentor's orders. And Kimiko, the depth of her love for Okita was explored here, as you can see in her thoughts. She's not such a bitch, she's reacting in ways only a woman who is deeply in love with a man would react. Stay tuned for the next chapter, because many more things would happen then…

And no, my story 'Fallen' is no way affiliated to this story, it's just a separate story I'm toying with.

…

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Jade eyed neko: Haha, the path of true love is never easy, you know, and yep! You're right about hacking the guy into bloody bits, although it was not exactly Jarenna who'd done it…LOL, life has a funny way of doing things, eh?

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Kaori Akayama: Heya again! ::evil grin:: Come on, methinks Okita is very much a man beneath that boyish exterior, and besides, adrenaline plus worry plus a woman you really love kissing you back equals major passion, don't you think?

Thanks for that very inspiring quote from the Count of Monte Cristo, it really helped me out from the writer's block I had, 'cause I was pretty much fumbling in the dark as to how Jarenna could possibly react, and what she would do. ::HUG:: Teeheehee, feel free to draw Tokio, sweetie! I like her very much, which reminds me, there'll be more of her in the next chapter. Heh. And man, I'm really encouraged that you liked my fanfiction THAT much! ::tearing up:: I'm so touched…

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Night-Owl123: Yep! I think I'd write a couple of 'em in when the entire matter of Jarenna's dad blows over, LOL.

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Random Reader: Hello again! Yeah, Takagi is a foul kind of species, don't you think? I don't like him that much, personally. He is SUCH a bugger. Ah well. I hope you liked this chapter, too, LOL. It took me seven sleepless nights to get it all out! Sigh, I really am pathetic. I'm so happy that Tokio and Jarenna touched your heart, which means that at least I'm doing SOMETHING right, hah!

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MysticInca: Hey hey! Teeheehee, of course man! Playing keep-away is very, VERY fun. ::morbid grin:: It makes the sweet parts even sweeter, yes? LOL, the whole cold shower thing, eh? Tokio must've been feeling seven kinds of horror or something. Imagine your sister making out with a cute Shinsengumi captain! Hmm…and hey, stay tuned for the next few chapters, 'cause it's going to be totally unexpected. ;;frowns;; Well, I think it's going to be unexpected, unless I am too predictable with the plots…hmm…I really, really hope that you and your sisters enjoyed this story! I took a look at the picture you drew, and I must say that I'm extremely, extremely flattered, you know that? I'm not kidding. I mean, you actually drew a picture for me! I'm still getting over that shock. Now, before I go all gooey and tell you how honored I am, I just want to say that I love you guys! Really! God, you sisters are so amazing… And ione-girl, I'll help you with your story, no problem! I'll be really happy to, anyway!

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Hikage Onna: ;;giggles;; Gosh, you are so cute! LOL of course I'll keep writing! I don't want any of you guys to come over and kill me, you know? But I've gotta say, you're a huge part in making me keep this story going, man. I think I'm getting really hormonal, but still!

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Night Imp: Yep, hard characters, but I WILL DO MY BEST!! Haha, I turned eighteen in August. This is pretty embarrassing, because most eighteen year olds write better than I do…Sigh. Anyway, you've got a lifetime supply of Oreo cookies! ;;HUG;; Thanks for your kind compliments, girl! Mucho appreciated, honestly!


	14. Let Go

**AN: **So sorry for the long wait, you guys! Just wanted to say that the matter with Yammy has been cleared up and it's all fine now. I learnt a few things from her, though, and I would like to apologize for my story if it's a little too shoddily done…I shall put a lot more effort in my work now! Thanks to all of you who patiently waited for the newest chapter to come out! LOL, I'd been a little discouraged at first, but then I promised you guys that I'd get this done, so here it is!

_…_

_"Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would __nev__— to be a kind of man. She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved." –Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer_

_…_

"Jarenna." Tokio said softly as she sat down beside her sister, who was staring out blankly into space, barely acknowledging her presence. She supposed it was a good thing; she didn't know what to say.

_What do you say to someone who tried to kill your father? Especially if she's your sister? _

Takagi Kojuurou was dead; Okita had killed him, and it was not much of a guess as to why he did it. But still, she felt disturbed. Sure, she had never liked him, but he was still her father, after all. Aside from the beatings, he largely ignored her. But he had been the one who gave her life and maintained it.

She hated him for what he'd done, but he was still her father. And the fact that her sister had seriously wanted to kill him did not sit too well with her. And now that he's dead…he was a right bastard, what with all the horrible things he'd done, but he had never once committed anything heinous against her.

She caught herself, wondering at the thoughts that now crossed her mind. Hadn't she wanted him dead for a long time? And now that he was finally killed—kami knows he deserved _that_ one—she felt strangely conflicted. _I suppose the phrase 'The dead can do no wrong' rings true. _

It was disturbing, but it was how she felt. She watched her silent sister for a long moment, a pang of sadness crossing her heart. What was she feeling now? This was her twin, her other half, but not for the first time, she felt every inch of the distance that separated them. She would never understand what Jarenna had gone through, but she was trying. Kami she was trying, and somehow…it was like trying to hold water; it slipped through her fingers everytime.

"Is Okita-san still inside?"

Tokio jumped at her sudden words, realizing that the thoughts that had been foremost in her twin's mind were about Okita-san. _How can two people love each other so deeply and yet be separated by a memory? _She wondered. It was the ugly truth about reality; there were so such things as fairy tales, there was no such thing as a perfect love. Love hurt, oh did it hurt. Just look at her twin and Okita-san.

"Yes, he is." She responded. "But there's been no shouting from Hijikata-san so far." Another thing that unsettled her. She wasn't too sure about Shinsengumi rules, but there definitely was a punishment for disobeying your superior, right?

Jarenna's brows knitted, clenching her fists.

Tokio touched her shoulder gently. "He'll be all right, Jarenna."

She pulled back from her sister's touch, suddenly not wanting to be anywhere near her. "He didn't want me to kill him." She said softly, so softly that her sister had to strain to hear it. "And he did it, even though he shouldn't."

"I know."

She closed her eyes, trying not to let the tears spill out. "And now he's being punished."

"He didn't want you to be a killer," Tokio responded, unable to keep from letting her anger show. "_I _didn't want you to do it either!"

She didn't open her eyes. _Please, just go away, Tokio. _"I'm sorry."

"Of course you should be. Have you ever tried talking to anyone? To _me?_ It hurts that you cut yourself away from the people who would only love you, from Okita-san, from me. Do you know how much it hurts that you never even thought about me when you were furious?"

Jarenna couldn't look at her. She was right, of course. The years had been hard on her, and she'd been accustomed to doing things by herself.

"You can't bear to look at me now, can you?" She went on, spilling the thoughts that had been brewing in her for so long. "You can't look at me and not think, _what if things were different? What if I had not been the one who had been sent away? What if I was the one who had a real home? _You can't look at me now, can you? Because I have your face, but I never had your pain."

Jarenna stared at her in horror. "Tokio, no! I don't—"

She laughed bitterly. "Liar. And I don't blame you. You're not perfect. We all have our stories, we all have our own pain. But I'm your sister. You never once remembered that you had a sister who loved you, did you? You were so deep in yesterday that you forgot about today."

Before Jarenna could say anything, Tokio stood up and walked away, leaving the other girl to stare after her, stunned. She wanted to call her back, to explain everything as best as she knew how, but she simply sat there.

She hated lying to the ones she loved.

…

"I am ready to accept any punishment you mete out, Hijikata-san." Okita's voice was uncharacteristically calm, and there was nothing merry about the tensai swordsman now.

Hijikata glared at Okita, who was knelt in front of him, head lowered, as was the common practice of someone who had gone against the rules. While it was true that the raid on the inn was a success, the loss of Takagi Kojuurou annoyed him.

What annoyed him more was that Souji had _gone against his orders. _

It was impossible; he _knew_ that it was impossible—Souji had never disobeyed him before, not for anything—but it happened. And it was all because of one girl.

He felt a giant headache coming on; a large part of him told him that he should see this coming, considering he'd sent Okita after his lover's enemy, and Okita being Okita…he should have known better than to assign this to him, especially since he had had a personal interest in this.

This was all his fault. He was getting soft, first with letting Ichimura off for that fiasco a good few months ago after he stupidly wrecked Yamazaki's spying duties, and now he'd sent the wrong person to do the job. This was hardly punishable by seppuku, but the fact remained that thanks to Yukijurou, his plans for Kojuurou were now foiled. He suppressed a growl, she was a bad influence on Souji, that wench.

True, the young man had seemed more comfortable with himself and settled since he'd met her, but really. One headstrong captain who always had his way—Hijikata could never deny Souji anything—was enough, and now the girl had to join in, too. And not to forget that younger Ichimura who kept serving him tea that tasted like pig droppings. Kami they were all trying to drive him to an early grave.

Well, at least the one good thing that came out of all of this was that there were seventeen less Choshu men to worry about.

"Four days in isolation for you, Souji." He replied gruffly. It was an acceptable punishment for disobedience, and since it was not considered a personal fight, seppuku had definitely been out of the question. But he could not let this slight go; he had to be punished in one way or another.

Okita simply nodded. "Hai."

The Vice-Commander's tone softened ever-so-slightly as he bowed and stood up to leave. "You've changed, Souji."

The First Squad Captain smiled faintly. "You noticed too, Hijikata-san?"

He shook his head in resignation. "You have poor taste in women. That wench is too much like you."

"Like me?"

"Headstrong, unpredictable. It's giving me a headache. You'd better learn how to control her."

"Don't worry, Hijikata-san," He reassured the older man, a bit of his old humor restored. "It'll be all right now."

He stared darkly at his protégé, his eyes unreadable. "Will it, now?"

…

He saw her sitting on a stone chair, her hands clasped tightly in her lap, her face downcast. She had not looked any happier, but at least she wasn't crying.

"Jarenna?" he called softly.

Her head whipped up so fast he was surprised that she didn't get whiplash. "Okita-san?"

He smiled at her and made his way to where she was. "Why are you still sitting here? You should go and freshen up. It's been hard for you."

"I wanted to know if you were…I mean…" she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence. The guilt gnawed at her once again. Why couldn't she ever do things right? It seemed like everything she did hurt someone one way or another. She was tired of it. It had not been her idea at all to involve him in this matter, but now…

He nodded. "I'm fine, Jarenna. Hijikata-san punished me to four days of solitary confinement."

"Solitary confinement?" It was as good as being imprisoned for four days. She knew that it was a big disgrace for him, and was all the more ashamed. "Okita-san, I am so sorry—"

"Don't tell me you're sorry, Jarenna." He cut her off before she could finish. "I don't want to hear it from you."

She stopped, stunned at his sudden tone.

He was serious now. "It was my choice. If I had to do it again, I would."

"If I knew you were going to do it again, I would never have let you." She said quietly.

Okita looked at her for a long moment, saying nothing. What could he say? This was something that time would heal. Now that her bastard father was gone, Jarenna could finally move on. "Well," he said with a cheer he definitely did not feel. "I have to get going now; can't spend the whole day out here, can I?"

She made no response; her head was bowed slightly. It was almost as if she was too ashamed to face him.

He continued. "I'll see you in four days, Jarenna." _Maybe by then you'll be smiling. _

She looked as if she was in a daze before she finally nodded. "Of course." She looked like she had wanted to apologize once again, but stopped herself just in time.

She watched as he left, then looked down at the ground as she wrapped her arms around herself in a bid to keep the chill away. The days were definitely getting much colder.

She coughed, then decided to head into her room. No one wanted her around here now, anyway, and maybe it would be better if she disappeared from sight for a while.

She was so very, very cold.

…

"Junko-san wanted you to have your dinner." Kimiko said curtly four days later as she slid open the shoji door and lay down the food on the table for her. She had been relieved that Okita-sama had only had four days of isolation as punishment and was due out in an hour or two, but that in itself was short-lived. She was much more angry at the cause of his punishment. She knew what had happened, and she supposed she could understand why it happened, but the heart and mind were two different things; most of the time neither listened to the other.

To her, the man she loved with all her heart was punished and was clearly suffering. She suffered along with him, knowing that there was nothing much that she could do, and hating that fact all the more.

Why Jarenna? It had been her constant thought ever since they got involved. True, ever since they were involved with each other, Okita-sama had been…happier, but he had been sadder at the same time, too. Much, much sadder.

She was a bad influence on him.

Love, Kimiko knew, should not keep hurting the ones who were in it. True, she'd hurt people to try to get close to Okita-sama, but she would rather die than hurt him. Wasn't that what love was all about?

The other girl looked up from where she was staring at a weathered book. "Thank you, Kimiko-san."

Kimiko noticed the dark rings under Jarenna's eyes, and registered the fact that she, too, was in a bad shape. If Jarenna had not been the one who had put Okita-sama through hell, Kimiko would've sympathized, but her heart was now too full of Okita-sama and how he was coping with his punishment to care too much about Jarenna.

"Is…Tokio around?" Jarenna asked softly.

"She had to speak with the Daimyo of Aizu." Kimiko responded bluntly. "That fiasco with your father gave her a lot of mess to clean up. Apparently, her engagement to Saitou-sama is being questioned."

She flinched at that, but said nothing. Even though her father had been in league with the Choshu rebels, he had nevertheless been an important man, and someone whom Matsudaira Katamori favored. Of course, his betrayal would come out sooner or later, but the fact that his daughter had been on a mission to kill him sent ripples of disapproval throughout the faction. Women were not supposed to behave like her, not even the ones with her circumstances.

Kimiko stared hard at her. _Aren't you going to say anything? _Was she just going to sit there like a rock and do nothing? For the thousandth time, she wondered what Okita-sama saw in her. Sure, she was nice and everything, but there was just…something about her that was kind of wrong. Whoever in their right minds went after their fathers first thing in the morning? Okay, so maybe Takagi Kojuurou was the farthest thing from a good person, but still.

She glanced around the sparsely decorated room. It was plainer than usual, the only thing being the small bag on the floor…wait. Bag?

"What's that?" Kimiko asked. Come to think of it, there was a folded piece of paper on the table. Was she planning to leave?

"I'm going to leave, Kimiko-san. Hijikata-sama approved it yesterday. Once I see Okita-san again, I'm going to go."

"Why?"

She laughed, a bitter, pained sound. "Why do you think? I think I've caused everyone enough grief." She looked over at the bag she'd packed a few minutes ago, at what little belongings she had. "Maybe if I leave, it'll all be better."

Kimiko watched her. Jarenna was right; if she left, maybe Okita-sama would be better off. At least they'd be spared the soap-opera like happenings that were going on now, and Okita-sama could properly concentrate on his patrolling and everything.

"Maybe it will," she agreed. Then she took a deep breath and spoke. "Love isn't supposed to hurt, you know. And the way you keep hurting Okita-sama…he deserves better." This was not said out of spite this time; she was being honest. She never knew that there would be a day when she would say this to Jarenna, of all people.

"I know." She paused for a long moment, her eyes haunted and hollow. She'd initially thought that things would be much better after she killed Kojuurou, but why did it seem like she'd just lost the entire world? Had she been wrong? "Please, take care of Okita-san when I leave. He's been coughing a lot lately."

"I will. Where will you go?"

"I don't know."

…

The white radish that she'd eaten earlier lay heavily in her stomach as Jarenna slid the door to her room shut. It was getting to be very late; she would have to put up at an inn in the city before she looked for another job tomorrow. She had some savings, after all. She stood at the door for a moment. She was never going to come back here, and already she was beginning to miss everything about this place. But how could she stay, when all she did was causing trouble to everybody?

_Of all the things I believed in  
I just wanna get it over with  
Tears warm behind my eyes, but I do not cry  
Counting the days that pass me by…_

_I'm sorry, Tokio._ She thought sadly. _For everything._She had not been a good sister, and she regretted it deeply. If there had anything she had been able to change, if…

_So many 'ifs'.__ There's so many scenarios of what could have been…_

As of now, Okita's punishment was already over, but she was not going to see him. It would make saying goodbye all the more difficult. She only hoped that he had received the letter she'd sent him through Kimiko. Maybe he was reading it now, and if so, she was sure that he would forget all about her. It would be a good thing, maybe then he and Kimiko could get involved, just like what it should have been before she came along.

She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. She was just so tired of everything, and it was time to try to make things right. She turned to leave, and stopped when she saw Okita standing in the yard watching her, the letter in his hand. The look on his face was entirely alien to her, and she wondered what he would do.

_No, _she thought sharply. _Do what you have to do. Just keep walking. Don't look back. Don't listen. _

Hefting her bag onto her shoulder, she stepped from the engawa and started to walk past him. Briefly, she wondered if he could hear her heart thundering in her chest and feel her tension.

_I've been searchin' deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old_

_Feels like I'm starting all over again…_

"You're really going to leave, aren't you?" he asked quietly as she walked past him, deliberately keeping a distance between them.

_Don't answer. Don't—_her thoughts were cut off as she felt his hand catch onto hers, stopping her movement. His grip was tight, but not uncomfortably so. This was so unlike him, she realized. The normal Okita Souji, the one who laughed and played around and loved sweets was gone, leaving a darkly intense and mysterious one—the side of him she hardly ever saw—in its wake. Which one then, was his true face? But then again, it didn't matter now, did it?

"Answer me."

"You already know what I'm going to say."

"Look at me."

"I won't."

"Why?"

She fumbled for an answer. What could she say to that? "I-I have to leave, Okita-san. It's getting late."

"Tell me why."

"Didn't you read the letter?"

"Do you expect me to believe what you wrote? Jarenna, this isn't—"

"It's true."

"Then why won't you look at me and say it?"

_I used to get lost in your eyes  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you_

_Closin__' my eyes, you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
But it's not right  
Goodbye to you…_

"Kimiko can give you what I can't, Okita-san. Please. It's not going to work out, not now, not ever. I owe you too much. You've saved me time and again, and this time, what you've done…it's all too much." She gazed at him then, and he could see the tears shimmering in her eyes. But it was not what had hurt him the most. What really did was the look of finality he saw there. "Go to Kimiko-san, she will give you what I can't afford to give."

"Kimiko cannot give me you, Jarenna."

She stared at him for a long, long moment. The look in his eyes was so pained, and she longed to reach out, to kiss him one last time. But she knew that if she did, she would never be able to leave. _I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry…_

It seemed like it was all she'd been able to say lately.

_And it hurts to want  
Everything and nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours and I  
Want what's mine_

"I…I can't, either." What was left of her was never going to be enough for anyone, much less him. She would never be good enough for him. "I'm sorry. Please, let me go."

He was silent, but his grip loosened enough for her to extricate herself. It hurt to know that she would never be able to touch him again, to tell him the words she'd longed to tell him but had never gotten the courage to say.

_I want you  
But I'm not giving in this time  
Goodbye to you_

Wrapping her scarf around her neck, she took a deep breath and walked away. she never knew that it would hurt this much just to say goodbye, and regretted not leaving sooner. She never wanted to hurt him; it was altogether too much like hurting herself, but there was no choice. He had to forget her; it would be better for everyone in the long run. Kimiko would get what she wanted, and she could just disappear. This way was better, wasn't it?

_Goodbye to everything  
That I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried.._

_…to hold on to…_

Despite her promise to never cry, she felt warm tears slide down her cheeks as she made her way out of the Shinsengumi gates and his heart.

Okita stared after her, unable to believe what he was seeing. He never knew that it would hurt quite so much just to see her go. Just when he thought that they could finally be together, she had to leave him. After all he'd done, he still had to watch her leave. Was this Fate's way of telling him that no matter how hard he tried, there would never be anyone for him? Was it his punishment for taking so many lives?

Crumpling the letter in his hand, he finally opened his mouth, which had already gone dry. He had to ask this question before he never saw her again. He had to know. "Jarenna, have you ever loved me?"

He saw her stop. She never turned around, but the next word he heard was clear and strong.

"No."

_You were the one I loved…_

It was on this cold winter's night that Okita Souji's heart broke for the first time in a long, long while.

She never looked back, and he never saw her tears.

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to…._

…

**AN: **Personally, I kind of don't think Jarenna is a Mary-Sue. I might be wrong, of course, but still. She doesn't handle important things very well, as you can see from the chapter, and she's pretty much a coward where matters of the heart are concerned. Her basic defense mechanism is to run away, which annoys even me on occasion…

Now, onto the reviewer replies! Thanks go to all my 'regulars' and those who put in kind words for me. It was very much appreciated!

**Night-Owl123: **I hope you liked this story!

**Random Reader: **Hey, I thank you for your kind words on my story and for the review after that. I'm fine now, LOL, and thanks once again for your concern; it was really appreciated. It's pretty much all right, because I think I deserved that, anyway. The matter is pretty much resolved now, and I guess I'm back on track and still writing! It'll be better, though. Promise. I hope you liked this chapter as much as you did the previous ones!

**Jade-eyed neko: **Hello there! There isn't any Kimiko and Susumu here, but I promise there will be them in the next chapter!

**MysticInca**Hello! LOL, thanks for your kind compliments. Argh…it's that complicated? I didn't know that! Of course, I pretty much don't know a lot of things, but still…I loved the pictures that you and your sister drew for me, really! Which means that I officially owe you guys one; feel free to use that favor! LOL, I'll be happy to help you with anything!

**Hikage**** Onna: **Ooooooooooooooooh! Okita stickers:GLOMP: Do you know how much I'm loving you right about now! LOL. I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you too much…I promise that it'll get better! Besides, I'm itching to smack Jarenna upside the head, anyway.

**Ione****-girl: **Hello, helloooooo! Teeheehee, I'm happy that you like my story! Of course, when are you going to ask me to help with your story? I'm waiting….:taps foot: LOL.

**Night Imp: **Yep! Eighteen…kind of old, huh? I feel so positively ancient… :hobbles away: Grr-argh… Well! I hope this chapter isn't too much of a disappointment for you…

**Aikoh**I don't know if she actually has it in her to kill people, but then again she was not in her right frame of mind, so maybe she might have…It's kind of like floundering in the dark wondering how exactly, Okita Souji reacts when he loves someone, but I hope that it isn't TOO ooc…Loving someone is pretty much always the shortest route to misery, but I guess the ensuing sweetness will make up for everything… :wink:

**Amasaki**** Reyoko: **Thanks!

**Weapon of Choice: **Heyya! Thanks for your kind compliments, LOL, I'll still continue this story, 'cause I owe you guys this much! Besides, I love PMK too much to let it go… P.S. PMK Saitou is hot.

**Elinviel**Hello! Yup! I emailed her and it turns out that I've still got a lot, a lot more to learn! Thanks for your kind pointers, though, I would definitely keep it in mind. Don't worry, I will definitely improve on this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though.


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